My Immortal: The Most Goffik Story Ever Written
by brahdley jims
Summary: My commentary on the fanfiction we all love to hate, My Immortal! Have fun reading, my little goffik preps.
1. Chapter 1

**So this is MY commentary on the story dubbed the worst fanfiction ever to have graced this site! Review, laugh, sit there going 'whaaaaaat?', run away screaming, do whatever you want, I don't really care! But I'm gonna post this now and go because I have a hairdressers appointment! What normal person goes to a shop to have scissors held dangerously close to their neck by a stranger, anyway? Me!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Tara Gilesbie or whoever owns 'My Immortal' and I'm very glad that Tara Gilesbie does not own Harry Potter.**

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><p>Chapter 1. <strong>(This is your first and only warning. If you value your a) sanity b) ability to write c) time or d) innocence, then leave now.)<strong>

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **(hahaha! No.) **2 my gf (ew not in that way) **(what are we supposed to think? Good friend? Nobody says that! 'And this is my good friend, Cinderella. She is my goodest friend in the world.') **raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin **(Bieber!) **ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! **(well, that makes sense. They deserve each other!) **MCR ROX!

Hi **(hey!) **my name is Ebony Dark'ness **(what is with the random apostrophe?) **Dementia **(Dementia's serious! You're not funny! Idiot.) **Raven **(Named after a bird?) **Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(well, didn't your parents go out of their way to be original?) **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **(limpid tears?) **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **(can I?) **I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **(… as opposed to…? And you're a pretty crappy vampire if you don't have fangs. Dracula pwns you.) **I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, **(ohmygod no) **and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(clearly Geography is not your strong point, and neither is the English language) **where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **(haha, you know what? I had a feeling!) **and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example **(do you have to give us one?) **today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets **(oh, bravo, very gothic) **and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, **(just to make yourself even paler?) **black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **(oh, Hogwarts and its magic weather system!) **so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **(N'aww, did somebody wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **(Oooh, it's da sex bomb! Please don't tell me she's going to make my Draco all emo and gothic…)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

**('I throw my wand up in the air sometimes, saying ay-oh, my name is Draco!' Draco sang. Nah, not really. But wouldn't that be so cool?)**

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(Draco Malfoy? SHY? PAAAAHHH!)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(… and that conversation achieved absolutely nothing. I have more interesting conversations with my celery.)**

AN: IS it good? **(nope!) **PLZ tell me fangz!


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I'm posting Chapter 2 now, because I'm nice person like that! If by nice you mean exposing all your innocent little minds to this horror (most of you are probably older than me, but whatever.). I have Goldilocks hair after going to the hairdressers! Except dark, not blonde!**

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><p>Chapter 2.<p>

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **(they're flaming your story for a reason!)**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **(oh, thank God! It's a right pain in the arse when you wake up in the fridge) **It was snowing and raining again. **(oh, the magical weather system never stops!) **I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **(if that's what sets you up for the day… I generally prefer Weetabix if I have a torturing day of being emo ahead, but blood works too.) **My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. **(*wanders away to vomit*) **I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **(is this what she wears to school? I thought the teachers at my school were annoying when they keep going on at us to unroll our skirts. Imagine if they saw her, they'd have a bloody heart attack!) **I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **(kind of? Was it messy or not?)** My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **(Right, I don't know about anybody else, but I would be seriously creeped out if somebody grinned at me, THEN opened their eyes. Like they were possessed or something.) **She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(more white foundation… it. makes. you. look. creepy!)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **(what the hell? No 'good morning'? Straight into gossip, that's shamefully preppy of you!)**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(vampires can't blush! What kind of messed up wannabe gemo vampire are you? [Gemo = Goth and emo, or geek and emo. Depending on who we're talking about.] And even if you somehow did miraculously manage to blush, I'm sure it wouldn't show up underneath all that white foundation.)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(ahaha, you so fucking do! Ohmygod help me.)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **(No, of course you don't like him. I flirt with my friends all the time. Not really, that would be weird, all my friends are girls.)**

"Guess what." he said. **(he sounds so excited!)**

"What?" I asked. **(such stimulating conversation)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **(and they would so be likely to be performing in Hogsmeade. A **_**wizarding town.)**_

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **(best. ending. line. ever!)**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Enjoy this chapter, folkies. It all goes downhill from here...**

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><p>Chapter 3.<p>

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **(yeah, from yourself.) **FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **(oh, good.)**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **(not willing to try anything different, then?) **I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **(… ok?) **I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. **(Ebony is such a cheerful person! Her cheerfulness overwhelms me so much, I'm actually tired! HAPPY DAYS!) **I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. **(GDSSAKE STOP KILLING YOUR SKIN WITH SO MUCH MAKEUP!) **I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **(did it just occur to you now?) **I drank some human blood **(because that's so normal!) **so I was ready to go to the concert. I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(Ron's flying car, you mean! There can be only one.) **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(OHMYGOD. You killed the Slytherin Sex God. I hate you.)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(why is there an exclamation mark there then?)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. **(They are not particularly talkative, are they? Perhaps they are shy. Brighten up, my shy little gemos!)**

We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **(you just walked **_**into **_**the car? Did it hurt?) **(the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **(because there's really no better way to get excited for a concert.) **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **(Was that out of the inside of the car, or out of the side of the car you **_**walked into? **_**YOU WALKED INTO A CAR! You were sticking out the side of a car while it was flying!) **We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. "You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **(I'd be even more disturbed if you did, they're creepy lyrics. The kind that my 'not-an-emo' friend listens to.)**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club **(there's a club in Hogsmeade? The wizarding world is catching up with the Muggle world!) **with his amazing voice. Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(no! –cries-)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. **(what is moshing anyway? It sounds really dodgy.) **Then I caught on. **(you're slower than a five year old sometimes, Ebony. And that's coming from me.) **"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **(run, Draco, now!)**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(oh, you idiot.)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel **(I'd feel sorry for Joel if you did know him) **and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(yep, it's obviously all her fault. Just blame Hilary Duff, everybody else does.) **The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. **(Can anyone else NOT imagine this all happening in Hogsmeade?) **Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **(so drunk you were incapable of walking, so why did you want to get into a car with another drunk person? At least you actually got IN the car this time.) **but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **(This Tara person gets excited at the most random moments, but when someone's supposed to be depressed or something, she gives their sentence an exclamation mark like they're jumping for joy. I don't understand this at alllll!)**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: The Easter holidays are finally here! Which gives me six hours straight per day to sit down and try to make sense out of this crap!**

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><p>Chapter 4.<p>

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! **(Enoby now, is it?) **DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **(eechodder sounds like a vegetable I would not like.)**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **(driving really fast in the hope of crashing into a tree and killing you, perhaps?)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. **(you can walk on air? Cool, I've got to get me one of those cars!)**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked. **(oh, didn't you know? It's Enoby now.)**

"What?" I snapped. **(like my hamster! My friend also has a hamster which is called Draco, and it's got red eyes and is blonde. I'm jealous.)**

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **(of course he was) **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **('I'm so dark….. I'm so emo….. I'm so dark….. I'm so emo…..') **And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. **(that makes no sense. But then again, none of this story does.) **Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **(please stop…) **He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. **('I'm afraid of milk and I don't take showers, I'm so emo...') **Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what **(I find it amusing that this girl writes sex scenes and uses words like 'thingie' and 'you-know-what'. Anybody would think she was talking about Voldemort's masculinity! Eww… bad mental image…) **and we did it for the first time. **('for the first time, oooooh, oooooh, ooooh, we just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time' I'm never going to be able to listen to that song in the same way again! CURSE YOU ENOBY!) **"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. **(HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT MAYBE WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW?) **We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then…. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" It was…** (Rebecca Black singing 'Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!') **….Dumbledore!** (carrying a Zefron poster!)**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

**AN: I'm posting another chapter because the last one was rubbish. And short. And so's this, yay! Review, anyone?**

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><p>AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! <strong>(you're just making up excuses as you go along aren't you?) <strong>PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **(from yourself…)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. **(well, you were hardly going to _not _follow him. Unless he was a paedophile. Which I hope Dumbles isn't. -shivers-)**He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **(OHMYGOD. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. GO TO A HOSPITAL.) **Draco comforted me. **(so obviously he wasn't creeped out by your bloody tears.) **When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **(Snapey-Poo! Pussycat!)**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **(Ewww, I've just remembered something our RS teacher told us about yesterday! It disturbed me greatly and now I feel sick!)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **(mediocre dunces? That's such a good insult! I'm using that from now on when I insult somebody. 'Yeah? Well, you're a mediocre dunce!' 'Well you're a – what?')**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(Draco shrieked like a little girl, did she *****cough***** he?) **Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **(they just let them go just like that after Dumbledore found them having sex? Are they mental? Yeah, probably.)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **(don't you hate that feeling when teachers are glaring at you even if you've done nothing wrong and are just walking past them in the corridor? Hmm, I do.) **"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **(what the hell do you think?)**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **(why… where are you going?) **When I came out…. Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing **('Hannah Montana's wearing my jeans, Ashley Tisdale's wearing my jeans, Keke Palmer's wearing my jeans...' He doesn't sing that? Why not? It would suit his voice perfectly.) **'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **(creep.) **I was so flattered, **(you should have been offended! He was singing about wanting to live and you're dead!) **even though he wasn't supposed to be there. **(emphasis on the 'creep'.) **We hugged and kissed. **(and cheered and danced… haha, sorry, I had a Hansel and Gretel moment. Not that you'll know what that means.) **After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **(never to be seen again! Haha… no? Oh.)**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Thanks to everyone who's reviewed already! Love you, all my gfs! (ew not in that way) Lol.**

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><p>Chapter 6.<p>

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **(less than half the words in that sentence were spelled correctly..)**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. **(… I woke up in my bed. I thought that was the norm?) **I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **(just for the heck of it?) **In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. **(seriously? Did NO ONE around you think that was weird?) **Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **(yeah, I hate it when I spill blood all over my top. It's so inconvenient.)**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. **(temper, temper.) **I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **(oh God. No, please, no.) **He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **(I'm sorry, what?) **and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **(aaah, don't do this!) **He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **(He hasn't even spoken yet, how do you know? Oh I forgot, you're a vampire. You get all sorts of privileges. And wouldn't practically EVERYBODY at Hogwarts have an English accent? Besides, Draco's accent is sexier than Harry's.) **He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(you're the sicko for writing that! None of us were thinking about that until you tried to describe it!)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. **('Oh, I'm sorry for spilling blood down your top. Here, let me clean that up for you.' Didn't old Hazza find that strange at all?)**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. **(well, at least you don't hold grudges!)**

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **(she did it. There you go, she actually did it. She made Harry into an gemo vampire.)**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(giggling-emo-vampire Potter! I want one!)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **(Sweetie, you're as much of a vampire as I am a lion. Which is to say, sadly not very much!)**

"Really?" he whimpered. **(whimpering-emo-vampire-Potter… meh, not so much.)**

"Yeah." I roared. **(RUMBLEROAR! The image in my head is too random and weird to explain.)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(… and the surprise was he had Voldemort waiting in the Entrance Hall to 'Avada Kedavra' Enoby! … No? Ack.)**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Two solid days of sunshine! In England! In April! Probably not gonna last long. Next chappie, folkies! Please review :)**

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><p>Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life <strong>(Hey, this chapter has a title!)<strong>

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **(so give her tin god vons! Tara's German now!) **STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue **(HOW MANY BLOODY NAMES DOES SHE HAVE? GODSSAKE!) **ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **(a what? A Satanits? Satan's offspring with nits?) **n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **(well, we got that part!)**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish **(it's amazing how **_**discreetly**_** she slips these unnecessary details in. Not.) **as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish **(you just said you had black nail polish on. Is it magical colour-changing nail varnish, like Hogwarts' magical weather system?) **(AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). **(she was wearing 'sings', so that immediately makes her not a Mary-Sue anymore? What?) **I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **(you're all just a big bunch of fluffy yellow happiness, aren't you?) **I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **(Don't make Harry gay! He's not the type to be gay!) **Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… **(is this where Voldemort comes in?) **We started frenching passively **(obviously not) **and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. **(again?) **Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **(he put his 'boy's thingy' in yours? Do YOU have a boy's thingy, Enoby/Evony/Ebony/Mary-Sue? What haven't you been telling me, young lady/man?) **and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **(yes.)**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm **(My god. I don't want to know, thanks very much!) **when all of a sudden **(prepare yourself for this, it's dramatic!) **I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **(DUN DUN DUUUUUN! You see? Drama at its very height.) **It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **(Oh for God's sake.) **I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. **(You almost have to feel sorry for her with this line. Pshh, yeah right!)**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **(ooh, burn) **I put on my clothes all huffily **(huffily? Damn, you must have been angry.) **and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **(why mention it then?) **I stomped out and did so **(hehe, I am so saying 'did so' whenever I'm describing anything I did. 'So I was talking and I did so for a while.' 'So I was doing jumping jacks and I did so for a while.' 'So I was getting eaten by a shark and I did so for a while.') **until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **(so everyone else had classes, and you and Draco went to the dorms to have sex. It's nice to see where you put your priorities.)**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **(don't take it out on Vampire, you're not even going out with him! What the hell? I'm so confused.)**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Yawn... I'm tired... I was up at the crack of dawn (well, 9.15am) to go horse riding. And my legs hurt like hell now. Ah well! Read and review, folkies! I'm not posting again until I get tin god revoiws. So there.**

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><p>Chapter 8.<p>

AN: stop flassing ok! **(flassing?) **if u do den u r a prep! **(… you really have a thing against 'preps', don't you?)**

Everyone in the class stared at me **(well, obviously) **and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **(**_**cough **_**crazy! **_**cough)**_

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **(screaming sadly? That's something I've never come across, I'll have to try it. Oh, and I already told you, it's 'Enoby' now. Or 'Evony', turns out she's flexible. -**_**Giggle-**_** )**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith **(what the hell is with these apostrophes in random places?) **smiled at me understatedly. **(uh, what?) **She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. **(another person whose eyes constantly look like they're bleeding, like a horror movie. And why is she only opening her eyes now? Was she asleep before you came and disturbed her by screaming?) **She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **(of course.) **Hermione **(NO!) **was kidnapped when she was born. **(who knew?) **Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **(they're dead… so why did you talk about them in the present tense before?) **She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. **(who isn't depressed in this story?) **It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. **(holy Muggle, I'm holding a fork. Where did that come from? Oh, shit, I'm eating rice! Oh yeah!) **(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) **(Griffindoor?)**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **(-gasp!- you don't ignore a professor! Especially when he's 'demeaning' something! These insults just get better. I called my friend a mediocre dunce yesterday and she stared at me like 'Whaaaaaaat?')**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. Everyone gasped. **(he didn't cheat on you, you daft idiot! How the bloody hell can you cheat on someone when you're NOT GOING OUT WITH THEM? Unless he cheated when you were playing Monopoly, I always cheat when I'm playing that game. I volunteer to be the banker so I can steal money out the bank when nobody's looking.)**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **(WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Random POV change!) **I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) **(great to know.) **for a while but then he broke my heart. **(audience: Aaaaah.) **He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **(well, we are a sour ex, aren't we?) **We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, **(this is not news. EVERYBODY in this story has gone through horrible problems. NOBODY has had a normal childhood so far.) **and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **(haha, haha, haha, no!)**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. **(Enoby has such a way with words.) **I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where **(the centaurs appeared out of nowhere, tied you up in rope and took turns shooting you with arrows!) **I had lost my virility to Draco **(She didn't just say that? She **_**did? **_**Holy Muggle.) **and then I started to bust into tears. **(you bust into tears? Like spontaneous human combustion? THAT WOULD BE SO COOL! Especially if it was Enoby on fire!)**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: One person reviewed last chapter! I feel so special... not. Review, people, or I shall come after you with an Enoby!**

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><p>Chapter 9.<p>

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! **(yes, well, maybe you should try! Perhaps then you'll learn some exciting new words, like 'didn't' and 'books', which don't seem to be in your vocabulary at the moment.) **dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **(… what movies have you been watching? Or more importantly, what are you on?) **besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now **(snap? As in snap the magic dragon?) **is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! **(… no, seriously, what are you on? I want some!) **MCR ROX!

I was so mad and sad. **(aww, she can rhyme!) **I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **(whoa, good memory! If she fails at all else in life, she can just get a job as one of those people who are in the Guinness Book Of World Records every year. Wait, that isn't a job? Well, Enoby's stuffed then.) **Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! **(Santa Clause!) **He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) **(no shit) **and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. **(say it isn't true! He's wearing black… but he's NOT gothic? I think we're getting somewhere!) **It was… Voldemort! **(I think you were the last person to get that it was Voldemort. Which is kind of worrying, seeing as you are the writer.)**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice **(wouldn't you be a little more than scared if the most evil dark wizard of all time was zooming towards you on a broom?) **but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. **(what the hell is 'imperius'?)**

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **(I'm sorry, what? Crookshanks is a spell now? You must cast it, and Crookshanks comes flying out the end of your wand and attacks the victim. I can imagine fifty Crookshankses flying round the room in a big battle.) **Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **(felt bad for him? This is Voldemort!)**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **(why the hell is he talking like that?) **I thought about Vampire and his sexah **(sexah…) **eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. **(STOP COMPARING EVERYONE TO THIS JOEL PERSON! OR THIS GERARD PERSON! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THEY ARE!) **I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **(NOW SHE GETS IT! –lots of applause and cheers- Well done Enoby!)**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back. **(ooh, on first name terms are we? Bellatrix would be jealous.)**

Voldemort gave me a gun. **(WHAT. THE. FUCK.)** "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **(Oh my god, he's straight out of Shakespeare's time. How funny would it be if Voldemort appeared in Romeo and Juliet at the end and Avada Kedavra-ed both of them before they killed themselves? Sorry, just ignore me.)**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **(If Voldemort doesn't have this expression on his face when Harry tells him Snape was Dumbledore's man through and through in Deathly Hallows Pt.2 in their 'final showdown', I will murder somebody. The script writers, perhaps.) **"I hath telekinesis." **(isn't telekinesis moving objects with your mind? How is that supposed to help him know Draco was her 'beloved'? Did he move a two-way mirror into their room and spy on them having sex?) **he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. **(I renamed my mum's friend's guinea pigs today! One was called Severus Snape, one was called Luna, and another was called Voldemort because he looks like a serial killer. I think Voldemort might be a girl, though. He loves me very much. Biting me is just his way of showing it.) **Suddenly Draco came into the woods. **(whoa, random!)**

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!" **(… like NOTHING just happened?)**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **(haha, no!) **between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. **(where's my knife? I'm going to kill 'Joel' and 'Gerard', whoever they may be, so that Enoby can't compare them with people anymore!)**

"Are you okay?" I asked. **(what do you think, you idiot? You just made him run into a classroom naked after wrongly accusing him of cheating on you!)**

"No." he answered. **(No, he was going to say: 'Yeah, I'm just dandy! Let's have sex and make babies that are even more retarded than us!' Wow, I'm messed up.)**

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **(expelled? yeah, I wish you'd expel yourself from Hogwarts.)**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **(er… okay?)**


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: ... I have nothing to say. Read on...**

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><p>Chapter 10.<p>

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off!** (fine then, I will! You're so mean to me!)** ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al **(she wasn't a Muggle in the first place. –headdesk-) **n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. **(Voldy changed his name too?) **I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **(you couldn't have chosen a more appealing name?) **I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **(all Muggle bands that a lot of wizards know about? Yeah, that makes sense.) **The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. **(NO! Why would you do that? Why?) **He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) **(oh my god. You got rid of his red hair. How could you?) **and Hargrid. **(Hargrid.) **Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed **(obviously.) **so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) **(so why did Voldemort ask you to kill 'Vampire' with a gun?) **and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **(The Corpse Bride is an animated children's film! Idiot.) **I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **(you really are.) **We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **(of blood?)**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. **(nice reasoning there. You don't want to kill Harry not because it's morally wrong, but because he's a nice guy. I'll keep that in mind when I'm deciding who my next victim is.) **But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **(whoa, whoa, whoa! Where the hell did the wall come from?)**

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **(well, Draco doesn't actually strike me as the type to swear a hell of a lot. So, yes. I delight in proving you wrong.) **I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **(GODSSAKE SOMEBODY KILL THESE RETARDS.) **We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! **(more inappropriate punctuation!) **His eyes were all fiery **(Dumbles had fiery eyes? Sexy... not.) **and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **(no, it was because he drank too much Firewhiskey. DRUNK DUMBLEDORE, WOO!) **"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **(I can cry wisely too. I can also cry stupidly, dumbass-edly and get-me-the-fuck-away-from-this-story-edly.) **(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) **(will you bloody stop dropping these messages everywhere?) **"Ebony **(Enoby.) **Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **(WOOT, ONE DOWN!)**


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: I'm bored, so you're getting another chapter! Woohoo!**

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><p>Chapter 11.<p>

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 **(you know what, I'm willing to bet it is srupid!)** it delz wit rly sris issus! **(FUCK SAKE!) **sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! **(I forgot what happened in the last chapter… oh well!) **B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off **(she's so lovely to people.) **and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **(I've got this hilarious image of Dumbledore chasing Enoby through the halls of Hogwarts shouting her name, through the girls and boys bathrooms , under the Whomping Willow, across the Quidditch pitch while a game is going on and all through Hogsmeade, and then abruptly stopping when he reaches a door. Uh, yeah.) **Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. **(Because that's so normal.)**They got all over my clothes **(anybody else unclear on what she means by 'they'? I'm guessing either her wrists, or her blood. Frankly I'm hoping it's the former, she can't write anymore if she has no wrists.) **so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily **(CANNONBAAAAAAAALL!) **while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **(you see, I've never understood how this would work. It's one of the mysteries of life: How do you stab yourself with a piece of meat? Wouldn't you just get meat juice all over yourself? God, that sounds weird.) **I was so fucking depressed! **(when AREN'T you?) **I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. **(Great, next time I'm depressed I know what to do: Swear at people for no apparent reason, lead Dumbledore on a wild goose chase around school, cannonball into a bath, contemplate killing myself with a piece of meat and then dress up in slutty clothes. Should do the trick!) **I couldn't fucking believe it. **(I'm eating apple flavoured liquorice. It's so addictive.) **Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! **(who the hell is Loopin?) **They were sitting on their broomsticks. **(Oh, oh, lookie! She wrote a normal sentence that actually made sense! WELL DONE ENOBY!)**

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. **(even when you're freaking out you have time to drop in stupid details nobody cares about.) **Suddenly Vampire ran in. "Abra Kedavra!" he yelled **(causing an evil fluffy white bunny to leap out of his hat! Wrong spell!) **at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **(you don't even want to know what I'm thinking. BADBADBAD IMAGES!) **I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times **(I highly doubt your gun has **_**that**_** many bullets.) **and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. **(DUMBLYDORE! Hey, Madame Maxime's arrived on the scene! Haha… can you imagine a depressed emo half-giant French woman? That would beat Enoby and her screwed up life any day. GO MAXIME!)**

"Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly… **(what the hell? Why did he scream? Haha, Dumblydore screaming like a little girl… tehe.) **Hargrid ran outside on his broom **(he ran on his broom? Damn, Hagrid's more talented than we first thought!) **and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **(WTF. He's like, sixty, not sixteen!)**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid **(his name is becoming more and more Viking-like.) **paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **(oh dear God.)**

"This cannot be." Snap **(crackle, and pop!) **said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." **(other 'factors'? Other factors to what? This retarded story? No, REALLY?)**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. Loopin **(I'm having fun saying this. Looooooooooooooopin!) **held up the camera triumelephantly. **(triumelephantly. I'm learning so many new words from this story, it's fantastic!) **"The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **(Yeah, I totally know that feeling.) **"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **(aww, she must mean clock. See, he's not doing anything wrong!)** And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. **('YOU'RE A FUCKING LUNATIC WHO DESERVES TO BE SHOT!' … no? Oh. Shame.) **I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. **(THIS GIRL NEEDS HELP.) **"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **(what the hell?)**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. **(Oh yeah, because he's Christian. EXCEPT HE'S NOT!)**

"Because I LOVE HER!" **(-headdesk- That's all I have to say to that.)**


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Two chapters in 1 day! You lucky goffik preps!**

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><p>Chapter 12. <strong>(this is an extremely long chapter. I nearly died commentating on this.)<strong>

AN: stop f,aing **(this girl could put together a dictionary on words she invented and their meanings. It would be thicker than the Oxford Dictionary, just like her. BADUM CHA! Not funny? Oh.) **ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat **(uh, glad I don't live in America then by the picture you're painting of it!) **I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian **(because he's a wizard! That's how I know he isn't a Christian! Wait did I understand what she just said? Ugh, I'm starting to think like this retard!) **plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **(what the hell…?)**

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago **(isn't 'Drago' how the French sometimes spell Draco's name for some pointless reason? She can speak French, aww! 'I can't speak French, so I'll let the funky music do the talking, talking, oh…' ok, sorry.) **had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly **(YAY! OUR YOUNG EMO WRITER SPELT SOMETHING RIGHT! Wait, isn't that Raven girl correcting this? Huh, Tara whatsherface can't even take credit for a word spelled correctly.) **against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. **(whaaaaaaaat an idiot.)**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. **(Woop, National Screaming Day! !) **

"OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" **(people actually say 'OMFG' instead of 'Oh My Fucking God'? Apparently Harry does.) **and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **(I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO ACHIEVE THIS UNIQUE COLOUR IN ART CLASS.) **I stopped.

"How did u know?" **(know what? Who won cycle 14 of America's Next Top Model? Pfft, I knew that ages ago.)**

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" **(Relax, it's only a TV show!)**

"NO!" I ran up closer. **(yeah, I wanted Raina to win as well. But you can't have everything in life.)**

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me **(what the hell? Have you just been walking around with a pentagram on your forehead? Wouldn't just having the cool scar be easier?) **and I always cover it up with foundation." **(oh, of course. Where would we be without white foundation? Probably somewhere with a lot less pale emos pretending to be vampires. Yep, that's where.) **he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **(Voldemort has him bondage. It makes me think of them having a nice bonding session together over tea and crumpets, and maybe **_**Heat **_**magazine.)**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID **(ooh… nearly!) **were there too. They were going to St. Mango's **(St. Mango's: Tender Loving Care, for fruit.) **after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **(I thought you said HAHRID wasn't a teacher, he was a student? Oh what the hell.) **Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. **(OH MY GOD. Dumblydore pooped out the video camera? WHY?) **I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed **(aww, snuggle! No, that's creepy.) **holding a bouquet of pink roses. "Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, **(because 'very' takes such a lot of time and energy to type out.) **giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. **(you LOVE the colour pink, don't lie!)**

Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. "No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses." **(then what the fuck are they? Baby dragons?)**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. **(don't be stupid, Enoby! Why would Hargrid bring you a bouquet of goths?)**

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily.

"No you didn't I replied." **(Oh yes I did! Oh no you didn't! Oh yes I did! Oh no you didn't! Oh yes I did! Oh no you didn't! Oh look it's raining and snowing outside.)**

"You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." **(what the fuck has Paris Hilton got to do with any of this?)**

Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) **(…) **to it he added silently. **(if he said that silently, you wouldn't be able to hear him..)**

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly. **(angrily: angry and girly. Enoby's so clever, inventing words of her own.)**

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! . **(… what…?)**

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **(you? Wise? ! –splutters and dies from a laughing fit-)**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!" **(I am not even going to begin to evaluate what the hell THAT was about.)**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. **(Oh, of course it did. SILLY ME!) **And it was black. **(I get it.) **Now I knew he wasn't a prep. **(what, that's stereotyping if ever I saw it! I know loads of 'preps' that can produce random black flames from pink roses! Actually, I don't, because in England where this is supposedly set WE DON'T HAVE PREPS. OR HOT TOPIC. But clearly that doesn't matter to you, Enoby.)**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **(And Drako is what mentally retarded people call Draco. Enoby can speak French AND mentally-retarded-ish. Shame she can't speak English.) **

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing. **(that's because it's a fucking flame, DIMWIT.)**

"U c, Enobby," **(NOBBY!) **Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) **(haha piss off!) **u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back. **(haha, yeah, that's it!) **Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. **(I'm eating an Easter egg! I don't care if it's 5 days early, we're away in Rome from Thursday to Monday so I won't get a chance to eat my chocolate then.) **There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. **(And I'm listening to Muse! They're my new favourite band, me thinks… and now my cat is licking my elbow. GET. OFF. YOU. FREAK. OF. NATURE.) **I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) **(oh, ok, I'll just go fuck off then. –runs away and cries- ) **and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss. **('.CARE.)**

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. **(what's cute about dressing up like an emo slut?)**

"Fangs (geddit) **(oh my gawd, piss off!) **you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. **(FREAK!) **I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. **(shades? As in, sunglasses? I see, she's going for, 'If I can't see them, they can't see me!' strategy. I grew out of that was I was SIX, Enoby!) **I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **(what the hell? Do they do hairdressing classes at Hogwarts now? And wait, he was **_**in **_**the hair of magical magic creatures? Is he a flea?) **He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **(I have a question. DO THE TEACHERS EVEN GIVE A TOSS ABOUT ALL THIS? Do they not even wonder why some of their students suck blood from innocent Hufflepuffs and their own wrists? Do they not find that VAGUELY STRANGE at all?)**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way.

"Hi back." I said in an wqually said way. **(… ok, I don't know about everyone else, but when my friend says 'hi' to me, I say 'hi', not 'hi back.' What's the point?) **We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **(can you imagine what the Hufflepuff was thinking…?)**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. **(pfft, yeah you scarred all the Hufflepuffs for life! Remember, most of them still believe in Father Christmas and the tooth fairy.)**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily. **(you know what Enoby? You are such a preppy slut, it's unbelievable! AAAAAAAARRRGGHHHH! OK. That's out my system now.)**

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" **(ATTENTION SEEKER!) **and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **(more red whites.)**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. "I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **(anyone else have major déjà vu? Volfemort sounds like a dog… oh, I saw Voldemort the guinea pig again today! He only bit me twice! I think he's really starting to care! And I named his father Tom Riddle Senior. Though it was a bit awkward when we found out they were both girls.)**

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111 **(you're the bloody author! Dear me -.- )**

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I **(oh, lovely! HEY **_**YOU'RE**_** SUPPOSED TO WRITE **_**MY **_**STORY BECAUSE I'M TOO LAZY TO USE SPELL CHECK AND NOW I'M BLAMING YOU FOR MY LAZINESS and by the way do you know where my sweater is? Raven, don't tell her!)**


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Thank you for all the reviews, story alerts and favourites! I love you all! And Enoby's being called Ebooby for as long as I can remember to write that now, for Doctor Brittana Banana Who. Anybody else who has suggestions as to what I should call Ebony, suggest in a review!**

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><p>Chapter 13. <strong>(well, this chapter is stupidly short, so everything's good!)<strong>

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG! **(I'm. Bored. Already.)**

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared. **(of what? I forgot what happened in the last chapter. I was too busy getting on with my life TO CARE.)**

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled.

Dumbledore came there. **(He just comes at your command, like a dog? Aww... Dumblydore! Here, boy! Here!) **"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily. **(this guy went round selling sparkly rocks to gullible people [me] today! I'll never get that 30p back.)**

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time. **(VOLSEMORT. DUN DUN DUUUUN!)**

He laughed in an evil voice. **(..!)**

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged. **(are you saying everything in unison now? Haha…)**

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. **(wtf? There would be no kids around today if all teachers were like that! 'Miss, so-and-so's being beaten up!' 'Meh, I never really liked the kid much anyway. Go have fun.')**

Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) **(they actually are. –****cough- blaineonglee -cough-)**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm.

"I had an idea!" he exclaimed. **(where'd you lose it?)**

"What?" I asked him. **(EBOOBY ASKED A SENSIBLE QUESTION!)**

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. **(you know what, they've not used wands throughout this whole story, so when a wand is finally mentioned I immediately think of something dirty.) **Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **(Voldemort has a lair now… that's so much cooler than Malfoy Manor!) **We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. **(a croon voice? Was he singing?)**

"Allah Kedavra!" It was….. Voldemort! **(Behold: Voldemort, the Muslim singing sensation! .)**


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: 2 chapters! Yay!**

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><p>Chapter 14. <strong>(I'm listening to Ellie Goulding. Ooh, not anymore. Now it's Jessie J. 'Okay, Coconut Man, Moonheads, and P!')<strong>

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. **(who here believes her? –one person raises hand- you fukin prep!) **PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. **(What. The. Fuck. Sum of dis chapta is so scary she's **_**advising**_** us to poo ourselves.)**

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. **(SHE SPELT CEDRIC'S NAME RIGHT! WAY TO GO, ENOBY! YOU'RE LEARNING!) **Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him. **(WORMTAIL YOU RETARD!) **Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail. **(because that's not a stupid thing to do at all!)**

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted **(why can I NOT imagine 'Snaketail' talking about preps?) **as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down **(the stairs!) **with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. **(what the fuck. Is Ebooby like, a vampire out of Twilight now, all mysteriously alluring and attractive as soon as you look at her? Wait, stupid question.)**

"Enoby i love you will you have sex with me." **(THIS IS JUST STUPID NOW!) **he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok) **(no, but you are! wait, what's a pedofile? Oh, I think it's American. Or Eboobese. Hah, say that out loud in front of your parents. My mum just looked at me weirdly.)**

"Huh?" I asked. **(SO SMART!)**

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. **(I went to a theme park today! My arms smell funny because I put suntan lotion on them, so I've got that smell mixed up with the smell of the rides. A LOT of different people sit on those rides… and I'm still dizzy…)**

"What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. **(Whereas Harry gave him a second chance after he betrayed his parents because he reckoned nobody deserved the Dementor's Kiss. Which kinda just shows the difference between what Harry Potter is about and what this shite is about. And is Ebooby saying that if he HADN'T tortured her 'bf', she would have fucked him?) **Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain. **(… No. No, no, no. His own silver hand strangling him was a much better way for him to die.)**

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. **(Yeah, I know that's what I'd do if I'd been stabbed! Run around everywhere! Got to get my number of footsteps taken during my lifetime up before I die!) **Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. **(he's still speaking like that?) **Then… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **(… I was just overcome with chuckles. Yes, chuckles.) **So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. **(…since when did you have broomsticks? You ran to where 'Volcemort' was, you said so at the beginning of the chapter. Oh, I see, you did that running-on-your-broomstick thing that Hairgrid did earlier.) **We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco **(WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK?) **taking off his clothes so we could screw. **('Hey, Ebooby, you just saved me from certain death! Let's celebrate by having sex!' … No, just no.) **He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) **(er, yeah. The sex-pack. Right.) **and a really huge you-know-what **(A really huge inflatable of You-Know-Who? Really? Where can I get one?) **and everything. **(and everything? What else is there? He has a sex-pack and an inflatable of You-Know-Who, what else does a person need?)**

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain **(here we go.) **like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything." **(What about Willow? Oh, yeah, she's a tree.)**

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco. **(like you and Ebooby aren't! Man whore.)**

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! **(-big sigh-) **Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. **(yeah, who the hell knows why!) **Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" **(go to hell Ebooby! Actually, don't, you'd probably love it there! Go to the Magical Land of Lollipops and Fluffy Pencils!) **I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing **(Could have fooled me!) **but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) **(and it has most definitely gone to her head!) **"Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away. **(All Ebooby ever does is scream, curse, run away, screw people, and complain.) (Ebooby is one of those people that would try to drown a fish. Whereas I, on the other hand, am the type of person who only gets what that means four months after hearing it. Seriously, I thought it meant you were cruel if you tried to drown a fish, not stupid. True story.)**


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: I'm giving you 3 chapters in 1 day, you lucky things! Ah, well, I won't be able to post again till Monday so consider it an offering until then. Read and review, my goffik preps.**

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><p>Chapter 15.<p>

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! **(ristsz sounds so cool… I wish I had some!) **fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein! **(Right, Raven must die, simply for ENCOURAGING this monstrosity.)**

"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!" **(this chapter is so pointless. I'm telling you now. NOTHING happens to contribute to the story.) **But I was too mad. "Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. **(You ungrateful biatch! I just remembered what happened. She had this big rant about being 'beautiful', though most people would probably describe her as incredibly screwed up, and now she's going off at Draco for it! What the hell did he do wrong? Are you PMSing? Hell, I think Ebooby is PMSing all the time! That's not normal!) **I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. **(Unnecessary details… again…) **He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry and weep. **(they're the same thing.) **I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. **("Hey, Enoby, you don't look very good." "I know, I'm depressed." "Oh, well, want a little pick-me-up!" "Sure… what?" "There's some A+ type blood right here!" "Great, and I'll just slit my wrists while I'm at it!" "You'll feel right as rain soon!") **Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. **(so… Hogwarts has hairdressing class and Biology class. What next? Sheep shearing classes?)**

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress **(I don't bloody care.) **that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. **(I got two new tops and a new skirt today!) **Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. **(Slipped my mind to tell Dad how much the skirt cost though… oops. Not. Well, it's from River Island, so it's 'kawaii'.) **I put my ebony black hair out. **(…you put it out? Like, you'd put the cat out? Whaaaaat…?) **Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. **(You're a great barrel of laughs, did you know that, Enoby? You're so much fun to be around! Har har har!) **I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! **(I have officially lost the story. I am utterly confused now.)**

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. **(yawn.)**"I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. **(Well, we always knew Draco was a little funny in the head.) **Before I met you **(**_**'I was a wreck but things were kind of heavy, you brought me to life, now every February, you'll be my Valentine, Valentine.' **_**Bear in mind I'm listening to the Glee version, NOT Katy Perry. Darren Criss pwns her, he actually manages to give the lyrics some meaning!) **I used to want to commit suicide all the time. **(silly Draco! Those aren't the lyrics!) **Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." Then…. he started to sing **('IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY! EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND! FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GETTING DOWN ON FRIDAY! EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND!' It's Wednesday, Rebecca. Wednesday.) **"Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) **(well, it's not your song, alright? It's the songwriter and the artist's song! Or whoever sings it! YOU CAN'T OWN EVERYTHING ENOBY!) **right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) . **(that's a lot of people for it to be a cross between. She probably means he sounds like a strangled walrus.)**

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. **(OK, this is annoying me now. Do they actually say 'oh em eff gee'? Because that is the most preppy thing they could say. Ever.) **Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) **(more pointless details! Why the hell does she think we care?) **at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) **(what the hell did Hilary Duff ever do to you? God this girl holds grudges for stupid reasons!) **and CMM in a Cinderella Story. **(… ok!) **Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. **(I highly doubt that, dear. **_**Oh, look at the sexy couple walking past! Let's all clap them! **_**–thunderous applause- **_**Oh, wait, it's that goffik Satanist biatch and the screwed up ferret. Back to your sheep shearing, everyone.) **_Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. **(déjà vu, anyone? AGAIN?) **We looked at each other all shocked **(well, yeah, a Muggle band is performing in Hogsmeade! I still don't get what that's all about!) **and then we went 2gether.


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: HAPPY BELATED EASTER! I had a great time in Rome, it really is amazing there. It looks like a film set. And we were staying not even 300m from the Colosseum... we literally just walked down the road, turned the corner, and there it was. Every day. It was so surreal :D**

**HAS EVERYONE SEEN THE DOCTOR WHO EASTER EPISODE? I won't give anything away in case you've not seen it yet - spoilers :D XD But it was AMAZING. AY-MAZE-ING. Or maybe I'm just excitable.**

**Back to school tomorrow. Ugh. At least it's only a 3 day week this week, as we have the day off on Friday for the Royal Wedding. Anybody else watching it? I am. I want to see Kate's dress. **

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><p>Chapter 16. <strong>(this chapter is so long, I nearly slit my wrists just like Enooby!)<strong>

AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! **(Fine! I'M A NUT PREP! Happy?) **raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! **(YOU'RE THE BLOODY AUTHOR!) **Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! **(Dodis = new breed of dodos. They're back, people! What the hell is she going on at Raven for, anyway? This was hardly her fault! Actually, on second thoughts, it probably was.) **BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese! **(No, don't give her another language to make crap out of!)**

We ran happily to Hogsmede. **(giggle.) **There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! **(you mean you were so fucking high!) **Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection **(…) **but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. **(Hey, Enooby, did Draco ever tell you about the many times he slept with Pansy? **_**What? No! –lots of screaming, swearing, Draco-singing, outfit-changing, meat-juice, random-people-screwing, blood-drinking and wrist-slitting later- And so yeah, I'm totally fine with that, 'cause you know, we weren't together then. **_**Of course you are, Enooby. Of course you are.) **I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. **(-puts knife down slowly- I was this close to killing myself. If there are ANY MORE pointless descriptions of Enooby's never-changing outfits, I WILL do it. I'll kill Enooby first, of course. I want to do some good in the world and bring peace to the people.) **Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. **(DON'T BRING THE FRENCH INTO THIS!) **We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. **(… what mask? Since when was he wearing a mask?) **So did the others. **(what the hell? I'm so confused?) **We gasped. It wasn't them at all. **(No way, Sherlock!) **It was.,….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers! **(AWESOME! The Death Dealers are like drug dealers, but they deal out death. By drugs. Who knew Voldemort's followers were all hiiighhh!) **

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. **(you're already at the concert! You complete retard!) **"Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them"

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what. **(yeah, my dad doesn't like to talk about the footie when we lose badly either.)**

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice.

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT." **(GAH.)**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. **(the MAINSTREAM? What the fuck has that got to do with ANYTHING?) **"So I guess ur a prep or a Christina **(A Christina?) **or what now?"

"NO." he muttered loudly. **(how the hell can you mutter loudly?)**

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily. **(-bangs head on wall repeatedly-)**

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me. I was flattened **(by a falling piano) **cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me! **(no, he was just reading them off a sheet he'd printed off earlier. Dead romantic! That was sarcasm by the way, Enooby. In case you didn't pick up on that.)**

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room. **(have you completely forgotten about the Death Dealers in Hogsmeade?) **B'loody Mary was standing there.

"Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese). **(unfortunately it does, I can't pull her up on that… though I bet she can't pronounce it.) **"BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) **(… what did Raven do to make Tara upset? Whatever it was, that girl deserves a medal for Services to Ridding The World Of Crap Depressed Emo 'Goffik' writers. … She did attempt to kill her, didn't she? If not, MY TURN!)**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily. Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. **(that's not a gothic movie! Little kids watch that all the time!) **"Maybe Willow will die too." I said. **(you're such nice people. I sincerely hope I NEVER meet you and piss you off.)**

"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. **(my brain cells are rotting. RAVEN! PLEASE COME BACK! AT LEAST YOU CAN SPELL MOST OF THE TIME!)**"Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak."

"Kawai." I commnted happily . **(WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT THIS LIKE IT'S NORMAL? THEY NEED MENTAL HOSPITALS!) **We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie. **(WHAT THE HELL?)**"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." I sed. **(… for the second time in one day?) **" I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA." B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY.

"Omfg totally lets go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. **(you need to try some other shops. DESPERATELY.)**

"No." My head snaped up. 'WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?" **(Enooby is the most judgemental person ever! She doesn't even wait for an explanation, she just screams at someone when she thinks they've done something wrong! I'd be terrified to be her friend!) **

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. **(that didn't sound like laughing, that sounded like shrieks of terror!) **"I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all."

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!). **(… why?) **Or me.

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms." **(your brooms have mobiles now?)**

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly.

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." **(wait, so Dumblydore didn't tell you. You were snooping around in his office and saw the map with the 'goffic' shops on it!) **She told me. "Come on let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. **(yes, emphasis on the plural of concert. How many concerts are you going to go to before this story finally finishes?) **The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE **(SHUT. UP.) **and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs."

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked. **(yeah, so not you!) **

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera." **(… what the hell? How were you supposed to know they had a camera anyway?)**

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" **(So when we were in Rome, it was obviously Easter weekend, and us being the very non-religious folk that we are, my family got all confused over when Jesus died and when he rose again out of his tomb thing (which you have to admit, was quite cool. I want to be buried in a stone tomb.) In the end I decided that he must have died on Friday and risen again on Sunday. That's why Primark and Topshop and all the important places are open on Saturday. Yes, I did go off topic, because I'm FUCKING SICK OF ENOOBY'S WHINING.) **I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said. **(don't say Oh My Satan! It's Easter weekend! Say 'Oh my **_**Polski Papa!'**_** It means Polish Pope. Our taxi driver kept saying it over and over again to get his point across 'cos he didn't speak a word of English. It was really funny. Seriously, you should try listening to an Italian saying 'Polski Papa, Polski Papa, Polski Papa!' over and over again drawing imaginary halos around his head.)**

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary.

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. **(… who wants to bet this guy gets sacked?) **Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way **(haha, we get it! TARA! Seriously, what did Raven do to Tara? Is Raven her real name? Poor, poor girl.) **what's yours?"

"Tom Rid." **(-dies-) **He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight."

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" I yelled angrily, **(-comes back alive again, kills Enooby, and dies. Again. Like the Doctor. I regenerate. But not into Matt Smith. Even though he is vair vair cool with his bow ties and tweed jackets and funny hair.-) **but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried.

"OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!" **(OMFG WHAT IS IT? I don't care, m'off to watch Doctor Who.)**


	17. Chapter 17

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. **(… and people will be tripping over themselves to take that quiz!) **if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr! **(you stole her poster? How the fuck can you steal someone's poster?)**

Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free.He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual) **(GAAAAHHHH!) **Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. **(OH MY GOD ENOOBY! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T SPELL WORDS RIGHT! I DID NOT JUST NEED TO READ THAT!)**

"WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjuckingbastard." **(FJUCKING! WHAT A FJUCKING COOL WORD! ENOBY, YOU FJUCKER!) **Well anyway Willow came Hargird went away angrily**.**

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said. **(I thought Willow was dead? Hermione killed her. Sorry, B'loody Mary killed her. Why is she calling her a bitch? Is 'bitch' like a nickname for her? 'Cause it's so accurate!)**

"Yah but not as kawaii as you."I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything**. (and everything? Haha, Willow's got everything and you haven't Enoby!) **She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt,leather fish-netsandblack poiny bootsthat showed off how pale she wuz.** (We're writing a gothic horror in English. My creature is going to be Enoby, and my hero/victim/poor sod is going to be called 'Drako'. The horror is that Enoby, the monstrous creature, can't spell 'gothic' right. She spells it goffik. Haha, m'only joking! A crazy bloke in an asylum is much cooler!) **She had a really nice body wif big bobsand everything.** (I have a neighbour called Bob… WOAH, WOAH, WOAH. BAD. IMAGES.)**She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic. **(… and that's a good thing?)**

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked.

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." **(who's Diabolo again?) **she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. **(wait, a diabolo is one of those juggling things. WHY THE FJUCK IS HE NAMED AFTER JUGGLING THINGS?) **They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. **(no, dear, that's called 'blindness' and 'not quite right in the head'.) **Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it.** (666 is the number of the beast (whoever the beast is, might be Frankenstein reincarnated. Or Enoby.) Why does she go around promoting this number?) **He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson.Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. B'loody Mart **(B'loody Mart: Where you can get all your **_**bloody **_**goods for low low prices!) **was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. Dracola used to be called Navel **(Ohhhh myyyyy godddddd. NAVEL? SERIOUSLY? FORGET EDAM CHEESE, I'M GOING TO CRY ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW!) **but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires.They dyedin a car crash.Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth.He was in Slitherin now. **(Slytherin must be full to bursting now. I suppose they can take over the Hufflepuff common room, as there are so few Hufflepuffs left now. They killed most of them and drank their blood. For once, I am not proud to be a Slythindor. What did the Hufflepuffs ever do…?) **He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it.We kall him Dracula now. Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik)** (… whaaat? No, Enoby. NO, I DON'T GET IT! I DON'T GET ANYTHING YOU SAY AND IT MAKES ME SAD FOR THE HUMAN RACE OR THE VAMPIRE RACE OR THE REINCARNATED CREATURE RACE OR WHATVER THAT YOU EXIST EVEN IN THIS FICTIONAL WORLD AND YOU ARE DESTROYING EVERYTHING INCLUDING MY LIFE AND SANITY AND I WANT TO CRY ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! Aaaah. Ok, now that's out my system!) **that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak.Draco and I made out.We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps.We soon got there….I gapsed. Gerard was da sexiest guy eva!He locked even sexier den he did in pix.He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes.He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice.** (how can you have an ethnic voice?) **We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. **(odder. Like a cow udder. Like a cow. Yes you are one, Enoby.) **Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all!It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes.Every1 ran away but me and Draco. **(get OUT of there! FJUCKSAKE!)**

Draco and I came. It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! **(theeeeey're back!)**

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. **(aww… He needs Quirrell! 'When I rule the world, I'll plant flowers…' 'When I rule the world, I'll have… SNAKES!') **"Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!" **(CRACK OPEN THE FIREWHISKEY!)**

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife**.** **(It would be much easier just to Avada them, Baldy.) **Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick.He had lung black hair and a looong black bread.He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back.** (-curls up in a tight ball in the corner of her room and rocks backwards and forwards, whimpering, 'Please let humanity be alright… please let this not be Dumbledore… when I wake up there will be blue skies even though it is nighttime and this story won't exist…'-) **He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away.It was…DUMBLYDORE! **(GRANGER, SHUT YOUR UNGODLY LOPSIDED MOUTH AND QUIT INTERRUPTING!)**


	18. Chapter 18

**AN: I hate rounders... a lot...**

**Thank you for all your reviews so far! I love you all *hugs* And keep reviewing!**

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><p>Chapter 18.<p>

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! **(does she ever get tired of insulting herself?) **fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuff. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! **(Ok, what the hell is a sewter?) **ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der! **(… swearing doesn't make you GOTHIC!)**

I woke up the next day in my coffin. **(Yeah, well I woke up in my microwave, beat that Enoby!) **I walked out of it and put on some black eyelinerblack eyesharrowblood-bed** (what's a blood-bed? This girl could put together a catalogue of items nobody's ever heard of and make a roaring profit! … Or, you know, maybe not.) **lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. **(yeah, you aren't a slut at all.) **I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it. **('Imagine that the world is round, and there's all this shit all over the place that makes it up like rocks and waste, and you think, oh, what the fuck does all of this mean? But actually, it's made of the same stuff that's over here, and over there, and up in the stars… everywhere's covered in shit.' I love that video.)**

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth). **(-headdesk-)**We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. **(the broom stuff. –sigh-) **There was lace all over it. **(… EXCUSE ME? THERE WAS LACE ON THE BROOM?) **Draco had a black MCR boom. **(oh my god.) **We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.) **(a dancing competition? With their massive You-Know-Who inflatable? YEAH, SHAKE THAT BUTT, INFLATABLE VOLDY…! Ignore me…)**

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. **(Grate Hall? Are there cheese graters everywhere? Shit, Enoby's just found a new way of attempting to kill herself but will never actually get round to doing the deed and putting us all out of our misery!) **There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys. **(Yeah, like you don't have a bright pink bedroom with posters of Ashlee Simpson everywhere, Tara!)**

"WTF!" **(she actually shouts, 'DOUBLE YOOH, TEE, EFF!')**I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing **(I have a song from an old advert stuck in my head. 'Tooty fruity, now my jeans fit my booty, gooey heaven, yummy food twenty-four-seven! Oi, boy, yummy food I can enjoy!') **a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing** (IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, WE DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, WE JUST WANNA MAKE THE WORLD DANCE, FORGET ABOUT THE PRICETAG! Fuck yeah Jessie J!) **a long gothic blak dress with blood red writingthat was all lacy and came up to your thighs** (MY thighs? –starts to edge away slowly from Enoby the Pervert-) **and black boots and , Dracula and Draco came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. **('When I think about how vast the solar system is, and the whole universe, it completely just… fucks with my mind.') **The boys joined in cause they were bi.

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was saying **(belly buttons can talk? OH MY GOD I want mine to talk!) **as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came.** (A lot of people have this 'everything'. I want an 'everything'!) **He was the same one **(the same what? Stainless steel teaspoon?) **who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skinbut he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black. **(why did he dye his hare black? Hares are gothic now?)**

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped. **(my friend and I decided that the right way to hold a pencil is in the middle. Imagine if you stood up in the middle of an exam and screamed, 'WHY IS EVERYBODY HOLDING THEIR PENCIL THE WRONG WAY?' Then the teacher stands up, holding his pen, to tell you to sit down, and you shout at him, 'YOU'RE HOLDING IT THE WRONG WAY TOO! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU?' … Ignore that…)**

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!" **('Volcanoes. They spill out fucking loads of clouds! … I had no fucking idea they came out the ground like this!')**

"Hello everyone."he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?" **(I think it could use… a little less black… maybe?)**

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer**.** **(really, there are still people left in Gryffindor? I thought they'd all transferred to Slytherin after all their parents died in a car crash and turned out to be vampires!) **Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our couldn't believe what a poser he was!1. **(you're not the only ones allowed to wear black, you know!)**

"BTW you can call me Albert." **(… ALBERT? WTF? MY GRANDAD'S PIGEON IS CALLED ALBERT!) **HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we Transfomation.** (As you 'we we Transformation'? .. EH?) **We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) **(I still have NO idea who Gerard is, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't cry tears of blood!) **but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted. **(… mid-life? He's, like, 150! Or something! He's ancient! Not middle-aged!)**

I was so fucking angry. **(does anybody here actually care…? –one person raises hand- HEY! YOU WERE THE PERSON WHO BELIEVED HER WHEN SHE SAID SHE SLIT HER WRISTS AND WENT TO HOSPITAL! GET OUT OF HERE YOU FJUCKING PREP!)**


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: Thank you to those who cleared up who Gerard and Joel were for me! I'd heard of My Chemical Romance and Good Charlotte, but I didn't know who sung for them. **

**AWWW! Kate and William's wedding was AMAZING. I am in love with Kate's dress! I usually hate lace but she looked absolutely beautiful! They're such a lovely couple. And it was so sweet when they kissed on the balcony, they didn't need to prompted or pushed or anything. Kate's sister Pippa was stunning as well, and all the bridesmaids were so cute! I can't believe people came from all over the world just to be in London and to see that... but it was probably well worth it for them. ^^ Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling now and let you read, if you actually read all that! Please review, folks. ;)**

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><p>Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise <strong>(… what? This is only the title of the chapter and I've already lost it!)<strong>

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11frum noq **(frum nog? It sounds like a mixture of frogs, plums and egg nog. Is this what Enoby has for breakfast?) **un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111** (delt our men? Er... okay.) **BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11 **(TARA YOU ARE A FAIL AT LIFE.)**

All day we sat angerly finking about were so fucking pissed off.** (I know, he's so much more goffik than you!) **Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go. **(WHERE DO ALL THESE CONCERTS COME FROM?)**

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes**.** **(… you cut classes because you didn't like that your 150-year-old headmaster had turned goffik. Yes, that makes total sense. NO, NO IT DOESN'T.) **Draco was being all secretive. **(-cue Mission Impossible music-)**

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot). **(Can't say I've ever met one, but I hope they're not all like Draco!)**

"No one fucking understands me!1" he shoutedangrily **(FJUCK SAKE, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WITH PROBLEMS! Actually, he is dating Enoby (well, not really dating, she's more like somebody he screws whenever he's depressed. They're like screwing buddies. GOD, THAT'S DISTURBING), so maybe he does have a bigger problem than the rest of us. Let's set up a charity called 'Help For Poor Sods In The Clutches Of Satanist Bitches'.) **as his black hare** (why does everyone have hares now? What's wrong with rabbits?) **went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz.** (Now Green Day is a band I've heard of, and I really like them, especially that song! Please don't mention it, you'll ruin it for me! Now I know how all you MCR and GC fans feel reading this story…) **He was wearing black baggy paints,a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) **(-headdesk- -facepalm- Repeatedly. Enoby, we've already established that you are NOT. GOTHIC. IN. THE. SLIGHTEST. You're just a whiny freak of nature!) **I was wearinga blak leather low cut top with chains all over itall over it a blak leather mini,black high held boots and a cross belly fing**. (a cross belly fing… you're going to have to elaborate, love, nobody knows what you're on about.) **My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik) **(she's inviting people to email her? Does she have a clue who might be reading this? Let's just hope she didn't put her email address up on her profile! Though she probably did, idiot gemo.)**

"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled. **(FORGET DRACO, ENOBY IS THE MOST SELFISH, UNGRATEFUL BITCH IN THE WORLD!)**

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted. **(But, but, but but but! But, but, but but but! BUTT TRUMPET!)**

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned. **(Enoby, just please, please, PLEASE, go die in a hole. I'll pay for the transport! Then they can bury you in the hole!)**

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted. **(It's not what WHAT fucking looks like? I'm so confused!)**

But it was to late. I knew what I herd.** (a herd of cows rampaging up to your room to tear you to pieces and eat you? Has anybody ever seen a herd of cows running up a hill? It's one of the most hilarious things in the world!) **I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. whipped and whepped **(oh my god.) **as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeksand made cool tears down my feceslike Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!).** (No, Ebony, it's not. How many times do I have to tell you, you can't own everything! The people who made the video own the video, not you and your stupid bird!) **I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot. **(You see, if you went round to The Burrow, Mrs Weasley would make you tea. However, if you go to Enoby when you're upset, she'll force you to smoke pot…)**

Suddenly Hargrid had appearated. **(into the bathroom?)**

"You gave me a fucking shock!"I shouted angrily dropping my pot. **(what pot? The chamber pot you had just been innocently doing your business in? Nope, illegal pot! That's our Enoby!) **"Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?"

Only it wasn't just else was with him too!** (The real Hagrid? Dobby? ROLF HARRIS?) **For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco **(I WANT IT TO BE ROLF HARRIS!) **but it was Dumblydore.

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse **(… oh, my god. I am now speechless. **_**Speechless.) **_"What are u wearing to the concert?"

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped.

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u." **(A MEAT CLEAVER!) **


	20. Chapter 20

**On to the next chapter of the story! Thank you so much for all your reviews so far - please keep them coming!**

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><p>Chapter 20.<p>

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink!stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz. **(Transylvania's a real place? MIND. BLOWN. Maybe she's going to have a vampire conference! With real live vampires! And she'll turn up at the conference, and she'll say, 'Hi, my name Ebony D'arkness Dementia Raven Way –' and they'll kick her out straight after that because she has a fucked up name even for a vampire. Or they might tear her to pieces and burn her.)**

All day I wondered what the surprise was.** (I told you, it's a met cleaver!) **Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini **(NO NO NO NO NO!) **a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it,** (… anyone want to hear about the British version of 'Friday' my friend and I made up?) **an black gothic compact were gong 2 do the concert again,since Volxemort **(Oh my god, who?) **had taken over the last one.** (… which you should probably be more alarmed about!) **I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. **(it goes like this: 'It is Friday, Friday, got to get down to the pub, chaps! Everybody's looking forward to swirling brandy! Friday, Friday, having tea on Friday! Chuffed, chuffed, chuffed, spiffing! Looking forward to the cricket match!') **Suddenly someone knocked on the door **(JUSTIN BIEBER! YOU CAME TO KILL ENOBY WITH YOUR SINGING! **_**Damn right I did! … Wait, what did you call me? **_**Justin Bieber. **_**… How can you say that? I'm a vampire slayer, not Justin Bieber! I'm insulted, and I'm leaving! –slams door- **_**… Woah, wait till this gets out! Bieber's a vampire slayer!) **while I was trying on sum black clothesand moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom.** (… I thought of 'Thank You For The Music' when I read that. Enoby moshing to ABBA... disturbing! Except what is moshing? I still don't know!) **I gut all mad and turned it of, **(it's only someone knocking at the bloody door!) **but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again. **(… wow, this girl is messed up. First she said that she SACREDLY hopped inside – hopped inside what, exactly? A car that was going to drive her to Translyvania and dump her at the side of a road somewhere? And then she said she wanted to do it again with Draco. Either she means the dancing competition with Inflatable Voldy that they had the other day, or she means having sex. It's unclear which one.)**

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! "R u gonna cum rape me or what." I yelled**.** **(… no, I reckon you were the one hoping for that!) **I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo. **(and being careful is screaming that at him? And why the hell are he and Snap still in the school if they're paedos? And where are Crackle and Pop?)**

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) **(… what?) **kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily. **(… why would ENOBY have condoms? She's a girl! … As far as we know…)**

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" **(NO, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE HAVING THESE SICK THOUGHTS!) **I shouted sarkastikally. **(would it have killed you to replace those two 'k's with 'c's…?)**

"Fuker." He said,gong away. **(GOOOOONNNNGGG!)**

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow,black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white I I gasped… ... ... **(dots!) **... ... **(It's like Morse Code, this!)**... Snake **(WHO?) **and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall,doin it,and Dobby was watching!1 **(I'm going to go down to the train station now and stand on the tracks and wait for the next train to come and kill me.)**

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" **(more fantastic insults.) **they both shooted angrily when they saw ran away got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on(I luv cing guyz do it) **(I don't want to know anything else about THAT, thank you, Enoby!) **but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now) **(… Wh-wh-what? Snape was moved to Gryffindor? … WHAT? Why, that's absurd! 10 points from Gryffindor! … But seriously, I want to strangle Tara Gillespie with a rubber chicken now.)**

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat) **(yes, but that word has nothing to do with what you were saying!)**

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin shouted angrily. **(Lupin ate a pumpkin! Ew…)**

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed. **(… what the hell did you THINK he wanted it for? Bloody hell!)**

"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily.** (I've just realized Lupin was having sex with a snake… oh lordy, that's nasty…) **And then…I took out my black camera **(really? I was expecting it to be hot pink!) **and took a pic of them.U could see that they were naked and everything. **(no shit, Sherlock! And who's the bloody pervert now, eh? Hypocritical bitch.)**

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?" **(Haha, I have an image of them both standing up, clicking their fingers in a sassy sort of way and squealing, 'Well, ex**_**cuuuuuuuuuse **_**me!' and flinging their handbags to side ready for a fight.)**

"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked. **(You snarked? Is this Snake's new way of speaking and he taught Enoby how to 'snark' Snark like a Snake!) **"So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork.** (DUMBLEDORE IS NOT A DORK! I'LL SHOW YOU DORK! –gets up and sings a song about all the elements in the periodic table- I wish I did know a song like that. Wouldn't that be so dorky and cool to sing?) **So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. **(I don't think they're going to fuck off just like that, dear. Lately you've been doing a hell of a lot more fucking than them…) **They chased me but I threw my wound at them** (I thought wounds were like, on your body… not weapons…) **and dey tripped over it.** (they tripped over her wound? Well, isn't that such a disturbing image?) **Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot. **(WHO WANTS TO BET THAT THEY 'JUMP ON EACH OTHER AND SCREW' IN FRONT OF SOME INNOCENT HUFFLEPUFF?)**

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him. **(No need to swear just because Draco isn't in the first place you look! He's not a toddler and you're not his mother!)**

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum."Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?" **(-having a laughing fit over here-)**

Then….. he showed me his flying car**. (HOW MANY FLYING CARS ARE IN THIS STORY?) **I gasped. It was a black car. **(Mr Weasley's blue one is better.) **He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him. **(dogfather, godfather, I see what you did there!... No, no I really don't.) **The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. **(Of course it did. You're not obsessive stalker fans of MCR or anything, you've just got them on your number plate along with the number of 'the beast'. That's not worrying in the slightest.) **The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it. **(As if she needed her ego boosting anymore!)**

….I gasped.

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing. **(No, really? I thought you were off to see an ABBA tribute band!)**

Vampire and I began 2 make out, **(right, who is Enoby's boyfriend? Vampire or Draco? Two-timing slut.) **moshing to the muzik.I gapsed, looking at da band. **(Yeah, this is her: **_**Gasp! Look at them! Normal human beings! That's how I should have turned out! Oh, woe is my life! –slits wrists-)**_

I almost had an so fucking hot!** (WE. GET. IT.) **He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexahbeautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. **(he's finally seen sense and is curled up in a ball, rocking himself, muttering about how humanity is lost and when he opens his eyes, none of this will be real, especially Enoby's screwed up world!)**


	21. Chapter 21

**AN: Hullo! Haha, a couple of people actually liked my British version of Friday! Maybe I'll make a whole song out of it... but don't worry, I won't make you guys read it... I'm not that cruel...**

**So after this chapter, there's one chapter to go, and then we'll be halfway there to finishing this piece of makes-my-eyes-bleed crap! LET'S MAKE IT TO 100 REVIEWS BY THEN! OR MORE! MORE WOULD BE GOOD! Thank you :D**

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><p>Chapter 21.<p>

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng nut ma fult if itz speld rong** (Yes, it is!) **ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1** (Actually, Raven's the one making it better. But you know, she still deserves to die.) **woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help.** (Oh, well that's nice!) **btw transilvana rox hrad!1** (I'm sure Transylvania appreciated you saying that. Now they can add 'rox hrad!1' to their tourist information leaflets.) **I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed! **(Drkola? Eh?)**

Later we all went in the skull. **(where?) **Draco was crying in da common room. "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice. **(how the fuck do you have a gothic voice? … I just tried doing a gothic voice. It came out as a really raspy voice that made me sound like a 50-year-old paedophile.)**

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way**. (… who else would LOVE to see Lauren Lopez play Enoby's version of Draco? It'd be brilliant! He'd be rolling around everywhere after 'B'loody Mary' and trying to escape from Enoby to Pigfarts!) **I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide. **(er, again?)**

"Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. "Ill make him feel better."

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too. **(I looked up the Periodic Table Song like you guys told me to on Youtube! Well actually, I listened to the Element Song by Tom Lehrer. I listened to Daniel Radcliffe sing it! 'Hold on, quiet, ssh, QUIET! … Now clap.' It's my new favourite song!)**

"Draco please come!" he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face**.** **(and then I spent half an hour trying to learn it! But all I achieved was being very out of breath and a new habit of saying aluminium the American way.) **I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!) **(is a homophone a gay phone? Or a phone that's scared of gay people?)**

And then… … … … … **(more dots!) **… … … … … ..we herd sum footsteps!** (Oh my god, this is more dramatic than the lead-up to Archie's death on Eastenders.) **Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke.** (Is now really the time to be drinking Coke? WE'VE GOT DRAMA GOING ON HERE, PEOPLE, WE NEED POPCORN!) **We both gut under saw the janitor Mr. Norris there**,** shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand. **(… What? Does she mean Mrs Norris? And since when did Hogwarts have a janitor? Filch is the caretaker! And flashlights wouldn't work at Hogwarts. It's too… what's the word… oh yes! MAGIC.)**

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. **(Oh… she's switched Filch and Mrs Norris around! What. An. Idiot.) **He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly. **(PERV! The image in my head right now… dear God, the real Filch would turn in his grave…)**

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris. **(…obviously not noticing that his cat vanished into thin air!)**

"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way. **(well, that's not going to get you noticed!)**

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. **(Excellent hearing, this one!) **Den he heard Filch meow. "Filthis der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. **(… how did he know there was a cloak there? HEY MOODY, THE CAT 'JANITOR' STOLE YOUR MAGICAL EYE! **_**WHAT? **_**THE CRAZY CAT DUDE STOLE YOUR MAGICAL EYE AND IS PERVING ON KIDS DOING NO-ONE-WANTS-TO-KNOW-WHAT UNDER A GOFFIK INVISIBILITY CLOAK! **_**WHAT? **_**… Must be old age.) **Filth nodded. **(Is this normal? Do cats normally nod in response to things humans say and is my cat just odd because he doesn't?) **And then… … … … … …**(they must be having a dot tea party!)** … … … . Vampir frenched me!** (Not the time!) **He did it jus as… … … … **(these dots are slightly annoying now!) **… … … … ..Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1 **(Again: How did he know there was a cloak, and how did he know where it was? It's INVISIBLE.)**

"WHAT DA-" **(Da? We don't live in Germany…) **he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school. **(Draco is so wet in this story.)(Not like that.)(That would be more than a little weird.) **

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?" **(what it does look like? Kill him and have done with it!)**

"I guess though." Draco weeped.** (Yep, you're just bloody dandy!) **We went back to our coffins frenching each other. **(what else is new?)**Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin) **(I've never heard of it, but I'm guessing it's another animated children's movie!)** on the gothic red bed together. **(do you have a bed or a coffin? There can't be enough room for both, seeing as how many girls there must be in Slytherin now sharing a dorm!)(Think about it, there's Enoby and Willow The Talking Tree, Hermione transferred to Slytherin, it's only a matter of time before Lavender and Parvati join them. And then Ginny will probably take the name of another drum, like her brother, and then Angelina, Alicia and Katie will for some reason have come back to Hogwarts after graduating and turned goffik, then Demelza Robins, and then Luna and Cho will tag along even though they're in Ravenclaw, and then Flitwick and Santa Clause and the guy from the Barclays' rollercoaster advert and the meerkat from the Compare the Market adverts and his ancestors and Alan Rickman and Rolf Harris and Take That and the really annoying Go Compare dude and Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black and Jenna Rose and Miley Cyrus and a Dementor AND THEN THE WORLD WILL IMPLODE.) **As I wuz about 2 put in the video my eyes rolled up **(see, that's not normal! Harry's eyes never rolled up when he had a 'vision'!) **and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now.** (And the award for Best Explanation In A Really Bad Situation Goes To Enoby Dark'ness Dementia – what? Really? Dementia? **_**Presenter walks off stage laughing to himself.)**_There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1 **(The mystery of magic walked into school? Wow… that's intense. Maybe she means the Ministry of Magic. In which case, I don't think the Ministry of Magic walked into school. Buildings don't have legs. Especially buildings that are accessible by phone boxes.)**


	22. Chapter 22

**AN: We're halfway through the story! Yay! The day before a boy in my I.T. class was telling us how he vomited out chorizo once... o.O**

**Thank you for all the reviews so far! 100 reviews by Chapter 23, please? Pretty please with a goffik rose on top? :)**

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><p>Chapter 22.<p>

AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris **(… what? That's the point! It's NOT Mr Norris! It's Mrs Norris! And she's a fucking cat!) **itz raven's folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1 **(Lovely. Such a charmer.)**

All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic**.** Well anyway, I woke up the next day. **(CONGRATULATIONS, ENOBY! –random person lets off party popper-) **I was in my coffin so I opened the door. **(Why were these coffins never mentioned in the actual Harry Potter books?) **I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. **(is it possible to have lacy leather? And what is wrong with you?) **Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where… … … **(drum roll!) **… … **(bored now!)**… . B;loody Mary, **(apparently semi-colons are cooler than apostrophes now.) **Vampire, **(stupid name) **Diabolo, **(A diabolo is a bloody juggling thingy! Not a name for anybody who doesn't wish to be teased to the point of suicide!) **Draco, **(Little D!) **Dracula **(THE REAL DRACULA? –squee-)**and Willow! **(Wow! How did you fit a tree in your room?)**

I opened my crimson eyes. **(How did you know they were all there if you've only just opened your eyes now?) **Willow was wearing** (NOOO!) **a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofyskirt **(Poofy is how I used to describe my hair. ENOBY, YOU STOLE MY WORD! YOU BITCH!) **wit lace on it **(what else?) **and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. **(her boots were attached to the top? The top of what? Her head? Aha, that would look so funny.) **Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. **(oh, guess what! I'm a sexy-voiced emo sexy gay man! And my friend is a sexy-dancing albino sexy gay man! In other words, we're Snape and Lucius from AVPM/AVPS! We are sexy gay men. Long live Sev-i-ruhs and Looh-cee-uhs!) **Draco was wearinga black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way,and almost as fucking sexy. **(great, you think a celebrity is sexier than your own boyfriend. Why don't you tell him that and make him cry again?) **Vampire looked like Joel Madden. **(NO, HE DIDN'T!) **B'loody Mary was wearinga tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage** (all of it…? –runs away screaming-) **with a white apronthat said 'bich' and other swear wordsand MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Jenny) **(who the fuck is Jenny? Oh, Ginny!) **was there too. She was weavinga ripped gothic black dresswith ripped stuff all over it** (no shit… it was a ripped dress, and it had ripped stuff all over it? How did you work that one out?) **and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. **(What? Crabbe and Goyle share the same father as Ron and Ginny? What the… OH. SHIT. SHE'S REPLACED FRED AND GEORGE WITH CRABBE AND GOYLE. SHE. WILL. PAY!) **He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. **(even though he can't, because he's a vampire…) **He had raped them and stuff before too. **(you say what now?) **They all got so depressed that they became goffik **(Oh my god, no? Really?) **and converted to Stanism. **(hey, it was 4****th**** May yesterday! May the 4****th**** be with you!)**

"OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?" **("Trick or treat!" they all shouted, before pouring a bucket of water on her and watching her melt. I wish!)**

"Enoby something is really fucked up." Draco said_**. **_**(Yeah, your face. –snickers- **_**Pwned.)**_

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily. **(Hey, you know those massive lawnmower things that people drive around when they're cutting huge areas of grass? I saw one today, and I want one! I would drive around chasing people and circling them as they had a picnic on the grass!)**

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. **("Haha, April Fool's!" Draco shouted. Unfortunately this didn't happen… Draco actually meant it.) **Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice. **(Yep. She's so beautiful, what with her bed head and her lacy leather pyjamas and her crimson eyes that look like they're bleeding…)**

"Oh all right." I said smiling. **(Whoa, whoa, whoa! Enoby smiled! –takes a picture and adds it to a book of 'Enoby's Firsts'-) **"But you have to tell me why your being all erective." **(… DRACO! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?)**

"I will I will." he said. **(You're actually going to tell her? What's wrong with you?)**

So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadowand white foundation. **(just? Why does she feel the need to put all this makeup on? She must look like a fucking clown.) **Then I came. We all went outside the Great Haland looked in from a widow. **(Why was there a widow standing there? And why were you just gawping right through her? Bit rude.) **A fucking prep called Britney **(Britney Spears?) **from Griffindoor was standing next to us.** (NO, BRITNEY! GET AWAY FROM THEM! RUN NOW, WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE!) **She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her.** (I think they all need to go back to primary school to learn how to be nice to each other. Maybe they have goffik building blocks to play with!) **Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork.** (is Dumbledork Dumbledore's other brother who wears glasses on the end of his nose and carries really heavy textbooks around?) **Cornelia Fudged **(I WANT SOME FUDGE!) **was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too. **(Doris Rumbridge? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Is she married to Rumbleroar? Oh my god… Doris Rumbridge…)**

"THIS CANNOT BE!" **(yep, nobody else knows why they let Enoby into Hogwarts either.) **she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"

"THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge. **(The Bark Lord is the Lord of Trees. He'll gather his army of trees and storm Hogwarts and turn everyone into tree fairies! WILLOW! YOU TRAITOROUS BITCH!)**

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. **(pssh, you can't roar like Rumbleroar.) **"YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! **(his Alzheimer's? Is she serious?) **YOU MUST RETRY **(Retry what? Being the headmaster? You just said he wasn't fit to be the headmaster anymore!) **OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!" **(Well, no need to be **_**so**_** melodramatic!)**

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt **(Butt butt butt, butt butt butt, BUTT TRUMPET!) **we cannot do this. **(you can't? Ah well, let's all go home then and watch Corrie!) **We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…**(don't tell me, it's B'loody Mary! Darkness! Not the tree, surely? ME?) **..Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." **(I NEVER saw that coming. Honestly.)**

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, **(traitor.) **Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other…I gasped. **(DUN DUN DUUUN! Yeah, it really wasn't a very exciting ending line. 'And then Voldemort burst into room and hit me with Avada Kedavra… I gasped' would have been much better.)**


	23. Chapter 23

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos **(OMG WHAT IS JELOS I WANT TO BE JELOS PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE LET ME BE JELOS!) **koz I gut 10000 reviowz! **(Oh, sweetie, I don't know how to break it to you. THEY WERE ALL FLAMES!) **1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox** (yes… those boox, they really are something… those infamous boox…) **gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha! **(because that's not preppy at all!)**

The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum **(Haha, he sounds like a Telly Tubby! God, that programme used to scare me. You know when the lion and the bear came on? Yeah, I was terrified of them.) **and Rumbridge sawed us. **(WOOT, SOMEONE WITH SENSE! Oh, come on, Enoby can pretty much do whatever she likes around Hogwarts! Why can't Rumbridge massacre all the students with a saw?)**

"MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!" Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her. **(I love how Rumbridge actually says 'Beep!' Or maybe she doesn't, and there's a guy standing behind her with a sound buzzer thing, and everytime she swears he presses it and it makes a beeping sound to block out the swear word. Like on the IT Crowd.)**

"Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her**. **She means hi everybody cum in!" **(…)**

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darknessand Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. **(OK? Didn't really care.) **Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. **(… who? Well, whoever Ville Vollo is, I feel so sorry for them being mentioned in this story.) **I eight some Count Chocula** (Why can I never find any of this cereal in the supermarket? I see it on TV and in stories everywhere, but it's never on the shelves! Is it only produced in America or something! I vant to suck your chocolately milky blood! … ) **and drank som blood from a cup. **(I still can't believe that nobody finds this strange. At all.) **Then I herd someone shooting angrily. **(NO, AMERICA, BIN LADEN IS NOT HERE! YOU KILLED HIM ALREADY! PUT DOWN THE BLOODY GUNS FOR ONCE!) **I looked behind me it was…Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother. **(… WHY?)**

"Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked. **(And I was like dude, what the fuck? And they put us in test tubes and I was like dude, what the fuck?)**

"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1" **(Calm down, ladies, calm down! You can BOTH shit on Enoby! In fact, you can ALL shit on Enoby! For free! Form an orderely queue, now!)**

"No I do!" shouted. **(who? Who shouted that? WHO SAID THAT! Oh, Harry, fuck! What were you doing under the invisibility cloak, I nearly had a heart attack!)**

"No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco. No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!" shouted Vampire. And then… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) **(How are we the pervs? You were the one who wrote the sentence and all the sex scenes so far! A two-year-old could write better sex scenes than that! Actually, no… no… that's wrong…) **They started to fight and beat up each other. **(YEAH, CATFIGHT! GET YA CLAWS OUT!)**

Dumbldore **(just decide on a bloody name!) **yelled at them but they didn't stop. All of a sudden… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe. **(AAAH, IT'S OSAMA BIN LADEN! EVERYBODY RUN! HE WILL USE YOUR CHILDREN AS HUMAN HELMETS!) **All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. **(No, really? I thought that when someone smashed through a window it magically repaired itself!)(Wait, this is Hogwarts. That was a stupid thing to say. Haha… that's embarrassing…) **Britney that fucking prep started to cry.** (well, duh! I think I might cry if Bin Laden burst through my window on a broomstick and his nose had been chopped off!) **Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating**. (you were eating the whole time? What is wrong with you?) **Everyone gasped**.** Da room fell silent… … … … … … … . Volzemort! **(FUCK OSAMA BIN LADEN. VOLZEMORT IS EPIC.)**

"Eboby…..Ebony…." Darth Valer** (oh, no, 4****th**** May was yonks ago! Darth Valer must have dementia. Like Enoby. Silly girl.) **sed evilly in his raspy voice**.** **(and by raspy, of course you mean his sexy, flirty, corrupting, screaming, roaring, girly, manly voice.) **"Thou havfe failed ur mission. **(what was the mission again?) **Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him **(does not? Hang on, is this Dobby?) **before then I shall kill Draco too!" **(I read a really weird crack story about Neville/Dobby yesterday… it was funny, except for the fact it scarred me for life and will probably come back to haunt me when I'm in danger and don't want it in my mind, eg. When I start choking to death on marshmallows.)**

"Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged.

"No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling.** (… I would kill him.)**

I bust into tears.Draco and Vampire came to contort me. **(Contort you into what? A tree so dogs can piss on you and mark their territory?)** Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. **(… HOW do you know that? HOW?) **I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed **ecstatic! **way. **(Yes, Enoby, that's called déjà vu. I'm sure Voldemort's tried to kill Draco at least twenty-six times before, and who knows how often Draco slits his wrists and somehow comes back to life after committing suicide? And it really isn't all that surprising that lightning flashes. Remember Hogwarts' magical weather system, with the snow and the rain?)**

"No!" I screamed sexily.** (Enoby, tonight you will wake up in your coffin in the middle of the night, and you will open you coffin and I will be standing over you with a knife and a bucket of meat juice. Pass this on to Draco and Vampire!) **Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision. **(you mean the déjà vu.)**

"Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice.

"Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up**. (yep… no one feels sorry for you…)**

"Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive.

"No its not!" I shouted angrily. **(Attention seeker!) **Tearz of blood went down my face.** (HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU, YOU'VE GOT TO SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT THAT!) **"OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!" **(No, Enoby, it's déjà vu! Not possession! Gods sake!) **

"Its ok gurl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinisterabout what the visions mean though." **(er, who? Professor Sinister sounds… even more cheerful than the Easter Bunny at the end of his shift!)**

"Ok bich." I said sadly and den we went. **(do they actually stand for her calling them 'bitch' all the time?)**


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24. **Hushabye Mountain. (I felt this chapter deserved a title.)**

AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous **(is Jelous, Jelos' brother?) **so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11raven fagz 4 di help! **(hey, it's Friday 13****th**** today! I bet this is Enoby's favourite day of the year!)**

Well we had Deviation next **(you're having a lesson about the difference between the value of an observation and the mean of the population in mathematics and statistics?) **so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry about the visions**. (what happened to Professor Sinister? I wanted to read about her!)**

"Konnichiwa everybody come in." **(STOP. SPEAKING. JAPANESE! My brother went through a phase of saying Konnichiwa ALL the time. At least it was better than 'I like pie'…) **said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese. **(yep, we got that it was Japanese! In this story they speak nothing but Japanese, the odd bit of French and retarded English! And it's back to Professor Sinister now? Well, she is a Deviation teacher, she can probably do anything.) **She smelled at me **(erm, what? Is she a dog?) **with her gothic black lipstick**.** She's da coolest fucking teacher ever**.** She had long dead black hair **(her hair was dead? Oh, sorry, of course it was. She's 'goffik'.) **with blood red tips and red eyes. hr mom woz a vampire. She's also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing.she n b'loody mry get along grate) **(anything unlucky happen to anyone today? I slipped over on the way home from school, whacked my knee against the table and hurt my leg when I was running. And that was probably one of the best Friday 13ths I've ever had.) **She's really young for a teacher. 2day she was wearinga black leather top with red laceand a long goffik black ripped dress.** (CALL THE POLICE.) **We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong. **(what the fuck? Agh!) **I raced my hand.** (which proves you have no friends, because I've no idea what that means and can only assume you're racing your own hand. In the Deviation classroom. Oh God, I've got the most hilarious image in my head right now of Enoby running round the classroom racing her hand while Professor Sinister the Dog chases after her, lolloping like a massive dog.) **I was wearing some black naie **(Naie. I think this may be the most totally awesome word Enoby has invented!)(I just wrote it on the palm of my hand.) **Polish **(you were wearing a Polish person? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?) **with red pentagrams on it. **(what is it with pentagrams?)**

"What is it Ebony?" she asked. "Hey I love ur nail polish where'd u get it, Hot Topik?" **(Oh nononononono. She didn't just ask that.)**

"Yeah." I answered. All the preps who didn't know what HT was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger.** (Do you have any middle fingers left?) **"Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?" **(What kind of idiot asks a teacher when they want to do it?)**

"Ho **(yes you are.) **about now?" she asked. OK." I said.

"OK class fucking dismissed every1." **(I can just imagine my maths teacher saying that. 'Class fucking dismissed, everyone! And remember to do all that shit on page whatever! Callum, you bastard, get back here so I can give you detention! Have a fucking great weekend!') **Proffesor Trevolry **(Stop changing her name!) **said and she let every1 go. "Except for you Britney." she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. **(all the preps are called Britney?) **"Please do exorcize (geddit)** (yeah! But it's only funny for PEOPLE WITH PROBLEMS. Seriously, who the hell laughs at exorcisms…? OK, me…) **1 on page 3."

"OK I'm having lotz of visions." I said in a worried voice. I'm so worried is Draco gong 2 die. **(LOL Moment of the Day! I was walking home from school this afternoon, and I went past this old lady's house. The old lady – and she was very old, she had to be in her nineties – was out in her garden talking to her neighbour over the fence. So as I'm walking past, the neighbour says goodbye – I don't know what their conversation was about – and goes back into her house, and the old lady smiles and waves, all very friendly and nice and delicate-old-lady-like. But as she was turning away, I heard her go, "Bloody bitch." I have never laughed so much at something a pensioner has said.)**

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. **(how are you supposed to see anything inside that? It's BLACK!) **I looked at it. **(and said, "... **_**Dude. **_**What are you **_**on? **_**You seriously expect me to see the future and shit in this bowling ball?")**

"What do you c?" she asked. **(Your ugly mug reflected in the glass. AHH, I'M MELTING!)**

"I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram." **(Well, nobody saw THAT coming!)**

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. **(I love how she uses the word 'suddenly' for the least dramatic sentences in the world. 'And SUDDENLY… **_**Voldemort crashed through the window on his broom? A tornado ripped through the castle? Darren Criss tumbled out of the Floo and tackled Professor Sinister to the ground? **_**… there was a knock at the door. **_**Oh.) **_I looked at it. It was Draco.** (the door was Draco?) **He was looking really sexy wearinga black leather facet**, **a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirtand blak Congress shoes.

"Okay you can go now, see ya cunt said Proffesor. **(what kind of teachers are they employing at Hogwarts now?) **

"Bye bitch." I said waving. **(And what kind of students are they letting into the school? Oh… no, sorry, we've already established that most of the students are either high, been Obliviated and given a whole life story, or Hufflepuffs.) **I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited. **(you're telling us, love!)**


	25. Chapter 25

**AN: I can't believe we're so far in already... let's celebrate with a disclaimer, because I feel like it! Thanks to everyone who's reviewed, please keep reviewing! :)**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't be here right now. If I owned My Immortal, I would arrange for myself to be shot.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 25.<p>

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin2 bet u up!1111n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1 **(Right, I'm going to do an AN just like Tara. You ready? STUP FLASSING IRELAND!11 U FUKIN SUK!111 WE GVAE U 12 POINTS AT DA YEUROBISION N U ONLI GEVE UZ 6!11111 u fukin preps! Fjuck u suk an im setin Justin Beeburp on u all!1111 an il set the mooldoovi unicicle fair on u so der!1 In case you couldn't tell, that last sentence was me threatening Ireland with the Moldavian fairy on the unicycle. I love you really, Ireland and Jedward. I have no idea how Azerbaijan won, they were nowhere near crazy or scary enough.)**

I was so excited.** (really, are you going to the fair?) **I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again.** (I thought you were with Vampire as well? Don't say Vampire's going to watch you…) **We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car. **(Again, I can't help but get the image of them walking straight into the side of Draco's car.)**

"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." **(Professor Sinister.) **whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine. **(I've got 'Do It Like A Dude' on replay. I love this song so much, I think I'm obsessed. **_**Dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty sucker, you think I can't get hurt like you, you motherfucker!)**_

"She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." I grumbled in a sexy voice.** (how do you grumble in a sexy voice? We should enter Enoby in a talent show. She can do so many things NO ONE ELSE can do. Do you reckon if Tara tries to say things in a sexy voice in real life, she ends up sounding 'special'?) **He took out a heroin cabaret **(yooooou haaaave a proooooblem!) **and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork.** (SPORK!) **He started to fly the car into a tree.** (does Draco have a death wish?) **We went to the top of it**. (Spidermonkey, spidermonkey…) **Draco put on some MCR.

"And all the things that you never ever told me And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." **(Do you think, when the Moldavians were planning their song for Eurovision, they were just like, 'And then you're gonna come in on a unicycle… and you're gonna wear this wizard's hat… no, no, we'll all wear wizard's hats and look like elves on crack!' I wanted them to win. Moldova were robbed.) **sang Gerard's sexy voice.** (do they listen to anything else? Ever? Oh yeah, Enoby had a dancing competition to ABBA once…) **We started tiling of each other's cloves fevently. **(Oh, no, please. I'm too young!) **He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar.** (Why were you wearing a bar? AHH, THAT'S MY BAR! GIVE IT BACK!) **I took of his black boxers**.** **(I'm picturing Draco Malfoy in black boxers. … It doesn't work, I prefer bright green.) **Then… … … … … **(dots!) **… … … …he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. **(does she mean his trotting horse into her wheelbarrow? … Horses can be sexy?)**

"OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism.** ('And she's gonna scream out this is great! –whiny voice- Oh my god, this is great.' I love that song. There are dancing monkeys.) **We stated frenching passively. Suddenly… … … … I fell asleep. **(how the bloody hell do you fall asleep while you're having sex?) **I started having a it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair. **(WOOP! GO RANDOM BLACK GUY IN ENOBY'S VISION!)**

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" they pleaded **(you 'goffik' people are a bit of a whiny bore if you ask me. Run away, idiots! Don't just ask him to stop shooting you! That's not how it works!) **but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car**. (he ran in a car! I love this random black guy!)**

"No! Oh my fucking god!11" I shouted in a scared voice. **(GET. A. FJUCKING. GRIP.)**

"Ebony what's wrong?" **(oh, nothing, she just saw two of her **_**own kind **_**get shot.) **Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes. **(Enoby has ever-changing colour eyes… I mean they were blue at first, then crimson for a bit, then blue again…)**

I started to cry and tears **(of blood.) **of blood **(predictable.) **went down my face**. **I told Draco to call did it with his blak Likin Park ** (Butt butt butt, butt butt butt, BUTT TRUMPET! Yes, I am going to do that every time.) **the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where… … … … … … … … …Lucian and Serious!111 **(Hey, Luscious Mouthful! **_**I told you not to call me that! **_**You were the one who wanted to choreograph an affair behind Narcissa's back after she got off with Dobby. **_**You're annoying! Avada Kedavra! **_**… That was Enoby you just killed. **_**Oh yeah, bitch.)**_


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26.

AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 **(Right. Maybe it's just me, but doesn't – doesn't anybody else wonder why Tara HASN'T GOTTEN THE POINT YET?) **oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11 **(ooh, what was she being racist about? The black guy shooting Luscious Mouthful and Sirius? He was EPIC!)**

A few mutates later Vampire came 2 da tree. **(and it was love at first sight!) **He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants **(I find this funny, it gives me an image of Harry wearing nothing but leather boxers. Sexy! xD) **and a Good Chralotte t-shirt.

"Hi Vampire." I said flirtily as I started to sob. **(-adds to list of Extraordinary Things Enoby Can Do That No Other Human Can Or Wishes To Do-) **Draco hugged me sexily **(Ooh, Draco has talent too!) **tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood **(No, tears of goblin piss!) **and then told them what happened.

"Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. "What fucking dick did that!" **(I'll tell you what fucking dick did that! Dannii Minogue did that! Dannii had the final vote and sent Jedward off the XFactor! I know, it's awful. But you're a little late, it was a year and a half ago.)**

"I don't know." I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor." **(Huh, I thought you hated Dumbledore since he became **_**one of you. **_**Which doesn't really make sense.)**

We ran out of the tree **(I've still no idea why you were there in the first place, but each to their own.) **and in2 da castle. **(FJUCK! I'VE FIGURED OUT THE PLOTLINE! Willow was disguising as her tree-spy-self, and she was the tree Enoby and Draco were in, and now she knows everything! WILLOW, YOU TRAITOROUS BITCH! I'VE CALLED YOU IT ONCE AND I'LL CALL YOU IT AGAIN!) **Dumblydor was sitting in his office.

"Sire are dads have been shot!" **(Wait wait wait. Sirius is Harry's dad now? This is… news to me!) **Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. **(Ooh, skills, you can whip the tears off!) **"Enoby had a vision in a dreem." **(Yeah, whatever one of those is.)**

Dubleodre started to cockle. **(… I think I just died and went to cockle heaven.) **"Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?" **(Oh, thank God you can't split Enoby up into army divisions.)**

I glared at Dumbledore. **(And puked up goblin piss all down his beard.) **

"Look motherfucker." **(Lovely way to address your headmaster!) **he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter). **(I'm guessing she means: See, is the tooter out of crack? Tooter being an old man like Dumbledore, or one of those 'choo-choo!' things on trains.) **"U know very well that I'm not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!" **(Is anybody else enough of an idiot to accidentally step on someone's foot and say 'Go away!' when they tell you to mind where you're going? Or is that just me who says something like that instead of apologising? He did laugh and go away though… except he must be starting to think I've got a grudge against him for some reason, because I accidentally said it again today. I don't mean to, it just slips out when I can't think of any witty comebacks… which is like, always… My comebacks seem to consist of three options: saying 'go away' and not meaning it, laughing really awkwardly because I don't know how to reply, or quoting something obscure. Like 'When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand chocolate!'.)**

"Okay." he said in a intimated voice. "Were are they?" **(What the hell? –facepalm- They're missing! The whole point is that you don't know where they are! Imagine if that happened on an actual investigation. "So, Detective, a little girl has gone missing from her home." "Oh dear, where is she?" "…We don't know, we just said she was missing." "Ah! I see. Right, well, first thing's first: where is she?" "No, that's what we're asking you and your team to find out…" "Is it? Well, that's stupid. How are we supposed to find her if we don't know where she is?" "…")**

I fought about it. **(Aww, she fought about it. With the voices in her head. –cough- Crazy! –cough- My imaginary walrus thinks the voices in her head are silly.) **Then all of a sudden….. "Longdon." I said. **(You know, London was an alright place till you mentioned it. Thanks a lot, Enoby!) **I told him which street. **(I bet it's Stupid Street. I bet it is.) **He went and called some people and did some stuff. **(called some people and did some stuff? What, like called Amazon to cancel his order of Sex and the City because people were starting to get suspicious of his sexuality, and then baked a batch of fairy cakes with hundreds and thousands on top?) **After a few mistunes **(a few WHAT? Was he trying and failing to tune his guitar or something?) **he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. **(well, that was probably the easiest case the authorities have ever had to deal with!) **Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. **(Of course he did.) **We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. **(SHOCK. FJUCKING. HORROR! Really, who saw that coming?) **Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1 **(I BET SHE TURNS OUT TO BE A SUPER EVIL NINJA DALEK WHO WAS INTERVIEWING PEOPLE ON STUPID STREET IN DISGUISE AS A SUPER EVIL NINJA DALEK PANDA. I bet she is.)**


	27. Chapter 27

**AN: I'M SO PISSED OFF. All P.E. teachers are sadists. They are. It's been chucking it down since lunchtime, and it's freezing outside, and our PE teacher made us stay out for TWO hours, doing the 800m running track. I only had a T-shirt and my skirt! Oh, God, it was awful... half of our group looked like they were going to puke when they finished the 800m. I couldn't feel my fingers, I was soaked to the skin, I felt like I couldn't move my legs. GAH! Not one of the best experiences of my life. Oh, and I looked like a DROWNED RAT. Only good thing is that I got one of the quickest times in the class... but I swear I'm going to wake up with a bad cold tomorrow. Ugh.**

**Anyway, you don't need to hear me moan on about that! On with the story! Please review :D**

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><p>Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u <strong>(-swallows Hufflepuff blood and wipes mouth- Nope, we wouldn't hurt a fly!)<strong>

AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 **(Obviously not, since you're still posting chapters, but if you don't care why do you keep throwing a tantrum at the start of EVERY chapter? You seem to be in a very messed up place at the moment, Tara. Do you want delicious – Red Vines?) **so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 **(Don't call me a bitch, bitch! –bitchslap-) **fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport **(yeah, Raven, thanks for the sports highlights!) **n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital **(Huh! Isn't the second time she's had to go to hospital for slitting her wrists? Why doesn't she just NOT slit them?) **rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111 **(I seriously doubt that gurl!11111111111111111)**

Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. **(You just keep telling yourself that.) **Drako, **(back to Drako now, I see…) **Lucian, Serious bond Vampire all came to hug me. **(GROUP HUUUUUUG!) **The nurse started to give them medicine. **(DON'T TAKE IT! SHE'S A DEATH DEALER IN DISGUISE!) **

"Cum on Enoby." said Proffesor Sinatra. **(o.O) **She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. **(Can you imagine those boots on an M&S advert? "These aren't just any black platinum boots. These are FUCKING black platinum boots! FUCK, THEY'RE SO FUCKING BLACK! YOU'VE GOT TO GET THESE FUCKING BOOTS! I SO FUCKING WANT THESE! Cor, fuck… and now the black pudding!") **"I have to tell you the fucking perdition." **(perdition? She has to tell you the fucking loss of a soul? Ah, your soul was lost a looooong time ago, Enoby.)**

I locked at Lucian, Serifs, **(-headdesk-) **Drake **(DRAKE AND JOSH!) **and Vampire. They nodded. **(I'm putting off my French homework to write this, by the way. So BE GRATEFUL! Actually, don't bother, I'm only writing this to procrastinate.)**

I smelled happily **(you and Professor Sinister can be dogs together!) **and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. **(and said, "Strip Poker, anyone?" at which point Satan ran screaming from the room and Rolf Harris took up her offer.) **She started to look into a black crucible ball. She said… "Tara, I see drak times are near." **(Drak times? WOO, DRAKO TIMES ARE HEEEEEEERE! PARTY TIMEEEEE!) **She said badly. **(she said badly? Is she an actress as well as a dog now?) **She peered into da balls. **(Bit rude, I think you should've asked to peer into the balls first! –****giggle****-)**"You see, you must go back in time." She took out a Time-Toner like B'loody Mary had. **(What's a Time-Toner? Does it tone your body over time?) **"When Voldemint **(VOLDEMORT: Now comes in mint flavour.) **was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. **(I'm sure he could have got his hearth fixed by an fixer-type person, or something.) **Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" **(YES.) **I shook my head. **(obviously not.) **"U must go back in time and sedouce him. **(-spits out coconut milk- WHAT? –spits out coconut milk again- WHY AM I DRINKING MILK? I HATE MILK!) **It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. **(Yes. Yes, I like that plan. But I have a feeling she'll feel bad for him, or something, and let him off the hook. You just can't tell with Enoby. She's like a horse.)(Scratch that, I think she is a horse.) **You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it." **(Ew! Mind out the gutter…)**

"Okay." I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin. **(you say what now?) **I went outside again sadly. **(Uh huh, WE GET THAT YOU'RE SAD.)**

"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire. **(Wouldn't you like to fjucking know?)**

"Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary? **(Haha, Hermione's bold! …)**

I was about to tell them butt **(Butt butt butt, butt butt butt, BUTT TRUMPET!) **every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond. Everyone was proud of me butt **(butt butt butt, butt butt butt, BUTT TRUMPET! This is becoming like, our thing, now…) **I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing my name **(You lucky thing! I want my name carved onto a piece of cheese!) **and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. **(Haha, everyone was so proud of you and even carved your name on the cheese, but none of the reporters wanted to talk to you.) **A banner was put up. **(Did it say 'EMO SATANIST BITCH FOR PRESIDENT?' Not quite as catchy as 'POTTER FOR PRESIDENT'…) **Lotz of fucking prepz were there **(RUUUUUN!) **oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. **(Dear, if they have HIM on their hands, I'm sure they've heard of HIM ****–facepalm- Who's HIM anyway?) **Even Mr. Noris looked happy. **(I can never tell when my cat is happy or sad. He purrs all the time. And runs away from us all the time.) **A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke **(Goyke. What a name to burden your kid with.) **set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises. **(Whose Wesley? He sounds like a dog. We'll be able to set up a dog breeding business soon with all these dogs running around.)**

I put on my Invisibility coke **(again with the Invisibility Coke! I want some. Do you think it tastes any different?) **with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether. **(Ah, ah, ah, come back in! We KNOW you're off to play Strip Poker with Rolf and Professor Sinister!) **


	28. Chapter 28

**AN: Hello! It's been far too long! I'm really tired today, so I'm sorry if this isn't very funny... but thank you for all your reviews so far! x**

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><p>Chapter 28<p>

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory **(and who is this?) **sed dat ok!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! **(I bet you wouldn't be saying that if you knew what I'd got you for your birthday. **_**Ooh, what is it? **_**A Barbie Rapunzel doll!) **fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111 **(yes, Raven, have fun with your kiwi! That's it… just stay there… pouring your kiwi some tea… -runs off to ring the madhouse- You know what, I can't spell kiwi first time round. It always ends up as 'kiwiw'.)(Haha, kiwi looks a bit like my name…!)**

We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak **(no shit.) **with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason **(Marilyn Manson scares me.) **all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. **(The Doctor's blue box turned goffik.) **There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. **(o.O I'd be freaked out by that! I mean, come on! … Oh, no, Enoby, you didn't kill those poor Hufflepuffs and eat their meat, did you? And I'm not on about the ham sandwich with the crusts cut off I found you with last week.) **I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings **(I've decided I don't even want to know what those are.) **and a blak leather thong underneath. **(…I didn't want to know about your thong!) **

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. **(how do you sit dispersedly? Did you sit down and all your body parts fell off and dispersed everywhere?) **So did Drako and Vampire. **(Fjuck, the garlic bread just set the smoke alarm off! I fell off my chair, I was so surprised. My arse hurts like hell now…)**

"Are you okay?" Vampir asked potting his albastard hand on mine. **(his albastard hand? Imagine, you go up to Vampire, hold his hand, glare at it, and scream, "YOU BASTARD!") **He was wearing black nail polish. **(GAY! And not cool with it. Kurt is cool. Blaine is cool –and hot- Vampire is… not.) **I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it.** (Ugh, I'm so not with it today. I was making myself a coffee earlier, and I put the milk in the mug first, the boiling water next and the actual coffee in last -.- I. NEED. THE. HOLIDAYS. TO. COME. I can't survive one more day of school. I can't.)**

"Yah I guess." I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. **(Awww! –vomits-) **I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. "The problem is….I have to seduce Volxemort. **(I still think this is like the most stupid plan ever. As a dear old lady once said: 'Machine gun 'em. Shoot them all!') **Ill have 2 go bak in time" **(BACK TO THE FUTURE!)**

Draco started to cry sadly. **(FJUCK! We get that your world is full of incredibly sad blue bunnies! No need to go on about it!) **Vampire hugged him. **(And cue Enoby screaming in jealousy.)**

"Itz okay Eboby." he said finally. "But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?" **(haha, Drako, you're so naïve! Of course she's gonna break up with you. This is Enoby we're dealing with.)**

"Of coarse not!" I gasped. **('No, I'm just gonna go and seduce Voldemort, the most evil baddie in the history of baddies, and he'll probably fall in love with me the moment he sees me and we'll probably do **_**it **_**about fifty times in coffins and up trees and I'll be years and years in the past. But we can make this relationship work through all that, can't we?')**

"Really?" he asked.

"Sure." I said. **(whaaaaat idiots.)**

We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly. **(PERV. O.O)**

Then… I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. **(What? What the fuck did I just read?) **He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. Black roses were around it. **(you know tattoos are permanent, right, Drako? … OK. Just making sure you knew.) **I gasped. **(When don't you?) **He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. **(I think you really need to get over your Gerard Way obsession. It's not good to keep thinking of Gerard when you see your boyfriend naked.) **Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4). **(… WHY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?)**

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif. **(… I'm just gonna pretend I know what she just said.) **

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. **(wait, they're just randomly deciding to have sex in this room? Is this a sex room? Eww... –shudders-) **He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it. **(…. HAHAHAHA! OH MY GOD… **_**I'M PISSING! **_**That was the funniest shit I've read all day!)**

"I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u." he screamed as we got an orgasm. **(I'm watching Forrest Gump at the weekend! I've never seen it before! 'Mama said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.' 'RUN, FORREST, RUN!' Yeah, that's like, the only bits I've heard of.) **We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. **(again, that's a little messed up.) **Suddenly…. **(MARTIANS INVADED. O.O)**

"WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!"

It was….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111 **(…whom I now love even more for swearing!)**


	29. Chapter 29

**AN: Hiya! Aah, I'm knackered. 3 hours of dancing, acting and singing first thing in the morning takes it out of you. I watched Forrest Gump last night! God, I CRIED. :'( Oh, Bubba and his shrimp. Made me laugh. When I think of Tom Hanks, I always think of him as an astronaut, and my dad always thinks of Saving Private Ryan. Strange to think Forrest Gump made him famous, or it is for me. :P**

**AND DOCTOR WHO LAST NIGHT. O.O Does anyone here watch it except me? _Spoilers from here :D _Amy went into labour, and then the Doctor exploded her, and I was just like o.O 'WHAAAAT?'**

**ANYHOO! Ignore me, nattering on about stuff and whatnot! Enjoy, and please review!**

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><p>Chapter 29. <strong>Truly Scrumptious (I think I will start giving all these chapters names, if they don't have one.)<strong>

AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz **(haha, yeah! That's what it is…) **koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111 **(Dobby is thinking you has a problem, miss.)(Hey, Dobby! Yeah, we is thinking she has a problem too.)**

"Oh my satan!1" we screamed **(Oh my Satan? Well, to each their own, I suppose…) **as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle **(I'm just reminded of the Goonies when I read this, for some reason. I love the chubby kid, he's so funny.) **started to shoot at us angrily. **(I bet the teachers at my school wish they could do that.)**

"CUM NOW!1!" Preacher McGongel yielded. **(Hell, Minnie is the coolest professor ever! She just changed into a preacher abd a gong at the same time! Now isn't that the weirdest mental image ever?) **We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket. **(It's funny because I thought it said 'camel'. We watched a video about a camel in Geography on Friday! It was called Muffeed and it was probably the dopest but cutest thing I've ever seen!)(Dopest? I meant dopiest. Haha, dopest: it's a camel on drugs.)**

"Hey what the fuck!111" Vampire shooted angrily. **(Gosh, everybody's angry today! They're shooting all over the shop!)**

"Yeah buster **(-giggles- who says 'Yeah buster'?) **what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?" **(Take pictures, Einstein!) **Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. **(Oh, dear, now is not the time to jump on each other and do unmentionable things that'll probably be mentioned in a chapter or two…) **"Look, Dumblehor **(Dumblehor sounds like Dumble whore. Albus! I told you Grindelwald would be a bad influence!) **noes your little secret **(what secret was this again? I've forgotten. Let's just pretend that the secret was that Snape still has all his My Little Pony toys, and he brushes their manes and everything.) **and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango's. **(yeah, you fucking fruit! … What a great insult.) **So give back da camera!1111" **(I've just tried talking exactly how this is written. I iz pretty gangsta now!) **

Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic **(what the fjuck is mogic?) **thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly. **(right, what loon had the bright idea to make concealer SPARKLY? My friend said that my face was glittering today and I was just like o.O Until I looked in a mirror and realized it was my concealer. I mean, really? It's not like that when I put it on in the morning! Does it gain sparkle throughout the day or something like a bloody fairy? I've got Edward Cullen on my face!)**

"Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!" yelled Proffesor McGoggle. **(Hahahaha.) **She made us cum into a weird room **(And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart…) **with white stones all around it. **(Was there a need to mention these stones? Do they symbolise anything?) **There were all these werid tools in it. **(as a wise old man probably once said, now is the time to start shitting yourselves panicking.) **Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive **(sexy and sexitive? Draco's so sexy, he's got two sexy adjectives!) **(geddit koz hes a sexbom lol **(yeah, funniest thing I've heard all day!) **tom felnot rulez 4 lif **(I'll drink to that! … Actually, I won't, I haven't got a drink. Ah, damn.) **but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz **(I always find this funny. Sex on legs? Do I even want to know what that might look like in a literal term?) **I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111). **(He'd have to be extremely high to even go on a second date with you…)**

I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1). **(it happened in what? Vampire Chronicles, do you mean? Is that the one with the French dude? Yeah, I don't know what's she on about. Tears of blood are still fjucked up.) **Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes. **(A honkerchief! I WANT ONE! Ha, you probably blow your nose and the noise comes out as this massive horn blowing xD)(I didn't realise how very dodgy that sounded until I typed it…)**

And then….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. **(Oh, THERE'S the magic that's been missing all through the story!) **They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand. **(oo-er, did you now? -****wags eyebrows suggestively****- I told one of my mates that I'd broken my broomstick today and asked her if I could have one of her rice balls. She choked on her broccoli.)**

"Crosio!" I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram **(I'm reminded of Scrappy Doo when I read this. No idea why…) **he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. **(You ran out of ballets? Damn, no! The Nutcracker! Haha, I danced in that when I was like, 6.) **I STOPPED DA CURSE. **(WOW. WELL DONE, ENOBY… WHAT CURSE?) **Profesor McGoogle **(GOOGLE!) **did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. **(Ooh, gardening!) **Den she said "OK Serverus I'm going 2 go now." **(bye!) **She left. Snap **(The Rice Krispies Lone Ranger is back again!) **started to laugh evilly. **(MUHAHAHAHA! That's da ninja way.) **Vampire started to cry. **(Idiot.)**

"It's ok Enoby." **(Haha, NOT!) **said Draco. "Evergreen will be all right. **(who is Evergreen? Your cat? Oh yes, Evergreen will be fine. She's probably made a break for freedom already.) **Remember the cideo u took of Snake." **(What I find disturbing is that these aren't just funny videos of Snape embarrassing himself that you could send in to 'You've Been Framed!', like hitting himself with a plank of wood, but they're videos of our dear Potions professor getting it on with various werewolves and snakes and whatnot…)**

Snape laughed again. **(Yay, it's fun, this laughing lark! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA!) **And then...he took out some whips!1!1111 **(I really don't want to read the next chapter. I really, really don't…)**


	30. Chapter 30

**AN: Morning, all! It's 11am where I am! Much too early for the holidays and I have a crappy headache, but here I am posting this new chapter! No, I literally rolled out of bed this morning and onto the computer. o.O**

**Thanks for all your reviews, so far! Please keep reviewing, and PLEASE don't add this to alerts/favourites with leaving a review. It only takes 10 seconds to write a few words :)**

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><p>Chapter 30. <strong>Super-cali-fragilistic-expi-ali-docious. (<strong>_**Even though the sound of it something quite atrocious, if you say it loud enough you'll always sound precocious, super-cali-fragilistic-expi-ali-docious!)**_**(Aha. Sorry. Mary Poppins moment. I had to spell it with dashes otherwise it wouldn't show up on Doc Manager. -.-)**

AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 **(Oh, I think we can all guess… -cough- more screwing, more wrist-slitting, more minty Voldemort, more depression –cough- Yep, got it all figured out!) **so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 **(rather not, dear, but thanks for the offer. I'm sure 'Justin' will take you up on that offer.)(I just read that over and thought I'd typed 'Jesus'. No, I don't think Jesus will kiss your arse.) **soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous **(dongerous. Tehe.)(My ding ding dong! My tra la la! …) **but datz da mysteries opinin **(how can a mystery have an opinion? It kind of defeats the whole point of a mystery. 'Oh, look, I'm so mysterious and aloof…. –whispers- **_**but I support the Conservatives!) **_koz sosiety basically sux. **(… OK.) **fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111 **(yeah, you go girl! I mean bitch!)**

"No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. **(you can make loaves of bread meanly? Oh, yes, of course you can! Evil Baker: Muhahahaha! I'm going to make this bread mixture and then BURN it in this oven. YES, YES, BUUUUURN! Muhahaha… and then I'm going to SLICE YOU UP INTO LOTS OF SEPARATE PIECES! SLICE YOU UUUUUP! MUHAHAHAHA!) **He took out a kamera anvilly. **(WATCH OUT, FALLING ANVIL! **_**SPLAT! **_**Huh, that was Enoby's head. Carry on.) **Then… he came tords Darko!1! **(This might have been scarier if I knew who Darko was.) **He took sum stones out of his poket. **(Aww, he collects pwetty wittle stones!) **He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle. **(Bleh, I hate nits. Maybe the candle will kill them.)**

"What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. **(Yeah, my sentiments exactly!) **Snoop laughed meanly. **(Snoop Dogg.) **He polled down his pants. **(GAHHHHH.) **I gasped- there was a Dork Mark **(-snorts- a Dork Mark. My brother should have one of those to prove himself when he goes to chess club.) **on his you-know-wut!11! **(-spits out Hufflepuff blood- WHAT? God… forget murdering innocent Muggles and Muggle-borns and making people's lives hell, Voldemint has reached a whole new level of evil!)**

He waved his wand and a nife came. **(I love how he's using his wand to summon a Muggle weapon.) **He gave da knife 2 me. **(Idiot, she probably doesn't even know what it is. I bet she'll try and use it as a phone and end up slicing her ear off.)**

"U must stab Vrompire." he said to me. **(Phwoar, Vampire! What you doing, romping around, eh? Eh?) **"If u don't then I'll rap Draco!1" **(Actually, no, that was Rupert who did the rap, not Tom. But close enough.)**

"No you fucking bastrad!1" I yielded. **(Don't throw such a hissy fit! He's Snoop Dogg, he's only teaching Draco to rap!)**

But den Draco looked at me sadly **(here we go.) **with his evil **(So… so now he's evil? This whole story has been a lie? What the fjuck? I'M. SO. CONFUSED.) **goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and **(sexy.) **sexy. **(uh-huh.) **He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) **(er, NO?) **between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. **(You know what, if you love Gerard so much better than Draco, you get a lifesize model of Gerard and do your Satanist stuff to that, and give me Draco!) **But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. **(No shit, dipstick, I thought it was lime green.) **I thought of da time when we screwed **(yeah, what happy, romantic memories. The time that you screwed your boyfriend's ex-boyfriend and then claimed that he took advantage of you.) **and the time I did it with Draco **(You mean the many times.) **and Dumblydore came **(o.O) **and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide **(yeah, why the hell didn't that happen?) **and Vampire wuz so sportive. **(Yes, Draco was so sporty in French.)**

Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. **(Voldemort is a god now? Eh, well done mate! I told you that mint flavour would reach out to younger audiences!) **He started to do an incapacitation dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. **(-feels violently sick-) **Suddenly an idea I had. **(FJUCK, YODA'S ON THE SCENE!) **I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire **(A telepathetic massage. Right. I am so sure they needed a pathetic massage in their minds right now.) **so they would destruct Snape. **(Eh. OK.)**

"Dumbeldork will get u!" Draco shooted. **(WHERE ARE YOU, DUMBLEDORE? **_**HERE! –runs in pushing his glasses up his nose, calculator in one hand and maths textbook in the other- Let's kick some part of the human anatomy that feces and excrement comes out of! **_**Alright, Dumbles, time for your nap.)**

"Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11" Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand. **(NOT THE TIME, ENOBY!)**

"You ridiculus **(WHERE'S THE BOGGART? Sorry… crap joke…) **dondderhed!111" Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico's clothes. **(Drico?) **Just as he was about to rape him…. **(Oh, I get what she was trying to say now! … Wait, WHAT?)**

"Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. **(You have no idea how much I'm laughing now. Really, I'm in hysterics. Just the thought of Enoby shouting a totally made-up spell and then doing a shit on the floor…) **Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. **(Oh my god. The image in my head right now! PRICELESS!) **Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. **(Sirius has your number? Was he high when he added it?) **I stopped doing crucio. **('Born to rule over you, gorged on fruit zen I died on ze loo!' 'BOOOORN TO RULE! Me-I-was-as-batty-as-a-bonkers-kangaroo-oo!' 'Yeah, Georges… Banana.' Am I too old to love Horrible Histories? … Nah, I don't think so. I love the guy who plays George II.)**

"You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came. **(I had a dream last night about my eyeliner becoming Monster Sized Eyeliner, teaming up with my mascara and attacking me with a chainsaw o.O I'm honestly scared to go near my makeup bag now.)(And now there's two Snapes! Could my life get any better? Only if there were two Seamuses!)**

Snake put the whip behind his bak. "Oh hello Sev **(yeah, hello, myself!) **I wuz just teaching them sumthing." he lied. **(o.O Maaaaate! You're a SLYTHERIN! You're supposed to be a natural born liar! You're putting us to shame!) **But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. **('Ow do you put chains around a piece of toasted rice? Oh, yes, look at zat. I 'ave turned **_**Francais.) **_Then Profesor Trevolry said 'Come on Ebony let's go." **(And then they held hands and skipped off into the sunset to go watch Teletubbies.)**


	31. Chapter 31

**AN: I'm posting another chapter today because m'off to Iceland tomorrow! Another chapter will probably be up on Monday or Tuesday. Can we get to 200 reviews before then? Yeah! Let's do it! Come on guys!**

**... Random cheerleader moment.**

**Thanks to all your reviews so far! They meant a looooot :)**

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><p>Chapter 31. <strong>A Spoonful Of Sugar <strong>

AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 **(… erm, the only meaning I could get from that word was 'quiffs'. YAY, GO JEDWARD!) **stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff **(And here she obviously means boyfriend-forever, just like she meant good friend in the first chapter.) **raven 4 di help!1111 **(If you ask me, somebody needs to murder Raven silently in her sleep. Seriously, just call me if you need help, I'm great at hiding bodies.)**

"I always knew u were on Voldemort's side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111)." **(Woo, hands up if you didn't get that reference!) **Serious said 2 Snape. **(I just can't stop thinking of, 'Harry, I'm homeless. Can I live with you?')**

"No I'm not I was teaching them somefing!1" Snap clamed. **(Wow, education in this country really is slipping.)**

"Oh fucking yeah?" **(Try oh fucking no, bitch!) **I took some blak Volremortserum **(VOLDEMORT! You've got your own HAIR CARE LINE! Seriously, first coming out in mint flavour and then producing your own hair serum. We are on a rooooooll mate!) **out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. **(Good call, he needs it.) **He made Snap dirnk it. **(No! That's not the – oh forget it.) **He did arngrily. **(arngrily is a cross between angrily, and grilly. It just is, I've decided. QUICK SNAPE, MAKE LIKE A GRILL!) **Then Luscious **(Mouthful.) **took out a tape recorder **(o.O I freaked out then, I thought it said 'rape recorder'.) **and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. **(what the hell did toasted rice ever do to you?) **Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. **(So it IS Hermione Granger you've been having an affair with in broom closets and detentions! FANON WAS RIGHT!) **Lucian took Vampure **(Vampurrrr. Here, kitty, kitty!) **and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times. **(Do you think she was there, counting off the number of times he'd said thank you on her fingers?) **Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. **(Do I even want to know what's going to happen in there?) **Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. **(Or you could shoot him. You know, that works too. I know from experience.) **Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. Hermoine, **(… nearly right! You might be ready to move up into nursery next year, Enoby! But only if you eat up all your mashed banana.) **Darkness and Willow came too. B'loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid's store. **(Oh, my lunch! I wondered where that had gone! Thanks, Herman-Monster!)**

"Whatz in da bag?" I asked Profesor Trevolry. **(GET AWAY FROM THE CHEESE SANDWICH.)**

"U will c." she said. I opened thee bag. **(We've gone Shakespeare again. Ha, we've been reading the Merchant of Venice in English, but the language is so painstakingly hard for a class of 13-year-olds to get through very quickly, not to mention we don't even know what they're talking about half the time, that the teacher just gave up and let us watch the film instead.) **In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. **(that's low-smut? What the hell is high-smut?) **It had red korset stuff **(greeeeat description.) **and there was a silt up da leg. **(Holy Muggle. Something tells me these 50's people are SO NOT going to be ready for you!) **I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. **(you needed your friends to help you put on your tights and your shoes… o.O) **Willow and Darkness **(a tree and the opposite of light helped you get dressed? … I worry for your sanity.) **helped me put on black eyeliner **(can you do NOTHING for yourself?) **and blod-red lipshtick. **(lipshtick is what my friend's 4-year-old sister says. -.-)**

"You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said. **(I love how whenever somebody makes a joke to do with Harry Potter, nobody else finds it as funny as I do. Like on Comic Relief, when Rupert Grint's like: 'These kids live in a world where the words Quidditch, and Hogwarts, mean nothing to them.' And Smithy said, 'Anyone got any objections to Ron and the albino kid going?' I was like 'HAHAHAHA! THAT'S FUNNY!' and my family stared at me, like, 'Er… not THAT funny…' Seriously though, I loved that sketch. True, I was just staring at Rupert and Tom the whole time they were onscreen, but whatever.)(I say 'like' far too much…)**

"Fangs." I said. **(Ooh, bite me.)**

"Ok now you're going to go back in tim." **(Tim doesn't want you back in him.) **said Proffesor Sinister. "U will have to do it in a few sessionz." **(Eh? Why can't she just stay there? Preferably forever?) **She gave me a blak gun. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill. **(I think she means 'Resident Evil'. But it could be something to do with Disney, can't be too sure.) **Then she gave me a black **(goffik) **time-tuner. "After an hour use da time torner to go back here." Proffesor Trevolry said. **(And preferably don't come back, but you know. That's optional.) **Then she and B'loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. Every1 went in front of it. **(PERSONAL. SPACE. PEOPLE. GOD!)**

"Good luk!1" Everryone shooted. **(WHY THE FJUCK DOES EVERYONE HAVE GUNS?) **Darkess and Willow gave me deth's touch sin. **(Again, I worry for your mental health. How many times WERE you dropped on your head as a baby, Enoby?) **Then….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive. **(I would've just jumped normally. Just – just saying.)**

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. **(oh, bloody hell.) **He was wering long blak hair, **(Excuse me? He was wearing his hair? No wonder he needs his own brand of hair serum, he's bloody bald.) **kinda like Mikey Way only black. **(you've mentioned.) **He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. **(Well, it's England, he's hardly going to have a full-on tan is he?) **He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. **(Vans was around in the 50's?) **It was….Tom Bombodil!1111 **(… What. The. Fjuck. I'm pissing. I'M PISSING! With laughter. Not just randomly. But seriously. BOMBODIL? If I had a pound for every word Enoby made up that sounded like a vegetable native to Lala-Land, I would be… not very rich, but still.)**


	32. Chapter 32

**AN: Hi! A really miserable old Scottish bloke told me to cheer up today! The nerve of him!**

**Here's the next chapter, a bit later than I promised, but here nonetheless! Do enjoy, and please review. OH, OH, OH! WE REACHED 200 REVIEWS! I less than 3 you guys, I really do.**

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><p>Chapter 32 <strong>The Duck Song (seriously, all the duck wants is some freaking grapes. And the man's just like, "No, we only sell lemonade, you retard." And all through the video you're just thinking, "Just give the duck some fjucking grapes!" Honestly, you know the world's gone mad when a duck can't get hold of any grapes anymore.)<strong>

AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 **(how can you mistake a crazy tree guy, as my reviewers tell me, with the most evil dark wizard of all time?)(I might have actually watched Lord of the Rings if they'd put Tom Bombadil in the film!) **if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 **(Usually my mate would say to that: "I'd rather screw you." Because she is rather immature –not like me, I am clearly full of matureosity- but I don't think even she would say that when it came to Enoby.) **U SUK!111111 **(Now THAT'S how to get readers!)**

"Hi." I said flirtily. **(I think she's already forgotten that she has a boyfriend. Enoby and her whoreish ways…) **"Im Enoby Way **(Oh thank God you didn't introduce yourself with your full name.) **da new student." I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him. **(Iceland is without a doubt the most stunning country I have ever been to. And all the Icelandics are so friendly! The coach driver put our suitcase in the hold of the coach and my mum said, "Sorry, it's a bit heavy." And the driver goes, "Heavy? That is why we are Vikings!" and he practically shouted it as well, and he even did that muscle pump thing! Well, I didn't know what to say to that, so I just laughed manically and went off cackling into the bus. Like a manic, cackling thing who was slightly scared of being driven around somewhere by this madman.)**

"Da name's Tom." he said. "But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam" **(-bashes head in with a sledgehammer- AAAAAARGGGHHHH!)**

We shok hands. **(really? Usually you'd be at the screwing stage by now.) **"Well come on we have 2 go upstairs." **(oo-er, what for, eh?) **Satan said. I followed him. **(Yeah, just follow the creepy evil dude.) **"Hey Satan…..do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?" **(I AM!) **(sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den) I asked. **(please don't bring Green Day into this. Pleasepleasepleaseplease! Green Day weren't around in the 50s either. Doris Day was, though..)**

"Oh my fuking god, **(Now I can understand Voldie saying 'Oh my god', because as his name is apparently Satan now, it would sound a bit weird saying, 'Oh my Satan'. But why the hell does Enoby still say 'Oh my god' when she's a Satanist?) **how did u know?" Satan gasped. **(He is sounding more and more gay.) **"actually I like gc a lot too."(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s) **(eh? What? Anybody else confused?)**

"omg me too!" I replied happily. **(Yay! Let's all go and sing songs around the campfire! With dangerous pieces of MEAT, Enoby!)**

"guess what they have a concert in hogsment." satan whispered. **(Oh my Dobby's sock, is this a secret? OMG that's why you're whispering! OMG OMG OMG OMG it's a secret! I love secrets! HEY, EVERYONE, VOLDEMORT'S GOT A SECRET! **_**No, don't tell them, fool! **_**VOLDEMORT IS BALD AND HAS TO USE HIS OWN SPECIAL HAIR SERUM! Haha, I got you! You thought I was going to tell them about the concert in Hogsment! Hahahaha, I'm so funny! **_**–murderous look-)**_

"hogsment?" I asked. **(Yes, they shove you in a basement where loads of hogs are waiting to tear you limb from limb and rip your guts out.)**

"yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000." he told me all sekrtivly. **(you can tell the future now?) **"and theres a really cool shop called Hot-" **(Momma.)**

'topic!" I finshed, happy again.

He froned confusedly. "noo its called Hot Ishoo." **(PWNED Enoby!) **He smiled skrtvli again. **(does Enoby use chat speak that nobody else uses?) **"then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." he moaned. **(I've just looked up a picture of Hot Topic. I wouldn't go near that place if you paid me with Enoby's head on a spike! Can't they make it a little less like a Halloween shop?)(On the plus side, a picture of Tom Felton came up on the search and I've just spent five minutes staring at it in a very pervy ogle-ey way.)**

"ohh." now everything was making sense for me. **(seriously? I thought everything confused you.) **"so is dumblydor your princepill?" I shouted. **(Princepill: the royalty of pills.)**

"uh-huh." **(-headdesk-) **he looked at his black nails. **(you want to get them checked out, mate.) **"im in slitherin'" **(SAME!)**

"OMfG SHME TOO!" **(o.O) **I SHRIEDKED. **(NO, WE DON'T WANT YOU IN OUR HOUSE! GET THE FJUCK OUT! GO CORRUPT THE RAVENCLAWS!)**

"u go to this skull?" **(Nah, mate, I've got my own skull.) **(geddit cos im goffik) **(Ooh, look, a washing-line peg. Why is that in my room?) **he asked. **(I know, Tom, I'm wondering that too. Washing-line pegs do not belong next to my German books that I am supposed to be revising from. And failing.)**

"yah that's why im here **(idiot!) **im NEW." I SMELLED HAPPili. **(HAPPY ENOBY DOG!)**

Suddenly dumblydore **(BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR DUMBLES TO MAKE ENOBY PISSED!) **flew in on his broomstuck **(oo-er) **and started shredding at us angrily. **(Holy Muggle, this is turning into a horror film!) **"NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" he had short blonde hair **(If she makes him look like Tom Felton, I am going to rip her head off with my bare hands.) **and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. **(the what?) **"STUPID GOFFS!" **(haha, you remember the whole snowing-and-raining fadoodle from the first chapter? Funny story! We were translating some texts about weather today in French, and one of the texts said, '**_**Il neige et il pleut…' **_**In English, 'it's snowing and raining'. Looks like Enoby and the French are on the same wavelength! Those poor French froggies. The whole class was like, "What? It can't snow and rain at the same time!" and I was sniggering and thinking, "It can in Enoby-land.")(I bet the person who made those worksheets has read My Immortal. I bet you they have.)**

satan rolled his eyes. "his so mean to us goffs and punks **(don't bring the punks into this…) **just becose we're in slytherine and we're not preps." **(Yes, because Dumbledore is obviously the most prejudiced character in the books.)**

I turned around angrily. "actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord." **(I told you he was the Bark Lord! Maybe he's in league with Tom Bombadil!)**

"wtf?" he asked angrily. **(well, yes, I'd be a little angry too if I was accused of being the Lord of Trees.)**

"oh nuffin." I said sweetly. **(yeah, nuffin' mate. Innit bled.)**

then suddenlyn…. the floor opened. **(LE GASP!) **"OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly." **(erm, you shouted all that?)**

"hey where r u goin?" satan asked as I fell. **(I doubt she knows, mate, the floor just open up without warning! You really are **_**le idiot.) **_

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry's classroom. **(That's how you return to your own time? By falling through a random hole in the floor? … Maaate! I think people are going to NOTICE that!) **dumblydum wuz dere. "dumblydore I think I just met u." I said.

"oh yeah I rememba that." dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik. **(So saying you remember something is goffik. Oh, Enoby…)**

sinister came in. "hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?" **(Everyone is **_**les idiots**_**! You know what, I'm going to be **_**die idiot. **_**Just to be awkward.)**

:"um." I looked at her. **(with a dude-ur-so-retarded look.)**

"oh yeaH I forgot bout that." **(Clever.)**

"wth how?" I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. **(How can you forget someone is a teacher?) **but shes a goff so its ok. **(I think my maths teacher is a 'goff'.)**

professor sinster looked sad. "um I was drinking voldemortserum." **(you're not supposed to drink it! It's HAIR SERUM, you inarticulate bumble!) **she started to cry black tears of depression. **(Feather…) **dumblydum didn't know about them. **(well, to be fair none of us did either.)**

"hey r u crying tears of blood?" **(why the hell does he think blood is black?) **he asked curiously, tuching a tear. **(AND WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TOUCH ONE?)**

"fuck off!" **(you are **_**tres charmant. **_**I'm loving the French vibe today!)**we both said and dumblydum **(I really do love his name. He sounds like someone who's a bit simple.) **took his hand away.

professor sinster started crying again in her chair, **(you are **_**le pathetico.) **_sobbing limpid tears. **(Oh my god, you can cry limpid tears as well! Join the club and get a free pen today!) **"omfg enoby…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum." **(-sprays Sinister with banana juice- IT'S OK, I'M A DOCTOR! YOU'RE SAFE NOW!)**


	33. Chapter 33

**AN: Hey. You are lucky I wrote most of this yesterday - m'a bit depressed today because I just heard about somebody who died on Friday who used to go on one of the forums I go on, on this site. I didn't even know them, but it's still upsetting when you've seen them around and you're like, 'Why did I never say hi?'**

**Anyway! Enough of that, here's your next chapter! Enjoy, my little tap dancing chimpanzees. And pleasepleaseplease review, with pineapples on top. **

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><p>Chapter 33 <strong>Put A Banana In Your Ear (candy mountain, Charlie! <strong>_**Ring ring **_**Hellooo? **_**Ring ring **_**Hellooo? **_**Ring ring **_**Helloooo? **_**Ring ring **_**YOU HAVE A BAD CONNECTION!)**

AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok **(Oh, I really think it is.) **if u don't lik da story **(If I don't lik the story. Haha. I go around licking everybody else's stories but yours! DON'T YOU WANT THE LICK?)(…) **den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz **(I think she means five reviews from God. Honestly, Big G is probably cursing himself for ever inventing humanity now.) **nd diz tim **(Tim again… LEAVE TIM OUT OF THIS, YOU HORRID BITCH!) **I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 **(You don't wanna know what I suck.)(LOLLIPOPS!) **fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1 **(she reeeeally doesn't want your help..)**

"Oh my fuking god!1" I shooted sadly. "Shud we get u 2 St Manga's, bitch?" **(The hospital has turned into a safe haven for fruity Japanese cartoons.)**

"Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, **(HAHAHAHAHA! Brb, I'm dying!) **I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, **(Right, I thought we had made this clear. Tim does not want you back in him!) **do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?" **(Eh, yeah, just go ask the crazy evil sadistic future Dark Lord for some help. Thaaaat'll work.)(Andorson? Is Voldemort an Anderson shelter now?)**

"Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. **(thank God you didn't smack into the door. It's a mean door. I walked into it and it glared at me.) **Draco was there!111 **(erm… yay?) **He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas. **(Mmm. Sexy. A massive T-shirt..)**

"Hey Sexxy." I said. **(If massive t-shirts that hide his six pack and look a bit weird on a guy when he's not wearing anything else turn you on, then fine.)**

"How'd it go Enoby?" he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking. **(Well, at least he doesn't sound like Rebecca Black when he speaks.)**

"Fine." I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm. **(ARGH! This is so boring, there's nothing to comment on! I might just whack myself over the head with a pineapple!)**

"How far did u go wif Satan?" Drako asked jealously. **(Probably not very far, Tom seems as straight as a roundabout.)**

"Not 2 far, lol." I borked. **(Isn't it just so awkward when 'lol' slips out when you're speaking?)**

"Will you hav to do it with him?" Draco asked angstily. **(Nope, I honestly think Moldy Shorts plays for the other team, if you get what I'm saying.)**

"I hop not 2 far!111" I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched. **(I know you have the same weather as the French now, but why can't you just call it awholelottasnogging instead of bringing **_**mes froggies**_** into it?)**

"What happened 2 Snipe?" I growled. **(Ooh! Scary Enoby! **_**Bite me.)**_

"U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. **(Ebony, I think it's time to admit that Draco is gay. Live with it and go stab yourself with a piece of meat.) **He opened a door…Snap nd Lumpkin **(-giggles- I just think of this giant pumpkin with loads of lumps and Brian Holden's face on it, and Joe Moses swooping around it like a bat.) **werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife. **(Now that just completes the image! Imagine if you saw that, you'd think you'd walked into a home for the mentally ill!)**

"NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his **(his what?) **blood. **(Oh thank God for that.) **I laffed statistically. **(I was watching the Graham Norton show the other day with Tom Hanks on it. He's quite loud, but very funny xD Graham with the red chair: "Is that – is that a Vulcan name?" "It's Welsh." "Aah." –tips her out the red chair- And SIMON PEGG! I love Simon Pegg, he's amazing.) **I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men **(Yes, they are men. Is it worrying that she obviously didn't listen to anything in school except the lessons about certain parts of the human anatomy?) **but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz **(Pedoz sounds like the name of a crazy Spanish dog. Who has been given ecstasy.) **nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz). **(Well, that was random!)(Did she means Shrek or Shark Attack? DONKEY!) **We took sum of Snipe's blod den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity **(How did hoing back in time get your clothes dirty?)(Haha, 'hoing'. Enoby is HO-ing anywhere she goes!) **so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. **(Underworld factory, the home of knickers!) **(if u haven't herd of it den FUK U!111) . **(Fuck yourself!) **I put on some blak platform high heelz. **(When I think of platform shoes, I think of 'Bratz'…) **Darko put on 'desolition liverz' by MCR. **(huh?) **Den….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. **(I'm just going to go with this, having no idea what's she's on about.) **I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. **(Usually I would start drooling at the mention of Draco's six-pack, but Enoby has completely vandalised him. Draco Malfoy is no more. ****somber funeral march plays*****) **We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. **('11am, waking up in my mansion, got to get dressed in my tartan kilt, got to have my full English breakfast, seeing my servants fry my black pudding, time is ticking on and on, my sausages are almost done, have to get down to the palace, got to catch my Jaguar, I see the Queen!' … That was the first verse of the British version of 'Friday'…) **He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. **(Well. This is more disturbing than the time my friend Louise started describing Dumbledore's Elder Wand. We had to shut her up by shoving her own rice balls in her mouth.) **

"Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation.

"I luv u TaEbory." **(Aha! You see the capital T? He was going to say Tim before he remembered another name he'd made up for Enoby! Tim really isn't having a lot of luck in this story.) **he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol **(I love this sentence. The other day I fell off a cliff and was eaten by bisons LOL! ROFL! LMAO! … No.)**


	34. Chapter 34

**AN: Heyo! I'm sorry this is so late. I've got exams next week, and apparently I do have to revise. Actually, the exams start on Wednesday, and the most revision I have done is glancing over my German and French essays. I am... screwed. -.- But oh well! I have an iPhone now! Yay me! And now there's just the hassle of transferring all my contacts over to it... . **

**OH! And I'm off to the 2012 London Olympics! Just in case you cared! xD But here you are, Chapter 34!**

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><p>Chapter 34. <strong>PARTY IN THE USA! (why not subject Enoby to the horrors of Miley's voice?)<strong>

AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11 **(Unfortunately, yes. We've made it this far, and we're not backing out now. –wipes sweat from forehead-) **u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 **(Right, can anybody explain to me what preps and posers actually are? We don't even use those words in England, so when I think of 'prep' I think of Quinn and Santana from Glee o.O) **fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1

I wook up in da coffin de next day. Draco waz gone. **(Waz. Haha. I'm just off for a waz! In other words, a pee.) **I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss **(sexah drsss. She's creating a new language for snakes!) **that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees. **(do you mean it came down to your knees? Or were you actually wearing your dress from your feet up?... Don't answer that.) **There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. **(Eh. OK.) **I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. **(The prostitute place is down the street, Enoby. You missed a turning back there.) **Suddenly…. Sorious cocked on da door. **(oo-er, bit forward, isn't he!) **I hopened it.

"Hi Ibony." **(I thought that said 'Gibbony'. Hey, Enoby the gibbon!) **he said. "Gezz wut **(WHAT?) **u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor's office."** (Fun fact! I'm eating Sirius!)(As in, Iceland has chocolate. And it is called Sirius. Sirius tastes goooooood.)**

"Ok." I said in a deprezzd voice. **(Whoops. Made the mistake of telling my mother what I got on my science exam. Let's just say she… wasn't happy, so I've come up to my room to avoid her.) **I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. **(…erm, nearly right.) **I came anyway. **(good for you.)**

"So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?" I asked Sorious flirtily. **(…! And I thought Hermione/Sirius stories were a little creepy because of the age difference. RUN, SIRIUS, RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIFE!)**

"I fucking tortured them." **(… -rings up St Mango's/Manga's: Hello? Yes, I've got a Sirius Black here who needs assistance right away… well, I think he may have gone insane. The signs? Ah, yes, well, he cocked the door open before – yes, cocking, rather impressive too – and then he mistook a very lonely emo for a gibbon. And now he seems to be taking a sadistic pleasure in the thought of torturing somebody. Yes – yes, Enoby Way is in the room. Ah, I see. Yes, I'll keep him in a 'safe environment' and give Enoby a pineapple to play with while you're on your way. Thank you!) **he answered in a statistic way. "They r in Abkhazian now, lol." **(They're in Azerbaijan? O.o Oh, Azkaban! I knew that.)**

I laughed evilly. **(My imaginary walrus can do the evil laugh better than you. MWUHUHUHUHUHUHUHEEUUURGGH! See?)**

"Where r Draco and Vampira?" I muttered. **(Enoby's fallen into the 'Girl Who Lived' cliché! Except this time it's girl!Vampire !)**

"Dey are xcused form skool 2day." Sodomize _**(… Sodomize? **_**NOW I know what to call the suspicious liquid lying in the corner of my room!)(I think my cat puked it up. Oh, for God's sake, honestly, doesn't he keep anything down?) **moaned sexily. "Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas." **(Yes, that utterly horrifying film that only hardcore goffs like yourselves can bear to watch.)**

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. **(YAYYY! She's my favourite teacher in this!) **She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic **(is anyone else picturing Trelawney dressed in this outfit? No? Just me? Oh.)**

( http/ She wuz drinking some Volximortserum. **(Actually, that is sounding more and more like a brand of chew toys for dogs.)**

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.

"Enoby, you will have to do anozzer **(ooh, another invented vegetable.) **session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited." she said sadly. "Good luck. Fangz!" **(Ooh, I made garlic bread on Tuesday! I was so proud of myself! I'm the really irritating person who goes around annoying everybody else asking what to do and how to make the garlic butter and complaining about how I don't want to use the yeast because what if it wakes up and gathers an army to sabotage my garlic bread?)(Holy Muggle, it was raining cats and dogs outside 30 seconds ago and now it's stopped just like that. Big G has finished his shower up there in heaven.)**

And then….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around…I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula. **(I still want some of this cereal.) **It was mourning. **(Who died? YOU?) **I was sitting next to Satan. **(Well I am sitting next to Big G. THIS IS WAR! –throws ferrets-) **On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. **(Damn. He's been infected by the Enoby disease. We're too late. –bows head-) **He looked just like Charlyn Manson. I noticed…he was drinking a portent. **(apparently, a portent is an omen or a warning. He's telling you that you shouldn't be eating that Count Chocula, Enoby, because it's infested with rat droppings…)**

"Whose he!11" I asked. **(Your future.)**

"Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn." **(… there are successful sluts and there are sluts that just fail. Slutborn is one of the latter.) **Satan said. "He's da Portents teacher **(he's another Trelawney/Sinister? Well, he's probably a tad better looking, even with his slutty chubbiness!) **…..Ebony?"

"Yah?" I asked. **(Why don't you just say 'Yeah'? You're not German, love.)**

"Did u know dat Marylin Mason **(Marilyn Manson scares me. Have I said that before?) **is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat." **(The Exercise? The plotline could be similar to 'Run Fat Boy Run'!)**

"Yah?" **(Have you noticed that nearly everything they say is a question? Maybe they are Australian.)(I'm joking. We're making sure Enoby is only contaminating America. Sorry, America, but you're condemned now!)**

"Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?" **(No, she's off to her tea party with the care bears first. But then she might be free. If the Super Evil Ninja Dalek Panda doesn't ambush her first.)**


	35. Chapter 35

**AN: Hello! It's moi again! And now for something completely not HP-related: Do any Hunger Games fans read this? If not, skip ahead now if you want! What do you all think of the casting for the movie? It's a bit iffy for me... I love the actresses they got for Clove and Foxface, and Jennifer Lawrence will probably make a really good Katniss though I've never seen her act before, but they really botched Cinna, which is a shame since he's one of my favourite characters. I still don't know what to think for Peeta, Gale and Rue. They'll probably pull it off. In other words, they'd better pull it off or I am going to curl up in a corner and cry once I've seen the movie. XD**

**Anyhoo, here is the next chapter. Voila!**

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><p>Chapter 35. gost of u <strong>(Damn, this chapter already had a title. I'm guessing this is another MCR song?)<strong>

AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 **(My panda bear is called Suzi. Well, Susie, but same thing.) **u rok! **(I rock! I am a rock! I am full of rocks! I have rocks for brains! …) **fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 **(YAY! WE'RE ALL ROCKS TOGETHER!) **ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U!111 **(I picked up 'gong' and 'fuck you' from that sentence. Hm. Yeah.) **oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz. **(I KNOW ONE! Vladimir! How totally awesome am I?)**

I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan. **(Just like we all do, Enoby. In fact, I reserve half an hour every day to think of Satan. I even get out a spotty beanbag my cat threw up in the other day and chant Satanic words that don't exist.) **Suddenly I gasped…..Draco wuz there!111 **(What? Just – just there? … Erm. Alright then.)**

I grasped. **(Oh, we know. You've been doing a lot of grasping of Draco recently.) **He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner. **(I am bored already. But doing my DT revision is boringer. That's a word now, I said so.)**

"Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111" I gosped. **(SHE'S A GOSPEL SINGER! It's all about the **_**energy! **_**As my singing teacher said when he was trying to teach us a song from Sister Act.)**

"Huh?" he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn't Draco. It was Lucan!1 **(… I have no idea who Lucan is. Let us just pretend he is a stick insect Enoby found on the floor.) **He stil had two arms. **(Was he not supposed to have two arms?)(Now I can't stop thinking of stick insects crawling up my arms… damn you, imagination!)**

"Oh hi Lucian!1" I sed. "Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz." **(How creeped out would you be if someone commentated what they were doing like that? You can just imagine an insane scientist doing that.)**

"Yah Satan told me abot you." Lusian said. **(decided on a spelling yet?) **He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. **(I'm bringing sexy back…) **They where siting in a corner kutting. **(Like you do.) **It wuz Serious, Vampire's dad **(JAMESIE WAMESIE! What has this horrid bitch done to you? WHERE'S YOUR ZEFRON POSTER?) **and…Snap! **(Oh, yeah, so they just dump Lupin for Snivellus!)(I'm joking. Whenever someone mentions Snape, I think of Alan Rickman in frilly pink underwear. You can blame my mentally disturbed friend for that life changing image.) **All of them were wearing blak eyeliner **(Same here! We should compare makeup routines, girlfriends!) **and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. "Lizzen I'm in a goth band wif those guys." he said. "Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up. **(How the hell did you secure that? I wouldn't go near Marilyn Manson with a ten-foot-bargepole.)(I've got to stop exaggerating how much he scares me. 'Tis odd.)**

"ORLY." I ESKED. **(This has got to be the most random sentence in the whole chapter. Maybe it is feeding time at the zoo where Ebooby lives in her mind.)**

"Yeah." he said. "Were calld XBlakXTearX. **(Why am I not surprised?) **I play teh gutter. **(Suits you.) **Spartacus **(…what? Is this the gothic name she came up with for Sirius? What the hell goes on in Tara's head?) **plays da drums" he said ponting to him. "Snap plays the boss. **(Is the boss happy about that?) **And Jamez **(back from the dead?) **plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring." **(You named him after a girl, but made it sound more masculine. Nice.)**

"Hey bastards." **(Ah, I get it! Because she calls the girls 'bitches'! I've still no idea why she does it! It's like when guys shove each other into walls in the corridors when they see each other. How is that supposed to be a friendly greeting?) **I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. **(Sorry. But when I read this line, I can't help but picture them all pulling back their sleeves and presenting their smiley-face 'Dark Marks'.) **Suddenly I gasped again. **(You're going to swallow a fly if you keep doing that. And then you'll end up like the lady in the nursery rhyme who swallowed all those animals. She's now on a controlled diet and under strict surveillance. Do you really want that?) **"But don't u have a lead singer!" I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly. **(Sob story! We love them!)**

"We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists." **(And there I was thinking she'd run off to New Zealand to raise sheep.)**

"Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1" I gasped. **(Nobody would cry if you did it! Go on, give it a try!)**

"Its okay but we need a new led snigger." Samaro said. **(I can snigger! I love that word! Sniggering is good for you!)**

"Wel…..I said Im in a bnad myself."

"Rilly?" asked Snap. **(No freaking way!) **I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111 **(… Then what the hell is he now? Eskimo?)**

"Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?" **(Haha, no, Enoby! Nobody wants to hear that tragedy! You don't want to cause another avalanche again!)**

Yeah said everyone. **(Idiots. The lot of you.) **So the guys tok out der guitarz. **('And I took up the mic and began to sing, 'SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET HOME ALABAMA!') **They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) **(Erm. Yes. Haha. **_**Just laugh along so she doesn't attack you.)**_Gurn Day.

"I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz." I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. **(Is that the only line she knows? -.-) **Every1 gasped. **(Yes, 'cause you were so bloody awful. I would compare it to a screeching cat trying to kill itself by jamming its body again and again into a radiator.)**

"Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1" begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap. **(Ooh, this shall be fun to watch on XFactor! Only Cheryl Cole would find something good to say about them!)**

"Um….ok." I shrugged. "Are we gong to play tonight?" **(YES! You should play the gong!)**

"Yah." they said. **(Yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah YAH!) **

"Ok." I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. **(Pffft. Bored again.) **I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. **(Eh, why do you want to do that? Do clothes shops not exist in the 50s?) **Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1 **(Oh. My. God. No, no, no, no, no! THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH!) **He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans. **(DAMNIT JANET!)(what's that even from?) **"What da hell r u dong here!11" I asked. **(He was probably just hanging out with Doc, saw you, and came to the future to try and escape you. It didn't work.)**

"I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby." **(LEAVE TIM THE FJUCK ALONE! HE WAS JUST AN INNOCENT BLOKE HAVING A FAG DOWN THE PUB BEFORE YOU ATTACKED HIM! NOW HIS LIFE IS RUINED, HIS WHOLE FAMILY IS DEAD AND NO ONE WILL SELL HIM FAGS ANYMORE!) **he said siriusly Den….he took out a blak tim machine. **(AND NOW YOU'VE TURNED HIM INTO THE TARDIS' BROTHER!)(Call me… sexy!) **I went in2 it and…..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111 **(AND YOU JUST TRAVELLED THE FUCK BACK IN TIME!)(couple of AVPM/S references, anyone? I thought the last few chapters had been despairingly devoid of them. And that makes for very sad Starkids like us.)**


	36. Chapter 36

**AN: Crap, guys. I have 10 days to learn how to dance. You know why? Because I'm auditioning for a role in a musical, and you have to be able to act, sing and dance. And when I dance, I look like a cross between a chicken being whipped and a goat dying an unnecessarily dramatic death. Yes, that bad. And while I do not stand a chance of getting any of the roles available, I do not want to look like a fabulous idiot in such a prestigious theatre. Is it a theatre? It's a theatre-type place, anyway. **

**Very theatre-ey.**

**Anyway, aside from my desperate wishes to wake up tomorrow and be leaping around like Louie Spence, my other wish is this: more reviews! You're slipping, guys! Where have you all gone? Am I that mind-numbingly boring? If I am, please tell me and I'll go buy some more funny! But thank you to my reviewers who keep reviewing religiously (even those who only tell me they're sorry but they can't cope with this anymore, I commend you for even getting past Chapter 1), you absolutely and totally make my day. I less than 3 you all. But I need the level of reviews I used to get, to keep my funny up. I feel a bit like I've been abandoned :/**

**After that very long author's-note-and-sort-of-begging-session, without further ado, here is Chapter 36!**

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><p>Chapter 36 <strong>Dancing Queen (you are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen! I loved the dance routine to this in Mamma Mia.)<strong>

AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 **(Oh my god. When I'm 70, I am absolutely going to be sitting at my computer in the nursing home rapidly blasting off flames to random people on fanfiction sites! It'll be the one thing that keeps me going through the day!) **ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 **(Is Portersuz a reviewer who flamed this story? Who reckons we should knight Portersuz?) **o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111 **(… did she just try to say England? Raven's coming to England? NO, GO AWAY! WE DON'T HAVE PADDED CELLS SECURE ENOUGH FOR YOU!)**

I loked around in a **(excited! Thrilled! Ecstatic!) **depresed way. **(You know, I think we seriously need to consider slipping Enoby some cheering up pills. We can all hold hands and sing around the campfire!) **Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B'lody Mary, Socrates **(SOCRATES! MY MAN!) **and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to. **(Willow Smith? **_**I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and – **_**STOP IIIIIIT! Oh, no, it's just Willow the Traitorous Tree.)**

"OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip **(… Snape's a hairdresser? I imagine he would be a lot like Edward Scissorhands if he ever took up the… scissors. Hairdressing would really suit Snape! He'd be the biggest gossip in the salon!) **nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111" **(Yeah. Now he's just an Eskimo with nowhere to go.)**

"Yah I no." Serious said **(siriusly. HAHAHAHAHAHA DO YOU GET IT? -.-) **sadly.

"Oh hey there bitch." **(Does anybody else really, really want to be part of a flashmob?) **Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice **(An emo voice.) **dirnking some Volxemortserom. **(Why did they fail to tell us about Volxemortserom when they were teaching us about drugs in P.D.?)(The way our teacher talks about drugs to us makes it seem like she firmly believes we are all hardcore drug addicts…)**

Hi fuker." I said. "Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet **(I WANT A GOTTIK CORNET!) **and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. **(seriously, what is the point? Every single bloody outfit you wear is EXACTLY THE SAME. Slutty, black, and ripped everywhere!) **Also I'm playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too." **(Why don't you just go on naked?)(Please don't. Think of the children. And the goats, because nobody seems to think of the goats.)**

"Oh my satan!1" (geddit lolz koz shes gofik) **(LOL I find that so hilarious it hurts.) **gasped B'lody Mary. **(DECIDE ON A FJUCKING NAME!) **"Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?" **(Of course it's Hot Topic. They might as well just go to a Halloween shop.)**

"OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry. **(YAY! HAPPY DAYS DOWN AT THE EMO BLOODBATH!)**

"I can't fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first." said Willow. **(Ugh. I can't stop thinking of Willow Smith now. She is the most annoying kid I have ever had the pleasure to not meet.)**

"Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore **(You could just take it away from her. And hide it. And say 'HAHAHA YOU LOSER I'VE GOT YOUR DRUUUGS!') **nd also….sum luv potion 4 Enoby." Darko said resultantly. **(I don't think she needs any love potion. Only morons fall in love with her, and 'Satan' is beyond moronic. There is no hope for him.)**

"Well we have potions klass now." **(YAY!) **Willow said so let's go.

We went sexily to Potionz class. **(… Wait, why would you follow a talking tree?) **But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was…Cornelio Fuck!11111 **(CORNELIO FUCK SOUNDS LIKE A BADASS ICE CREAM FOR NINJAS!)(So, no, Enoby, that means you can't have any.)**

"Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111" Draco shouted angrily. **('They say she's in the class A team, stuck in her daydream, been this way since eighteen but lately her face seems, slowly sinking, wasting, crumbling like pastries and they scream, the worst things in life come free to us…' That's stuck in my head. My drama teacher knows the girl who's in the music video for 'The A Team'. Ed Sheeran and Rupert Grint should start a group called 'Hot Redheads'.)**

"STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck. "He is in Azkhabian **(I'm still thinking, 'Why is everybody going to Azerbaijan?')**now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. **(… I'm actually angry that Tara's just thrown that in there. **_**Oh nd he haz kancer. **_**How can you write about cancer like it's not important? Someone I know died from cancer on Sunday morning, and it just makes me upset that Tara would toss that around carelessly. Gah, I don't even know why… Anyway!) **"Now do ur work!111" **(STOP IN THE NAME OF PLOD!)**

My friendz and I talked arngrily. **(… you have friends? I thought you'd just paid Drako and B'loody Mary and all those others to pretend to like you! MIND. BLOWN. –faints-)**

"Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1" Vampire asked surprisedly. **(Actually, yeah, I can. And Crackle is nerd and Pop is jock.)**

"DATZ IT!11" CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. **(I can totally imagine him gunning down a classroom full of students.) **"IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111" **(Imagine if a bridge just walked into the class. 'Helloooo, class. I am gooooing to shooow you what happens when you meeeeess with The Briiiiidge.')**

He stomped out angrily. **(the bridge did? Oh, right, Badass Ice Cream Ninja did.)**

Mi frendz and I began talking again. **(What do goffik emo vampires talk about anyway? It can't be anything normal.)(Microsoft claims that emo is not a word. Huh.) **I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. **(where did that come from? No, really, I want some.) **Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard. **(…. Can he **_**fit **_**in there**_**?)**_

"WTF is he doing?" **(Your hamster. Yeah, it's got more sex appeal than you do.) **I asked. Then I looked at Draco. **(My mate has a hamster called Draco! Have I told you that?) **He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner **(you find that attractive in a guy? Alright then. I suppose it makes his eyes really pop.) **nd he locked shexier den eva. **(Draco is shexier than Eva. Poor Eva!) **Suddenly… **(A MASSIVE FREAKIN LLAMA WAS JUST THERE.) **"HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted. ** (STOP. THE FJUCKING. SHOOTING!)**

I looked around….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily. **(**_**It was just something to sweeten the flavour!)**_

"God u r such a posr!1" I shooted at Hairgrid. **(Haha, yeah. The posers at my school frequently go around slipping stuff in other people's cups of blood.) **Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was…Amnesia Portion!111 **(Oh! Oh, just let Hagrid do it! If you forget everything, including your own identity, the rest of the story will just be amusing chapters of you getting treated in St Mungo's! You'd be in the same ward as our dear friend Gilderoy Lockhart, how lovely for you!)**


	37. Chapter 37

**AN: Afternoon everybody! Or good morning, good evening, good lunchtime, good 11am, good 4.36pm, whatever time it is where you are in the world. Sorry for the wait, but here's the next chapter! Enjoy, my lovelies. x**

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><p>Chapter 37.<strong> Thunder and lightning, very very frightening…! Weather was awful today – I was in town when the lightning started, I screamed in WHSmith and made this old woman give me the evils.<strong>

AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY **(thank god.) **SO IM EEDER **(that sounds like cheese!) **GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. **(weex. Why do I think of Weetabix when I read that?) **fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11

DARKO'S PONT OF VIEW LOL **(LOL DATS SO FUNNY GURL.)**

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor. **(Haha! Who wouldn't pay to see that?)**

"Oh mi fucking satan!11" Enoby said. She wuz so hot. **(To each their own, I suppose…) **"Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1" **(how the hell would amnesia potion help with that…?)**

"But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata," **(TATA! Haha, my grandma says that. Tata, love, I'll see you next week!)(Oh, I see what she did! She was going to spell 'Tara', but misspelled her own name…) **said Vampire. "Why would u need it?" **(Oh trust me… she needs it.)**

"To make everyfing go faster lol." said Enoby. **(LOL not funny.)**

"But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?" I asked jelosly. **(Gahh, I have 'Swagger Jagger' stuck in my head. Can't believe I actually liked Cher Lloyd in the the X Factor – her song is doing my head in. .)**

"OMFG u guyz r so scary!11" said Britney, a fucking prep. **(Woah! Where did she pop up from? Was she chained to the floor too? ARE THEY COLLECTING PREPS?)**

"Shut the fuk up!1" said Willow. **('Swagger jagger, swagger jagger, you should get some of your own…' ARGH!) **

"Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry's room." **(and so they held hands, smiled at each other, and skipped down the corridor and into the sunset, never to be seen again. Of course, if they really did skip into the sunset, they would have been frazzled to death by the sun – so it's a good thing for all.)**

Draco, Ebory and I **(what? Who's point of view is this now? An invisible elf's?) **went to Profesor Siniater's room. But Profesor Sinister wasn't there. **(NUUUUUU!) **Instead Tom Rid was. **(*does spazzy wave* **_**Hi!)**_

Oh hi fuckers he said. **(Well that's lovely.) **Lizzen, I got u sum **(lollipops!) **kewl new clovez. **(CLOVE!)**

I took out da cloves from da bag. **(you took out some garlic cloves from the bag? Oh, I see, Tom did the weekly shop for you. And he bought you garlic cloves, and you're a vampire and so garlic is toxic to you… ajfhejahfj;fse HE'S PLANNED THIS WHOLE THING! HE WANTS YOU DEAD TOO! VOLDEMORT IS GOOD FOR SOMETHING!) **It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said '666' on da bak, **(people are going to think your butt costs £666. Nobody would pay that much… except maybe Barney the Dino – I mean nobody.) **black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset. **(so basically, a copy of everything you own already… does Enoby own multiple sets of the same clothes, but in different shades of black?)**

"OMG fangz!" I said hugging him in a gothic way. **(By which of course she means in that creepy Barney the Dinosaur way.) **I took da clothes in da bag.

"OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?" **(Change the seating plan and swap your names around? That's what people usually do when a teacher isn't there and a supply's covering.) **asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall. **(my skirt blew up while I was walking past a bus today. It was parked as well, so everybody was staring at me. The wind caught me and my skirt blew right up, and I was like OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT and caaaalm. This was my face: o.O)**

"Oh my fuking satan!1" I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now. **(NO! MY FAVOURITE GOFFIK PROFESSOR!) **Classes shal be taught by Dubledork **(I have no idea who this is, but let's just go with it.)**who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge. **(that was something to scream about? …. **_**Really?**_**)**

"OMFG!111" I shoted arngrily. "How could they do that!11" **(Obviously it was all planned just to make you upset. I'm sill not sure if this is Enoby's POV or the invisible elf's POV.)**

Suddenly Dumblydore came. **(DUMBLEDORK! -****throws him some garlic****- WE'RE MAKING A PLAN TO KILL ENOBY! IT INVOLVES GARLIC!)**

"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1" he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly's blak tim machine!111 **(Oh, so now there's a machine which produces Tims! WHAT KIND OF WORLD DO WE LIVE IN?) **I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was…Profesor Slutborn's efface! **(Hooray kids!) **I sneaked around. **(I just found lemonade in my school bag. Erm, random.) **Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. **(Ooh, it's cloudy lemonade!) **It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz…..Profesor Slutgorn!11 **(NOW HE SOUNDS LIKE A GOAT!)**

OMG wut r u doing **(Ron did it.) **fuker he shooted angrily I don't kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY. **(aww, somebody's PMSing. SLUTBORN…. MAKE… ENOBY… ANGRYYYYYYYY!)**

"Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class." **(that is possibly the crappest excuse ever.) **you said finally hoping he couldn't c da potion in ur pocket. **(**_**what the hell? **_**Why are we in second person now?)**

"Oh ok u can go now." said Profesor Slutborn. **(Hah! Talk about the most gullible teacher ever!)**

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. **(The POV changes and second/to first/to third person changes are giving me a headache.) **Silas, **(who? He sounds like the crazy dude round the corner.) **Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR. **(I listened to MCR on Youtube. They're not bad, I suppose. I'm still not sure what Gerard Way's white hair was all about – I was just reminded of my grandma.)**

"Oh hi you guys." I said seductively. "Wheres Satan?" **(Waiting for you in hell with a cauldron full of boiling water and frog's guts – I mean, a bouquet of goffs.)**

"Oh he's cumming." said Serious. "BTW u can kall me Hades now." **(Andy Sixx looks a bit like a clown gone horribly wrong. My friend is obsessed with him, so I decided to look him up, and bearing in mind that I'm terrified of normal clowns, I nearly shit myself. I was like, 'Gahhh! Did your girlfriend's makeup bag explode in your face?') **Suddenly Satan came. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, **(The Jackson 4 want their 5****th**** Jackson back.) **blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie. **(when on earth did goths/emos/vampires start wearing ties?)**

"Ok I will see you guyz at da concert." **(how many concerts do you go to?) **I said and then I went with Satan. **(OHMIGOD NO HE'S GOING TO MAUL YOU! I wish this was a horror story. Then who knows what kind of bloody end Enoby would meet? –cough- chainsaw –cough-)**


	38. Chapter 38

**an/ OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO HAVE AN 'ENOBY SPAZZ' MOMENT! AJDUIEHGDJJSAGHFGADI! Whew. Now I got that out the way. I'M GOING TO SEE PALOMA FAITH TOMORROW! –squee- Eeek! So excited it's scary ;) AND my mother booked tickets to see Wicked in London on the 12****th**** August… which I have wanted to see for 2 years now :D Yesh, so I am in a very very very happy mood.**

… **And now Enoby is about to kill it. Enjoy ze chapter!**

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><p>Chapter 38 <strong>Old Macdonald Had A Farm, Ee Ay Ee Ay Oh<strong>

AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? **(I think that is a bad idea and that you should just stop. Of course, she doesn't. We've still got 6 chapters of this left.) **oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111 **(does she think the world is divided into two types of people, 'goffs' and everyone else who must be a poser/prep/Dumbledore and be going to heaven, because it must be so crap up there? I wouldn't be surprised if Tara went around town slapping stickers onto unsuspecting randomer's foreheads, which either say 'GOFFIK!' or 'FJUCKING PREP!' and trying to stab the latter with meat.)**

Satan and I walked 2 his car. **(OOH, DRAMA!) **It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. **(I saw a silver car the other day with paint splattered all over it and dead flies clogging up the windscreen wipers. Beat that.) **On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco's car. **(are you sure it isn't Draco's car? Is there a special car dealership company just for people like Enoby?) **I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. **(This is so exciting, I am pissing.) **We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan), **(Lol. That's so funny, I'm also pissing.) **kuttting, musik and being goffik. **(I'm metaphorically pissing a lot. They need better topics to talk about. My friend and I were talking about the innuendos associated with ice lollies today, maybe they could start there. 'Yes, I like to suck these… and bite the end off.' 'You could have at least got one of the orange ones, that one's sunburnt.')**

"Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11" Volxemort **(What the hell is his name? Seriously!) **agreed as we smoked sum weed. **(Say NO to drugs, say YES to tacos! And ice lollies.) **(koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy) **(I have no idea what that last bit was…)**

"Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena." **(… Really? Even I know that's mispelt, and I don't even listen to MCR!) **I said in a flirty voice. "….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?" **(Wait, do we even know what this actually is yet? Satan should be able to shed some light. After all, he is named after the product.)**

"Well…" he thought. "I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod." **(Gawd, imagine that awkward situation with your teacher. "Miss, you need to drink vampire blood to cure you of your addiction!" "I do? Oh… wait, you're a vampire, aren't you?" "…Yes…")**

Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. Satan and I walked outside. **(Oh, is this one of those outdoor movie theatres that only exist in films? Or do you actually have them, America? If you do, I WANT TO GO NOW!) **We went in2 da movie tether **(you were on a tether? What are you, a neglected donkey?) **were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it **(making egg fried rice? What? They were doing what?) **sudenly a cereal killer came lol. **(Ooh, he was attracted by the egg fried rice. He thought it was Count Chocula.) **Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we're sadists. **(Because blood is absolutely hilarious. I mean, when someone gets a cut and starts bleeding, I laugh my head off. Oh, that blood and its wicked sense of humour!)**

While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan's gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar **(… **_**seriously? **_**I want me a Harry Potter cigar! I don't care if I'm underage and wouldn't smoke if you paid me one million squid! I WANT ONE!) **sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. **(I really can't see where she's going with this.) **I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag. Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere. **(Oh… kay? No idea what that just achieved?)**

"OMG!111" Satan said jumping up. **(and down like a bunny rabbit!) **I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. **(He probably had.) **"Enoby gess what?" **(THE SKY IS FALLING!)**

I new that the amnesia had worked. **(Probably had if he thought the sky was falling.)**

"Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work." He said. **(What? No, I think the point was she brought amnesia potion with her from the future, when it had been invented. Just because you're in the past doesn't mean it stops working… idiot.) **"2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u." **(Woah, what's going on here? I've totally lost the plot.)**

"Kul." **(How is that cool? Both have you, for reasons unknown to the rest of us, have wanted to make the other forget everything about themselves. Hello? AMNESIA!) **I raised my eye suggestingly. And den…. he tok of my cloves sexily **(I didn't know you were wearing garlic. Bit of an odd craze for vampires.) **and we started 2 make out. **(what the hell? You're in the middle of the cinema! At least try the whole yawning-and-stretching-your-arm-around-the-back-of-her-chair thing and hope her dad isn't hiding a few rows back!) **I tok of his shit. **(well, you're not afraid to get down and dirty.) **He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 **(How can someone's six-pack be just like Gerard Way's? Who notices that?) **We frenched.

"Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111" shooted da lady behind us she was a prep. **(Oh, yes, doing the right thing automatically makes somebody a prep. I wouldn't have wanted to sit there and try to watch a film while two people were getting it on in front of me. Awkward.)**

"Fuk u!11" I said. Suddenly…. I attaked her suking all her blood. **(HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE HELL? WHERE ARE THE BLOODY STAFF?)**

"Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. **(Erm, that made them crap? Alright then.) **Satan and I started to walk outside. **(It amazes me how much they get away with..)**

"Zomg how did u do that?" Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.

"I'm a vampire." I said as we went into the car. **(Yep, just throw that out there. It's like Twilight. Bella: 'Yeah, so I've guessed that you're a vampire and I'm, like, totally cool with that.' Edward: 'I'm a monster!' Bella: 'Have you MET my dad, the person who is supposed to take care of me and can't even look after himself and is possible the worst parent in the world? I'm safer around you than I am around him, you silly goose!' Edward: 'I sparkle too.' Bella: 'Oh, well, that's nice. WHO'S A PRETTY FAIRY?')**

"Siriusly?" he gasped.

"Yah siriusly." **(NOOOO! NEITHER OF YOU RESERVE THE RIGHT TO SAY THAT!) **I said drinking sum beer. **(Oh, God, finally a normal drink! Wait, isn't she still underage?) **Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily. **(OUT OF THE CAR TO POOP, DOGGY!)**

"Itz too bad we didn't get 2 c da rest of the movie, don't u fink?" **(No.)**

"Yah." I said as we kised passively. **(Eyes on the road, mate. I have to say this frequently to my dad when he feels the need to explain something to me. Bit worrying, really.) **Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. **(Oh, God, another concert. No good can come of this.) **We went inside where Marylin Mason **(There's at teacher at my school called Mr Mason. He's scary as shit.) **wuz playing and started to mosh lol.

"Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111" screamed Marlin on da stage. **(I'm guessing that's something only Marilyn Manson fans understand? Or is it just Enoby?) **We did the devil fingers. **(DEVIL FINGER! Does anyone remember that? The kid on that TV show who went up to people screaming, 'DEVIL FINGER!') **I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 **(shmexay!) **He looked at me all emo **(OOH, NO, YOU'RE GOFFS REMEMBER!) **with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing. **(Oh nooo. I can see what's coming..)**

"I wood like to peasant… **(poor peasant.) **..XBlakXTearX!11" **(NO!) **he said. I ran onstage. **(I just thought of Lavender Brown running up to Ron in her excessively girly way..) **Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. **(Was this planned before? Or was this a spontaneous thing?) **They started 2 play their instilments. **(Whatever they are.) **I got onstag. **(Already said that, but repeating things is cool…)**

"Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111" I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) **(We guessed.) **My voice sounded lik a **(flamingo being strangled by a sadistic turtle and twisted repeatedly around the bars of a very sharp fence, before being dunked in a platypus' mouth again and again.) **pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy. Everyone clappd. **(because they were too scared to do otherwise…) **Satan got an eructation. "I'M NUT OKAY!1" I sang finaly. **(THE NUTS ARE OKAY! IT'S ALRIGHT, THE NUTS ARE SAFE!) **Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak.

"OMFG!1" yielded James. "Wut the fuck?" **(Very professional.)**

"Woops im sory!" said Lucian.

"You fuking ashhole!1" James shouted angrily. **(I would've thought he'd be booed off stage for that. Apparently not.)**

"U guys are such prepz!11" Snap said. **(THANK YOU, YOU REASONABLE PIECE OF TOASTED RICE!) ** "Cum on it wuz a mistake!1"

"Yah itz not his fault!11" said Serious. **(siriusly.)**

"No he ruined the fucking song!1" yelled Samaro. **(Huh. Drama queens much, eh?)**

"U guys stop!11" I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife. **(Ooh, badass.)**

"OMFG no!11" shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm. **(… how… how is that possible?)**

And den…I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11 **(since when did bullets come from knives? AND YEAH, GO ENOBY! SACRIFICE YOURSELF FOR THE CAUSE!)**

"No!111" yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak. **(What? I expected rainbows and sunshine and ponies when you died!) **


	39. Chapter 39

**The awkward moment when your maths teacher mentions that she has boyfriend…**

**AN: Alright, so this is the hacked chapter. Therefore, it doesn't need commentating on as it's epic enough without my added epic-ness.**

**/is so modest**

**Anyway, so enjoy the part which actually makes more sense than everything else added together, and Tara's usual crap. And PLEASE REVIEW. :D**

**OH! I SAW HARRY POTTER 7 PT 2 ON SATURDAY! I cried. And screamed. And screamed some more at all the things they got wrong... won't give anything away in case some of you haven't seen it (what's wrong with you?), but there were amazing parts and the... completely wrong parts. xD But yeah. It was amazing. I want to get it on DVD now. Why do I have to waaaaiiiittt? :L**

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><p>Chapter 39. I Am A Trolling Genius, lolz<p>

Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series and I am not the real XXXbloodyrists666XXX.

AN/ I am an extremely immature pathetic idiot girl, I know. Out of boredom, I crack this girl's passy for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a troll right now. Meh.

And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. (And take note I haven't even finished reading this fic yet, but instead skip over to skim chapter 38.) Flame, laugh, do whatever you want "preps."

I, the American retail wearing british vampire Sue, coughed up blood.

Satan kneeled down beside me.

"Noooooooooooooooo! Don't die!"

I gave him a rueful smile. "I'm sorry. It's something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the noble gothic Mary Sue."

Satan sobbed. "I love you Ebony."

"I love you two. I'll...I'll see you in hell." I mumbled, already finding my surroundings fading to black.

B'loody Mary Smith suddenly popped into the room for no apparent reason. She frowned when she realized the room was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Ebony's lifeless body, she screamed. Her face became pale with horror. She screamed for the healers, Dumbledore, Mcgoogle, and every single gothic person she could think of.

Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Ebony. Everyone stared in shock. Her body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone's shock, it started to incinerate.

When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Sue became nothing more then a pile of ashes.

A loud resounding of everyone bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!" filled the room.

A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed.

All the silly goth clothes dropped from everyone's bodies (AN/I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened.) and, in their place, clothes the characters would normally wear in canon appeared on their bodies.

When everyone got over the shock of becoming free of the gofick power, everybody cheered. Everyone started singing 'Ding dong the sue is dead...' Well, that is, until all the HP characters realized the true implications of becoming more canon like again.

All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless. Harry and Voldemort started dueling. On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax.

And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Draco and Hermione fled the scene and got married.

Meanwhile...

Down in hell, Ebony shed a single tear because of her current situation. A situation that would live on for all eternity. Or at least until the end of fanfiction time.

She lost it all, but she knew she had to remain strong. Nothing would ever break her down.

She looked down over her pale body, and frowned. 'Where are my emo clothes?' She asked herself in confusion.

And then it occured to her...

For her shirt, she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the (right or left? I can't remember) side. Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the "destroyed" look on it. Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom. And then Ebony realized, on her shoulder, she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag.

Ebony supressed the urge to scream. Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, AND Hollister.

Panicked, Ebony hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. Ebony frowned, and looked under her shirt. All she saw was a bra underneath (dare I point out it's from the Aerie line available at American Eagle?). Ebony tried to remove the shirt again. But to her frustration, there was yet again another polo to replace it.

"THIS IS UNLOGICAL AND DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!" Ebony bellowed out to the air. She failed to see the irony in her statement, how hypocrytical her words were, seeing as she was practically calling the kettle black here.

Ebony slit her writs and mumbled to herself, "Omigod."

/End Crap Fic.

**(WASN'T THAT FUN, EVERYBODY?)**

AN/ Oh yeah, if you wanna see the original content this chick had planned for this chapter, I accessed it through the document manager thingy, which I copied and pasted, so you can read it here: **(And this is where the crap starts.)**

AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august **(NO! WHAT THE FUCK? DIDN'T SECURITY SEND YOU STRAIGHT BACK TO AMERICA? DON'T COME TO OUR COUNTRY! WE WILL MOW YOU DOWN WITH CRICKET BATS AND SMASH CUPS OF TEA OVER YOUR HEAD!) **so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111 **(Ahaha, I love relay races. "GRAB THE FREAKING BATON!" "**_**I'M KNACKERED!" **_**"YOU'VE RUN 10 METRES!" **_**"I KNOW!" **_**"KNOCK OUT THE GIRL IN THE GREEN!")**

I woke up in da Norse's offace **(there was a Viking in the office? HEAVY? THAT'S WHY WE ARE VIKINGS!) **on a special gothik coffin. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room. **(Oh my god, that should be on the advert where the guy is drinking milk, and the narrator goes, "What if cats had thumbs?" And Mrs Norris was there with a hoover as her weapon, meowing, "You want some, punk?")**

"Oh mi satan wut happened!" I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual. **(do you mean he looked like paper mache? That was what he was clearly made out of in the final film.)**

"Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11" I yielded.

"Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11" **(Oh, God, here we go.) **he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective. **(He selectively cried? … OK then.)**

"Volxemort? OMFG what's wrong!111" I asked. **(Wait, I've just realised what happened. Voldemort from the future arrived (you know, out of thin air, it's quite normal), threatening Ebooby yet again, and now Satan i.e. VOLDEMORT is playing the sympathy card… WTF? I'm so confuzzled.)**

Sudenly…. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B'lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. **(Ooh, I **_**love **_**black boxes!) **VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD. **(Well. That was inconvenient.)**

"OMFG Enoby ur alive!111" Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B'lody Mary. **(If she hugged me, I'd scream, "EW, GET OFF ME! AHH, FUCK, IT'S TOUCHING ME! HEEEELP! SOMEBODY CALL THE GHOSTBUSTERS!")**

"What the fuk happened?" I asked dem. "Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?" I gosped. **(Who the hell asks that?)**

"Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u since **(since it was just a ballet with dancers in tutus.) **u were form anodder time." **(how on earth does that stop a bullet from killing someone?)**

"But fangz anyway!1" said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms! **(NO. FREAKING. SHIT! COME CHECK OUT THIS, EVERYONE! LUCIUS MALFOY HAS TWO. FREAKING. ARMS!)**

"OMG I cant beleve Vampirz' dad shot u!1" I gasped. **(**

"Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den." said James. **(He possessed himself? OK then. I can just imagine Snape trying to strangle himself, going, "I must destroy you! … No, we can be friends! … The voices, they are telling me to destroy you! … No, bitch, no! … HAHA! GOT YOUR NOSE!")**

"Yah he wuz a spy." Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer." **(Ahaha, so he's the guy round the back of ASDA 8 o'clock on Saturdays… woops.)**

"And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." **(that makes him a poser?) **Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. **(WHY? What the HELL did you do?) **I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) **(Very badass.) **on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz. **(Don't blame him, you're not a very good example of goths/emos/vampires/idiots.)**

"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.

"No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." **(**_**Hoes of Wax?) **_said Profesor Trevolry. "He duzzn't know dat ur better. **(He chose to watch a movie instead of staying with his girlfriend…) **Anyway da norse said u could get up. **(Ooh, better obey the Viking or he will chop your head off with his axe.) **Cum on!1"

I got up suicidally. **(Life is just a barrel of laughs for you, isn't it, you happy little fuzzy cloud of marshmallow goodness?) **Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing **(Ohhh God.) **a blak leather nightgun. **(wearing a gun? Okily dokily!)(That is so something Ned Flanders would say.) **Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, **(who would actually wear a leather bra?) **with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt **(smexy.)(Haha, Microsoft Word now believes that 'shmexay' is a real word.) **and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don't get da idea massage me ill tell u). **(DON'T MESSAGE HER, SHE'LL SEND YOU PICTURES OF EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT! SHE'LL EITHER TURN OUT TO BE A SCREWED UP TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY OR A 50-YEAR-OLD MAN… EITHER WAY, A MALE. Called Tara.) **I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. I left the hospital's wings **(I wanna go the hospital with wings and fly away with all the mad people!) **wif B'lody Mary, Willow and Vampire. **(B'loody Mary! We missed her, didn't we?)**

"OMFG letz celebrate!11" gasped Willow. **(Celebrate what? Is it someone's birthday… someone's goldfish's birthday...?)**

"We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1" giggled Vampire. **(I think of a Harry-chipmunk when I read that sentence. Squeaking like a chipmunk.)**

"Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11" **(YAY!) **said Hermoine. **(HERMAN-MONSTER!) **We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den…..I gasped… **(Haha, there's a boy at my school who sounds exactly like Umbridge from AVPS. It's a little creepy.) **Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 **(WE GET IT! 1 IS YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER!) **He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.

"U fucking prep!11" we all yielded angrily. **(Woah, you all yelled that in unison? Are you all fucking mind readers now?)**

"Yah u betrayed us!111" shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.** (… Wow. Now that I think about it, if Harry had just shot Voldemort, all this would have been so much easier! Or if Dumbledore had shot him while Tom was still in school! "Oh, that one's a bad apple, I can tell already." /BANG!)**

"No u don't understand!1" **(I DO UNDERSTAND!) **screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake's. **(Draco… and a snake… ew… /shudder)**

"No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111" said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). **(attack him? What the fjuck did she do, claw at his face like a cat?) **I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out. **(I want steak in my room. Waking up in the middle of night to go to the toilet: "Ooh, I fancy a steak right now.")**

"Enoby no!11111" screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it **(Oh, my God…) **suddenly everyfing went blak again. **(That tends to happen when you CLOSE YOUR EYES, or someone turns off the light. It doesn't mean you're dead. –headdesk-) **

Sincerely,

An-Anon-Author-Who-Will-Silently-Not-Reveal-Her-Identity-Because-She's-A-Coward :P

A.K.A. Just a troll with rocks for brains. **(And a hero.)**


	40. Chapter 41

**I share my birthday with Snoop Dogg, Dannii Minogue and Christopher Columbus. What do you think would happen if we all had a joint birthday party?**

**AN: dhsjrhskjgbdj 315 REVIEWS! I love you guys so much it's verging on creepy.**

**I'm sorry this is late. I've been sick (first week of summer holidays too, how unlucky), and not in a very funny mood. However, I've been able to get this chapter done today because my mother has basically confined me to my room. She's such a cow. Why do I even bother being nice to her if she's going to start screaming at me for the tiniest thing?**

**I'm putting up Chapter 41 because in Chapter 40 the hacker just reposts the last chapter in Chapter 39, so no point putting it up again. Enjoy!**

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><p>Chapter 41. <strong>Yellow Submarine (you'll see the importance of this later on.)<strong>

AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF! **(YOU GITS S LIF!) **I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is ur proly al prepz and pozers!11111 **(Obviously.) **neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November **(Well done, dumbass.) **and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. **(Oh, joy…) **im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. **(She said a month… then she said 2 weeks? This kinda gives me the impression that she's not going on holiday at all… just thinking up more crap storylines and going to the park to scare kids with her little finger.) **OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!111 **(Which movie was about to come out when she published this? Was it OotP? Because Draco was barely in that one..) **I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako. **(… no he **_**shouldn't! **_**What the fjuck is wrong with you?) **if u flame ill slit muh risztz!11 **(… FLAME.) **raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland. **(didn't Raven go to England a few chapters back? Oh, I have no idea.)**

When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. **(When I woke up I started watching Pretty Little Liars. No, seriously, I did. I'm now slightly obsessed with it, 12 episodes in. How have I not discovered this show before?) **I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX!11 **(I actually guessed that from the lack of description of your pyjamas last chapter.) **I looked arund confusedly. **(Aww. She's a bit… special.) **It wuz da Norse's office but it looked difrent! **(Were there boar heads and axes mounted on the walls?) **On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!1111 **(Who is Marlyin Munzon? Sounds like an Aztec leader… or a Scottish delicacy…) **(just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok koz he is more old den panic? at da dizcko or mcr) **(It's panic! Not panic? -.- And when did they come into this anyway? Maybe my memory isn't working…) **der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. **(NONONONONO! QUICKLY, EVERYONE SING 'WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE!' AND MAYBE WE CAN SAVE THEM!) **On it said '1980.' **(I hate Bollywood dancing. It **_**kills. **_**We had 4 hours straight of it the other week, for no point whatsoever other than to make idiots out of ourselves in front of our whole year group, and my legs and shoulders still hurt like hell. I swear I've pulled about 10 muscles. Honestly.)**

"OMFG! Im back in Tim again!111" **(That isn't something you announce to the world, Enoby dear.) **I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!). **(… we **_**know. **_**Several chapters ago you renamed him… you made that very obvious. I'm so confused. I don't know what's going on anymore.) **Voldimort wuz wearing **(Oh God.) **a blak leather Jackson, **(Still keeping one of the Jackson 5 hostage?) **blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. **(OK, first, he's a guy. Second, why is he wearing fishnet thingies under his trousers? And thirdly, he's a guy!) **He looked so sexah **(hehe.) **I almost had an orgy!11 **(o.O)**

"OMFG Enoby r u ok." He asked gothikally.

"Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily. **(it was just a question!) **"OMG am I dedd?" **(Only on the inside.) **koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame's gun. **(I still have no idea why, but yeah…) **I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!111 **(Snape/Draco… **_**Drape?**_**)**

I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. **(Science geeks and budding time travellers everywhere will now be going, "All we had to do was SLIT OUR WRISTS?")**I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine. **(The Tim Machine. Sounds so macho!)**

"No ur not dead." Satan reassured suicidally as he smokd a cigarette sexily and smoke came all over his face. **(… Why am I reminded of the creepy caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland when I read this?) **"Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. **(Really? Oh, damn… I'll just go stash my gun under my bed again and cancel that trip to Forks.) **Cum on now lets go c how Hairy's dad is doing." **(Hairy? Yeah, he sort of is at the end of the final film.)**

I noo dat da real reason I didn't die from da ballet was koz I was from da future. **(BEING FROM THE FUTURE DOESN'T MAKE YOU FJUCKING IMMORTAL!) **"WTF! James almust shot Luciious!" I said indigoally. **(**_**indigoally? **_**So now she's speaking with colours? Redally must be angry, blueally must be sad, greenally must be jealous… what's indigoally?) **I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn't want him2 know I knew. **(I'm hungry. I might sneak down to the kitchen using my stealthy ninja skills. If my mum doesn't let me get lunch, I'm calling Childline and having her beheaded. Do they still do that?)(Do you think I could bribe them?)**

"Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress." Satan reasoned evilly. **(People use headaches as an excuse a lot… why doesn't that work at school?)**

"I guess that's ok." I said because James hadn't really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. **(and a pimp cane.) **I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!11 **(How on earth did you know he was bi just by looking at him?) **He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, **(Ah, that's how.) **a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), **(No it's not.) **blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don't 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. **(I've seen that video, and I can't help but laugh hysterically at the woman. Why is she an alien?) **"Hey." He sed all qwietly and goffically. **(We had a quiz in History the other week on important historical figures. Can I just ask, how is Sarah Palin an important historical figure?)**

"Who da fuck is that?" I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him. **(And this is why nobody likes you…)**

"Dis is…Hedwig!11" **(AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH! –bashes head against wall- I will cry. I will seriously cry.) **Sed Volximort. "He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm. **(HE BROKE HIS WING!)(And how does that stop him from being in the band? Did they not know that broken arms could heal back in the 80s?)**

"Hey Hedwig." I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b. **(You are talking… seductively… to an owl.)**

"Lol hi Enoby." **(Can you imagine Hedwig just sitting in his cage in the corner, being all owly, and when someone talks to him (not expecting an answer, because he's a bloody owl), he just says, 'Lol, hi.' in the voice of the dog from Family Guy?) **He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth **(I'd be creeped out if that was my owl.) **( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!) **(NONE of the songs have been from the 80s so far! And why the 80s? Are we in Tom Riddle's time when he was still at school (wasn't that in the 50s?) , or in the Marauder's era (which was in the 70s, or what?)**

"Bye." I sed all sexily.

"Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up." **(Don't take advantage of poor little owls!) **Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails. **(They should be purple. Purple is a cool colour.)**

"OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!" I said fingering something I didn't know wuz in my pocket- **(… **_**Why? Why **_**would you do that?) **a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod **(… OK?) **that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem? dey kik azz!). **(I think you must have invented them Tara.)**

"Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig. Im going 2 show u something grate!1" **(I LOVE GRATES!) **I led them to da Great Hall. "Cum on u guys."

Lucian, James, Serious and Snake **(BOOOO!) **were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him.

"Go fuk urself you fukking douche!" he shouted at him. "Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!1" **(Aha, they sound like 4-year-olds fighting in the playground!)**

"Yah go fuck urself Samaro!" Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian. **(What WAS their little scrap about again? Oh, yes, it was because Luscious Mouthful – I mean, Lucius – played the wrong song in their performance. Some people are seriously bipolar!)**

"B quiet u guys." I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great. **(WHAT PLAN?) **Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! Now Vampire's dad wood never die **(What? I'm so… so confused…) **and "OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out." I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod. **(SHEEEEEEEEESH! WHAT THE LEAP-FROGGING ELEPHANT?)**

"Kool." said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. **(DISTURBED. DISTURBED. DISTURBED.) **We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. **(MAKE IT STOOOOOOP!) **Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. **(OR PERVERTS!) **I noo Snape was bi.

"Oh my fukking god! Voldimort! Voldimort!" screamed Hedwig as his glock **(his glock? Oh… you mean his glockenspiel.) **touched Voldemort's. **(They were making music. Literally. With glockenspiels.)**

But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame…Dumblydore and Mr. Norris!111111111111 **(It would have been more dramatic if it was Chuck Norris.)**

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><p><strong>I need to ask you all a very important question. Who is your favourite superhero? Personally, mine is Batman. He's so emo and moody and badass, and he has a freaking Batmobile.<strong>


	41. Chapter 42

**Wise Quote Of The Day: You know you're guilty of something when you hear a helicopter overhead and you think it's the police coming to get you.**

**AN: Alright, so this chapter was stupidly long but I slaved through it, just for you! We've got two more chapters left after this and then - FREEDOM! And before anyone asks, I'm not commentating on 'imma wiserd'. I read the first chapter of that, and just _no._ That's all you need to know.**

**Enjoy, and please review!**

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><p>Chapter 42. da blak parade<p>

AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!1111. **(As if you've read any of the books!) **I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!1111 nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!111 **(Wow. Most of that was really stupid… but the end was right? How the hell did she guess that? I didn't guess that!) **omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it? If dey don't den JKR is hamophobic!111111 **(Dumbledore's gay! Is this a new rule that if you don't have a gay couple in your book, you must be homophobic?) **fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa u rok!111 **(Medusa? I hope this isn't one of her friends… if so, she's seriously hanging around with the wrong people…)**

I sat depressedly in Dumbledork's office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. **(If I was in Dumbledore's office, I'd crack open the Firewhiskey and party!) **Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young den he did in da future. **(asdfghjkl NO? REALLY?) **He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song. **(If it was so shitty, why is it on your iPod?)(Why did she even have that iPod? Enoby! Remember what I've told you about pickpocketing! It's not nice!)**

"What da hell is this anyway?" **(An iPod. What the hell do you think you're listening to?) **he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn't find out dat I was frum another time. **(Enoby, I think that if you put a neon flashing sign above your head screaming, "I'M FROM THE FUTURE! I'M GOING TO TRY AND MAKE VOLDEMORT GOOD AND BE EMO AND PATHETIC ALONG THE WAY 'CAUSE I PRETEND TO BE BADASS LIKE THAT!", it wouldn't be any more obvious than it is now.)**

"Whatever u do don't blame Ibony, u jerk." Satan said. **(Nah, blame Enoby. Everyone else does. Global warming… poverty… David Cameron's election… yeah, it's all Enoby's fault.)**

"Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together." Serious said deviantly. **(Never become a matchmaker, Enoby. It's… not a good career choice for you. If I were you, I'd become a hobo! Free scraps and a cardboard box thrown in, eh?)(Or you could go live with the Canadians in their igloos. But no. That would be mean to the Canadians. We'll dump you on the Australians, they won't mind.)**

"Be quiet you Satanists." Dumbledore cockled. **(COCKLED! I haven't seen you, my favourite word, for ages!) **"If ur lucky I'll probably send u all to Akazaban! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall." **(Ha, my cat spent 20 minutes today trying to navigate a way down from my brother's bunk bed, until he just decided to take the leap of faith and ended up squishing his face on the carpet. I cockled a lot.) **He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n'Sync song. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! **(CHING CHANG CHONG!) **Dumblydore didn't notece. **(How the fjuck do you not notice something like that? It's going CHING CHANG CHONG right in your ear, old man!)**

"You fucking poser." I muttoned. **(DON'T BRING THE ELDERLY SHEEP ON THEIR PENSIONS INTO THIS!)**

"I bet you've never herd of GC." James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- **(Chinese chopsticks. Am I right? I'm right! WHO DA MAN?) **Morti McFly's tim machine!11 **(Oh. For. God. Sake. It's not even a time machine! It's a fucking car! The Tardis is a time machine!)**

"Shut up Jomes!" Drako's dad shouted.

"Yeah shut up!" Snake said preppily.

"No u shut up Dumblydore!1111" said Tom. **(Oh… I just opened my wrap but it exploded everywhere and now there's lettuce all over my desk….)**

"I've had enough of u Satanists in my school!" shouted Dumbledore spuriously. **(Haven't we all, Dumbles?)**

Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. "Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8! I jumped in2 it. **(Yes, because normal people jump into iPods all the time.) **But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was…..Satan. **(Ahaha, everyone else abandoned you. You lonely chicken.)**

"You dunderheads!1111111111" screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went **off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!**

I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. **(No shiiiit, I thought he'd be replaced by Chuck Norris along the way.) **I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black. **(All around you? Were you DROWNING in it?)**

"Hey kool where iz dis?" he asked in an emo voice. **(You're a SLYTHERIN, shouldn't you know your own common room?)**

"Dis is da future. Dumbeldore's iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine." I told him. **(How many Tim Machines are there, anyway? We should do a survey on all Tims in the world. How many of them have been produced by these evil machines?)**

"Kool what's an ipatch?" he whimpered. **(Apple's latest product. They've taken 'pirate' to the very expensive extreme, but at least it's better than a pearPod.)**

"It's somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music." I yakked. **(Haha! Look at the cute little yak!)**

"OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?" he esked in his sexah voice. **(I think that just made the 'Top 10 Most Random Things To Say After Time Travelling' list.)**

"Um I guezz sand?" I laid confuesdly. **(Sand isn't dirt… sand is sand…)**

"Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon." He triumphently giggled. **(What the… I don't… I'm so… ah, forget it.)**

Suddenly some of my friends walked in. **(SHIT! EXCITEMENT!)**

"OMG you're fucking alive!" said Ginny **(Isn't that great to hear from one of your friends? You'd just be all, "Uh… you thought I was dead?")**wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive. **(Ooh yes, do tell. The rest of us are wondering how the hell you made it to Chapter 3.)**

"Konichiwa, bitch." said Willow. **(Please can we just lay this Japanese to rest? Please?) **She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs **(And you DON'T expect to be called a slut?) **with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick. **(How much does everyone spend on makeup? Boots must have their own spin-off line of Clown/Goffik makeup reserved just for Enoby and her posse!)**

"Hey, motherfucker." Said Diabolo with his red hair. **(HIS RED HAIR SPOKE? OH, BLESS ME, TALKING HAIR! GRANT ME THE POWER OF THE TOMATO-COLOURED HAIR!) **He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants.

"Hey whose that, Ibony?" **(I still think of a gibbon when I read that.)(Gibbons are scary.) **B'loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes. **(Nope, I'm serious now. We really don't need an explanation of EVERYBODY'S outfits… really…)**

"Oh its Satan." I told her and she nodded knowing da truth. **(The truth you heard from the Red Hair of Awesomesauceness of Epic Ninjaness? OH MY LORDY, THE TALKING RED HAIR IS A PROPHET NOW TOO!)**

Suddenly Satan started to cry. **(Because that mop of messy red prophetic hair on Ron Weasley's head has more knowledge than you could ever dream of.)**

"Are you okay Satan?" we asked concernedly. **(He's Satan. Why would he be jumping around for joy?)**

"OMFG ur from da future!1! What if u don't like m anymore koz were from difrent times?" he asked. **(… Wow. It's amazing how stupid some people are. –balances important historical artifact on top of head-)**

"No I still like you." I said sexily to him. **(There is a cow in my room.)**

"Ok." He said ressuredly. **(How did it get there? Through the window?) **I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. **(… I love the details you gave there.) **I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. **(That's reasonable.) **Satan fell asleep. **(… ah, no point, then.) **I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. **(This story is moving very slowly.) **Profesor Sinister ran in!1111 **(WOO!) **She was wearing a gothic blak minidress **(Oh, no…) **with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner. **(That's just… not what you want to see your teacher dressed in.)**

"Oh my fucking god, where's Draco!111 **(Up your bum and round the – no, I'm not that immature.)(CORNER!) **How did Snap get back here! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan." I asked sadly. **(I BET HE DOES WISH HE WERE IN AZERBAIJAN WITH THE FAIRIES AND THE ELVES AND THE YAKS!)(Where even is Azerbaijan, anyway? I want to move there.)**

"Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can't fucking die because you're a vrompire. **(That's never stopped her from nearly dying before!) **Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student." Trevolry said reassuredly. **(The teachers all seem to share the same policy here. 'I don't like them so I don't give a crap about them, whether it's part of my job description or not'.)**

"That bitch!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?" I shouted angrily. I hated Britney **(Hit me baby one more time!)(Why did practically EVERYBODY sing that on the Glee Project? Meh… ooh, my favourites are Damien and Cameron. They're so cute, and Cameron's so nerdy but the cool kind. :3 And Marissa… I'm rooting for her as well. Anybody else watch it?) **because she was a fucking prep.

"Yes they are on the loose at this school. **(On the loose. Makes them sound like lions who've escaped from the zoo.) **Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!" Trevolry said worriedly. **(Stay in their common rooms, I get. But lock themselves in? How would they get out in an emergency? How the hell did this woman become a teacher?)**

"OK. But where's Dracko? How cum he was doing it with Snap?" **(I got my first flame the other day. It wasn't even a flame, it said this story was retarded and my commentary was 'unfunny'. Well, they got the first part right, but I read over the first few chapters again, and they were wrong about the second part. I'm so goddamn funny it hurts. And modest too, have you noticed?)(Next time, make your flames bigger so I can roast marshmallows on them. ^.^)**

"I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself." she said. **(Is this like the 107****th**** time he's tried to commit suicide…?)**

"OMG dat's terrible!" I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn't tell what was going on. **(That's convenient. Seriously, imagine the complaints if, in Deathly Hallows, Voldemort had just fallen asleep in the middle of all the action. But nope, he just exploded into paper mache instead.) **Then I said "Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!" **(She's taken over Yoda! 'In here, everyone stay' instead of 'Everyone stay in here'!) **wiv dat I ran out.

"Good luck Tara!11" everyone cried. **(Oh, look, Tara's name has snuck in again… is this seriously what she fantasises about?)**

I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. **(I don't blame them, you look like something out of a fjucking horror movie.) **There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. On da way I saw Britney **(Hit me baby one more time!) **laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan. **(I remember watching Lindsay Lohan in Herbie. That was before it all went wrong…)**

"You fucking bitch!111" I shouted angrily.

"No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!" she laughed. **(Huh. I think I like Britney!)**

"Crucious!1" I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured **(No way, I thought she was screaming because she saw the ice cream van up ahead.) **and I laughed sodistically. **(I kind of get the feeling that I wouldn't like to meet Tara in a dark alley. Ever.) **

"No!1 Help me!1 Please!1" Britney **(Hit me baby one more time!)** screamed terrifiedly.

I put up my middle finger at her. **(Because that's going to do so much.) **In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. **(Oh, my god, leave them be! They were only watching the full moon together and its effects on certain professors!)(Well, that sounds dodgy.) **I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. **(What the hell is the point of a video of the darkest wizard of all time and an owl doing the nasty? I'm really confused as to the important of it.) **Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. "OMG Vampira!111" I yielded. **(Harry's a girl now?)**

We hugged each udder happily. **(You did something happily? IT'S A FUCKING MIRACLE!) **He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow. **(Did Apple hire Tara to advertise for them in this story for products that never really took off?) **His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!1) **(Erm… OK.) **"I wus so worried you died!" moaned Vampire. **(We were so hopeful she died!) **

"I know but Im a vampire lol. **(Who still uses 'lol'? Use 'roflldmtap' – rolling on floor laughing like Draco Malfoy talking about Pigfarts. All the cool kids use it.) **When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway **(SEGWAY! Oh, those are so fun. It's even more fun watching Edward Cullen on one.)(Three cheers for Vampires Suck!) **I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me." **(You bought him? Oh, no, Enoby, don't go down that road…)**

"Where's Draco?" I asked spuriously.

"Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?" Vampir snarkled **(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! … snarkled.) **with anger in his sexy voice. **(What happened to 'sexah'?)**

"I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM." I SED **SNARKLED **SMARTY. **(Or you could just leave him to rot in a microwave somewhere.)**

"I'll do it den." Harry said **snarkled **angstily.

"OK." I argreed **snarkled**. Suddenly….all da lights in da room went out. **(It's called a power cut, where I come from. Or a draught from an open window, if we're talking about candles.) **And den….da Dork Mark appeared. **(OH! That's the mark they tattoo on your… never mind.)**

"Oh my fucking satan!" Harry shouted **snarkled.**

"I fink Voldimort has arrivd." I sed **snarkled **anxiously. "Fuck, I have to find Draco!1 I guess we shood separate."

"Ok." Vampire sed **snarkled **diapperating. Sadly I ran **snarkled **into the Great Hall. **(Does anyone else get the feeling that Tara genuinely thinks she's thought up a good plot line? It's… embarrassing, to say the least. I'm going to go and snarkle now to make myself feel better.)**


	42. Chapter 43

**I'M BACK FROM THE DEAD!**

**AN: Hell-ah. It's been a while! As I said above, I AM back from the dead. Somebody stabbed me with a piece of steak but I managed to... make myself alive again. LIKE A BOSS. Anyway, point is, I'm back, and this is the second-to-last chapter! I'm posting the last chapter straight after this, and then we're done! Finished! The end! **

**Save your tissues till next chapter, though, we can all have a good old cry together then. Please review - I love you all!**

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><p>Chapter 43. <strong>Don't Stop Believin'! (In honour of GLEE RETURNING! SO much Klaine, SO much Damian McGinty (I hope), SO much unashamed fangirling. I REGRET NOTHING.)<strong>

AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz. **(Just one after this, thank the gods. Yes, I did get into Percy Jackson over the holidays. Don't worry, though – it doesn't hold a candle to the brilliance and genius of My Immortal.) **Fangz 2 all muh revyooers **(I read that as 'hoovers'.) **not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!111111 **(Lemons.) **if u flam den fukk u!111 **(I'd rather fuck you.)(THAT WAS A JOKE! A JOKE, OKAY?)**

I walked sexily into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. **(Hitler?) **Draco was there! **(YAY!) **He sat der in deddly bloom **(deddly bloom…?) **in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy **(black) **blak pants. **(see?) **He had slit his wrists!111 **(I'm not fjucking surprised with you as a girlfriend!)** I felt mad at him for having sex with Snape but I felt sorry for him. **(He just had sex with – he just – and you felt sorry – with a snake – WHAT?) **He looked just like Gerard Way with his red eyes and his pale white face. **(Gerard Way has red eyes?)**

"Draco are you okay?" I asked. **(OF COURSE NOT YOU DUMB BITCH.)**

"I'm not okay." he screamed depressedly. **(I know this is Draco Malfoy, but even I would probably run away if he was just sat there being all moody and silent, and then he randomly screamed.) **I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. **(We needed to know this because…?) **I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it. **(Because drugs always make things better! That's why I keep my stash of weed under my – pretend you didn't hear that.)**

"Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?" **(Because Snape is so much sexier than you'll ever be.) **I asked teardully. **(Teardully? Dull. Oh, yes you are, Enoby. Yes you are.)**

"I-" Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room! They didn't see us. **(How the fjuck did they not see you? Draco slit his wrists! He was bleeding onto the bloody floor! You're all so… idiotic!) **

"Im so glad we me **(We me!) **and Snape were freed." said Loopin. **(WE ME, WE ME! WOOP WOOP!) **

"Dam, this job would be great if it wasn't 4 da fukking students!" Mr. Norris argreed.** (I'm sure a similar conversation goes on in staff rooms in schools up and down the country.) **

"Pop addelum!111" I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them. **(That's such a great spell! POP ADDELUM! DEATH BY POPPING BUBBLES!)**

"Noooooooo!1" Lupin shouted as chains came on him. Mr. Norris ran away. **(WE ME, YOU COWARD!)**

"You fukking perv." I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice. **(I love how you can have depths to your voice.) **"Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I'm gong 2 torture u!" **(Oh, random break time! Who has gotten into Pottermore? I have! They sorted me into Hufflepuff, which is OK, I suppose. I wanted Slytherin so badly, but Hufflepuff was my second choice. I've always been Slytherpuff anyway. ^.^ At Ollivanders, I was given a very, very long wand. When I first got it, I read the description as 'horny, fourteen and a quarter inches, and surprisingly swishy'. Then I realised it said hornbeam… isn't it great when you can go around bragging about your wand to random people?)**

"I don't now where he is!1111" said Loopin. Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room. Vampir didn't know who Satan was really. **(I've been away too long from this story! What's going on? Ah, I'll pick it up. Let's just say 'Enoby Happened'.)**

"Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!1" Vampire said. I looked sexily **(Why does no one ever run away when she fixes them with her 'sexy' looks?) **at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like **(clean paper? Fresh sheets? White lilies?) **Gerord Way, **(of course.) **Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then. **(I'm not Trelawney – I'm better than her – but I predict a horde of screaming MCR and perhaps P!ATD fans coming to yell about those comparisons. Everyone, grab your earplugs.)**

I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. **(The caramel? Is that code for something? God, do I even want to know the code?) **And then….. I began frenching Draco sexily. Loopin gasped. **(Well yeah! You took a caramel out your pocket, he thought you were going to start handing sweets out!) **Draco began to take all of his cloves off **(Because they would be stink-ehhh.) **and I could see his white sex-pack. **(THE SEX PACK IS BACK, BITCHES!) **Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. We all began making out 2gther sexily. **(Here we go.) **I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol. **(Are you sure? Because we have treatments for people like you.) **"Oh mi satan! Draco!" I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry. **(Wait, that's not possible. If he did it to Harry, wouldn't it be up the… we are not getting into this.) **I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. **(Oh God, a foursome. KILL. ME. NOW!) **"OMS!111" cried Vampire. **(OMS! I see what you did there! … After ten minutes of puzzling over it.) **"Oh Vampire! Vampire!" I screamed screamed. **(Are we repeating things now now?)**"Oh Satan!" yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock. **(I hardly blame him! He was just stood there being all innocent and werewolfey and expecting sweets when you lot started screwing each other. I mean, what the hell?) **Wee **(Wee... Ah, oui, oui! Mon chat est marie. That's about the extent of my French skills.) **took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. **(Your acts of kindness continue to amaze me.) **Suddenly….. **(Someone came and smashed your head in with a hammer?)**

….a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!11 **(Well, people, I can honestly say that was the most exciting plot twist I've ever read. I mean, since when can Rice Krispies drive cars?)**

**FANGZ SO MUCH 2 ALL MUH HOOVERS!**


	43. Chapter 44

**AN: Don't listen to me ramble on, just read. I can barely keep in the tears.**

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><p>Chapter 44. <strong>(44 is like, my second favourite number! This is such a momentous occasion, the last chapter ever of My Immortal. No, no, we will have our celebrationsob fest at the end.)**

AN: well I hav noffing 2 say but evrt1 stup glamming ok!111 **(just because you can't be glamorous, Enoby. Glam it up!) **if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!11 omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!1 **(HAHAHAHA yeah they're never gonna let you in.) **tom fleton is so hot **(Who is this Tom Fleton? He sounds like an imposter...) **lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik **(obviously.) **koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!1111 **(That was Order of the Phoenix, right? Well, she has a point. He was more emo in Half Blood Prince. To be fair ,he had several excuses.) **omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak. **(So apparently, she never came back from leaving Dubya. Whatever that means. I'm thinking that Dubya is a mental health clinic, somewhere in the relaxing sheep-infested valleys of New Zealand.)**

"Dat's mi car!" shooted Draco angrily. **(IT'S RON'S DAD'S CAR, NOT YOURS!) **But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz….Snape! **(We already KNOW, you told us last chapter. Oh, as if Tara reads anything she's written through.)**

"I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads." he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing above us. **(What the fjuck does that even mean?) **"Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed. **(OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY HAS SOME SENSE. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.) **Den the Dork Lord shall never die!" **(DORKS SHALL RULE THE WORLD UNDER THE DORK LORD!)**

"You fucking prep!" **(Dork, not prep, Draco dearest.) **yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. **(Because he just realised what a bitch Enoby was.) **"I forgot to tell u, Ebony. **(That's convenient.) **Snape made me do it with him. I didn't really have sexx him but he's a ropeist!" **(LEAVE THOSE POOR ROPES ALONE, SEVERUS! Unless you're using one to hang Enoby.)**

We all put our clothes on quickly except Satan. We were so scarred!1 But Satan didn't change. Instead he changed into a man with gren **(RED.) **eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into… **(Mickey Mouse!) **Voldemont!111 **(DAMN YOU.)**

"I knew who thou were all along." **(Oh, yay, more Shakespeare.) **he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. **(Evil and sarcastic? I wonder what Hitler would have sounded like had he combined those two.) **"Now I shall kill thee all!" Thunder came in da room. **(Thunder…? As in, a dog called Thunder? A thing called Thunder? Because actual thunder can't just walk into the room, it's a SOUND.)**

"No plz don't kill us!" pleaded Vampire. **(So many people in this story really need to grow a pair.) **Suddenly Willow, B'loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in. **(They were so obviously eavesdropping.)**

"What is da meaning of dis?" **('Dis' according to :** ** disrespect some one **

**1. she dised u so fuckin bad u turned red **

** shit is fo sheezy**

**There you go, Dumbles.)**

Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.) **(That doesn't mean he looks away like a teenage girl who's been caught staring at her crush…) **He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. **(BROOMS CAN BE SEXY NOW? God, Enoby's world must just be full of sexy, beautiful people and their sexy brooms. –coughyeahrightcough-) **Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.

"Oh my goth!" Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik) **(If anything, I will be so glad to lay these amazingly witty, ingenius goth puns to rest. Because they're just too awesome to deal with anymore, I may have to cut a bitch if I see one more.)**

"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!" Snape ejaculated **(OH MY GOD WHY DID I LOOK THAT WORD UP?) **menacingly. **(So that's what Snape does when he gets his menacing act on?)**

"You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily. **(Oh, bitch went there!) **

"I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!" screamed Harry **(I KNOW THAT CRUCIATUS HAS NINE LETTERS BECAUSE I'M NOT TWO YEARS OLD. OR HARRY.) **but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car. It fell down **(It was hit by sparks and fell down…? Mr Weasley's engineering standards have dropped!) **Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera. **(I'm still intrigued as to what a cideo camera is.)**

"Oh my fucking god!1" I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with **(with…? OK, now Tara is failing to finish her sentences. If you're going to finish this story, at least finish the madness with CLASS.)**

"If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. **(That's the kind of thing some girl would do in the middle of a bitch fight with some other girl at high school. You know, you see it on movies. Wait… this is becoming a chick flick?) **Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton." He laughed meanly. **(Oh my god, it IS!) **

"No!" I scremed. "FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!11"

"Whats she talking abott?" Lupin slurped **(What was he slurping?) **as he sat in chains. **(Which appeared from nowhere.)**

"I saw 2 she's gunna show evry1 da picter!111" Harry shouted angrily.

"Shut up!111'" Lumpkin roared.

"Foolish ignoramuses!" **(… pffff!) **yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. "Thou shall all dye **(their armpit hair blue and become part of my Dork Platoon **soon." **so that we can all take over the world under my Dorky Rule of Dorkiness! LET THE DORKS REIGN FOREVER MORE!)**

"Think again you fucking muggle poser!1" Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel both took out blak guns! But Voldimort took out his own one. **(FUCK SAKE, YOU HAVE WANDS. YOU'RE WIZARDS…. Barely.)**

"U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!111" I shouted despariedrly.**(That is possibly the stupidest thing I have heard all week. WOO, LATIN STAND-OFF!)**

"Acco Nevel's wand!11" cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil's wind was in his hands. **(That is the general idea, yes.) **"Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!11111" **(Here we go. Voldy, sweetie, don't you think all this need to take over and rule the word and kill people is a teensy bit oerdramatic? It's just a silly little world, pet! Would you like a bag of Milky Stars?)**

He maid lighting come all over da place. **(All hope is lost.)**

"Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried. **(Ah, he's DumbleDARK now. You guys should like him, Enoby.) **

I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco **(You're in a life threatening situation here! When Harry was face to face with Voldemort in the Great Hall, during the Final Battle, HE wasn't thinking about how much he'd like to be watching the latest Doctor Who or reruns of Lost or fucking Ginny. And then there's you. Oh, Enoby.) **but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent.

"ABRA KEDABRA!11111" I shooted. **(IT'S OVER! WE CAN ALL SLEEP SAFE IN OUR BEDS AT NIGHT KNOWING THAT ENOBY HAS BEEN LAID TO REST IN THE FILES OF TARA GILESPIE'S COMPUTER, WITH WHATEVER OTHER MONSTERS TARA CREATED. This is… truly the end of something special.)**

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><p><strong>AN: *blows nose* And this is it, guys! Let us all give thanks to Tara for this unique piece of brilliance, this monumental work of art, which has inspired many an author, including myself, to shove their heads down a toilet. We'll never forget Dumbledork and his wild-goose-chasing ways. Snap and Lumpkin will hold a special place in our hearts for proving that there is something bigger and better out there for Rice Krispies and pumpkins. Draco... we'll never forget the many different languages your name was spelt in. And to the Japanese, we're very sorry about the abuse your language suffered in Enoby's innocent attempts to better herself as a person. And of course, thank you to EnobyEnooby/Enobby/Ebooby/Ebony/Tara, the Many Names of a Mary-Sue. You taught us the true art of writing a Mary-Sue. You taught us that, yes, it is in fact possible to kill yourself numerous times and yet not die. You taught us that our own writing isn't, in fact, all that crap compared to... er, this. And finally, you taught us to never trust a bloke who speaks Shakespearean. The world is a better place thanks to you.**

**And last but not least, THANK YOU TO ALL MY REVIEWERS! So many have you have been faithful to my commentary on this, and I can't tell you how happy it makes me when I get a review that truly makes me smile. We've all survived My Immortal with our brains intact (mostly - I think we lost a few brave soldiers along the way), and... just thank you! **

**Now, please make me smile one last time and send me a review. I LOVE YOU ALL! :D**


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